Dr. Ryan Martin | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von

Upcoming tour dates and merchandise

• Upcoming tour dates for the "Return of the Rat" tour include Toledo, Ohio; Pittsburgh; Eugene, Oregon; Kennewick, Washington; Seattle; Victoria, BC; San Antonio, Texas; Durant, Oklahoma; Amarillo, Texas; Oxford, Mississippi; Tuscaloosa, Alabama; Tallahassee, Florida; and Rosemont, Illinois, with tickets available at theo.von.com (12s).
• Tickets go on sale on Friday, November 8th at 10:00 a.m. local time with the pre-sale code "Rat King," and general sale starts on Monday, November 11th at 10:00 a.m. local time (51s).
• A few tickets remain for the Champagne, Illinois show on November 15th, and new merchandise items, including "The Hitter Hunting Club" collection and "The Hitter Bait and Tackle" teas, are available at theo.von.store.com (1m25s).

Introduction to Dr. Ryan Martin and his work on anger

• Dr. Ryan Martin, an expert in the world of anger, is a researcher, author, and Dean at the College of Arts, Humanities, and Social Sciences at the University of Wisconsin Green Bay (1m46s).
• Dr. Martin has been researching and teaching about anger for 19 years, and his interest in the topic stems from his family's history of having a quick temper, particularly among the men (3m37s).
• Despite the "Martin temper," Dr. Martin's family was loving, and he has a great relationship with his siblings, who have all calmed down over time (4m14s).
• Anger was a topic of interest from a young age, and this interest led to studying it in college and grad school, where work was done with Professor Dr. Eric Doan on researching anger (4m26s).

Understanding Anger

• Anger is just the feeling or emotion, which can be expressed in many different ways, such as yelling, screaming, or suppressing it (5m19s).
• The emotional desire to lash out, often associated with being wronged, treated unfairly, or having goals blocked, is a key component of anger (5m42s).
• Road rage is a common example of anger due to being on the way somewhere and having obstacles get in the way (6m1s).
• Unrealistic expectations, such as expecting people to do things a certain way, can be a trigger for anger (6m18s).
• Having a Type A personality, characterized by traits like ambition, drive, and competitiveness, can contribute to impatience and trouble relaxing (6m47s).
• Impatience is a significant issue, with examples including flushing the toilet while still urinating to get it off the checklist (7m14s).
• Impatience is a common trait among type A individuals who have high competitive tendencies and set unrealistic expectations, often relying on others to accomplish their goals, which can lead to frustration when others fail to meet those expectations (7m50s).
• Unrealistic expectations can be a significant trigger for anger, especially when others fail to meet those expectations, and it's essential to recognize and acknowledge this trigger (8m57s).
• Anger is often the result of a combination of three factors: a trigger, one's mood at the time of the trigger, and how one interprets the behavior that triggered the anger (9m19s).
• The trigger is the specific event that sets off the anger, and it's essential to be specific about what that trigger is (9m22s).
• One's mood at the time of the trigger, including stress, fatigue, anger, anxiety, or physical discomfort, can increase the likelihood of responding with anger (9m40s).
• How one interprets the behavior that triggered the anger, including expectations and labeling, can also contribute to anger, with negative labeling and demandingness being common thought patterns (10m1s).
• Inflammatory labeling, where one labels the person or situation in a negative way, is a common thought pattern when faced with provocation, and it can contribute to anger (10m57s).
• Demandingness, or the expectation that others should behave in a certain way, is another common thought pattern that can contribute to anger (11m6s).
• Demands for things to be done in a specific way can lead to overgeneralizing, where individuals label things in an exaggerated manner, such as saying "this always happens to me" (11m27s).
• Catastrophizing is another behavior where individuals blow things out of proportion, believing that a single event will ruin their day, week, month, or even career (11m38s).
• Misattributing causation occurs when individuals blame the wrong people for things, making assumptions about why someone did something, often assuming it was done on purpose (11m55s).
• These behaviors can come together to create a "recipe" for why someone gets mad in a particular moment (12m18s).

Expressing and Managing Anger

• When feeling mad, some people may yell, punch their fist, or simmer inside, while others may take a moment to vent before problem-solving (12m28s).
• A technique used to manage frustration is to take a minute to vent, followed by problem-solving to work through the issue (12m56s).
• Anger can come from different places and be expressed in various ways, existing on a continuum from mild frustration to extreme anger (13m29s).
• The continuum of anger ranges from mild frustration, such as losing keys, to more intense frustration, like being treated badly by someone, and extreme anger, like feeling livid with rage (13m36s).
• Anger can sometimes give an illusionary sense of control, but also make someone feel out of control, as it can prompt a desire to take action (14m42s).
• Some people experience intense anger that leads to crying, which is often accompanied by a feeling of helplessness and a lack of control over the situation (15m3s).
• This intense anger can be overwhelming, causing individuals to feel stuck and unable to do anything about the situation that triggered their anger (15m55s).
• For some people, this helplessness can lead to feelings of sadness, which can manifest as tears (16m20s).
• Others, however, may respond to feelings of helplessness and anger by trying to take back control and make a difference in the situation, even if it's just a small one (16m31s).
• Anger is unique in that it often feels like it needs to be released or expressed in some way, unlike other emotions like happiness or joy (17m20s).
• Anger can linger for a long time, even after the initial trigger has passed, and can affect a person's behavior and physical responses (17m36s).
• In contrast, positive emotions like joy or happiness tend to dissipate relatively quickly (17m46s).
• The "halflife" of joy is not very long, but anger can persist and even lead to physical manifestations like chewing or clenching (17m56s).
• It's essential to process anger in a healthy way, and there are both legitimate and illegitimate ways to do so (18m20s).
• People have been talking about catharsis as a way to rid their bodies of anger for thousands of years, with the idea being that if they don't release their anger, they will "blow up" (18m45s).
• Approaches like rage rooms, punching bags, and hitting the gym come from this idea of releasing anger, but research shows that these methods don't work (19m17s).
• Physically acting out anger, such as through exercise, may feel good at the time but doesn't help in the long run, and people who use this method tend to stay angry and get angrier over time (19m36s).
• A study from 50 years ago found that people who exercised after being provoked in a lab were more aggressive than those who did a boring task, as exercise keeps angry thoughts at the surface (19m56s).
• When people are angry, they need to find ways to calm down and relax, such as taking deep breaths, rather than engaging in activities that keep their anger at the surface (20m36s).
• Rage rooms and similar activities may invite people to engage with their anger, but they don't actually help to resolve it (21m18s).
• There are rage rooms specifically for women, and some may even take participants into the woods, but the effectiveness of these activities is questionable (21m26s).
• An article in the New York Times discussed "rage women" and the idea of women engaging in angry activities, but the effectiveness of these activities in resolving anger is not clear (22m5s).
• When experiencing rage, it can feel overwhelming and blind a person, making it essential to process and manage anger in a healthy way (22m8s).
• Cathartic expressions like breaking stuff or exercising may provide temporary relief but are not good ways to deal with anger in the long run (22m27s).
• Physically acting out anger, such as lashing out, may feel good in the moment because it aligns with the body's natural response to anger, but it's not a healthy approach (22m46s).
• Other unhealthy ways to deal with anger include doing drugs, overeating, or screaming at a friend, which may provide temporary relief but have negative consequences (23m0s).
• These unhealthy approaches can be physically dangerous in the long run, even if they seem like a safer alternative to physically acting out anger (23m32s).
• Research has shown that people who use physical expressions of anger, such as punching a pillow or a punching bag, are more likely to lose control and engage in harmful behavior when they're angry in the future (23m45s).
• Practicing anger in a physical way can have long-term, harmful consequences, as it reinforces aggressive behavior (24m5s).

Catharsis and Anger Management

• Dr. Brad Bushman's research, which analyzed 154 studies, found that relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing and grounding, are effective in managing anger, whereas increasing arousal, such as through physical expressions of anger, is not (24m51s).
• Many people are resistant to the idea that physical expressions of anger are not an effective way to manage anger, as seen in the reaction to Dr. Brad Bushman's research on Instagram (24m36s).
• Rage rooms are businesses that offer organized chaos, often in abandoned warehouses or vacant offices, where people can express anger in a controlled environment, and some even market themselves as an alternative to anger management, with one local example offering services for gender reveals (25m43s).
• Some rage rooms have been known to repurpose old escape rooms that went out of business, but ultimately end up shutting down themselves, with one example turning into a one-bedroom apartment (26m34s).
• A past establishment in LA Downtown offered a unique experience where customers could pay to be beaten by staff while wearing a dog bite suit (27m0s).
• A childhood game played by the speaker and their brother involved piling up sports gear and taking turns beating each other with it, using items like big plastic Tinker Toys (27m16s).
• The speaker's brother is five years older, which made the game somewhat unfair, but still enjoyable (27m37s).
• A news article reported on a rage room incident where someone hit an ink toner cartridge, releasing a potentially hazardous gas, highlighting the need for caution in such environments (27m56s).

Healthy Ways to Process Anger

• Healthy ways to process anger include deescalation mechanisms like deep breathing, mindful walking, and relaxation techniques, with a recent study finding these methods to be effective in managing anger (28m28s).
• Research has shown that college students who go for walks and bird watch have better mental health than those who just go for walks, as it forces people to get out of their head and focus on something else (29m6s).
• Engaging in activities like bird watching or identifying leaves can be a deescalation approach to manage anger and get out of one's head (29m46s).
• Anger gives people energy to confront injustices, and channeling it into problem-solving can be a healthy way to deal with it (30m12s).
• There are many ways to channel anger into something productive, such as protesting, writing letters to the editor, donating money, or joining causes to solve problems (30m27s).
• Putting anger into something creative, like hiring a plane to write a message in the sky, can also be a legitimate way to express and manage anger (30m40s).
• A personal example of channeling anger into something productive is writing an email to a politician expressing disagreement with their views, as a way to use anger as energy to confront an injustice (32m13s).
• Anger can provide energy to take action and do something productive, such as donating money to a cause or supporting someone in need, which can lead to feeling better afterwards (32m20s).

Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms and Valor Recovery

• Engaging in negative behaviors like vandalism or watching excessive pornography can be a result of unresolved anger and other emotions (32m47s).
• Pornography has become a common issue, with many men using it to cope with loneliness, boredom, anxiety, and depression, but shame and stigma often prevent them from seeking help (33m4s).
• Valor Recovery is a program that helps men overcome porn abuse and sexual compulsivity, founded by Steve, a long-term sexual recovery member who has personally overcome emotional and spiritual despair (33m40s).
• Valor Recovery provides tools and coaching to help men develop a healthier sex life and transcend problematic behaviors, with coaches who are in long-term recovery and serve as partners, mentors, and spiritual guides (34m8s).

Anger as a Warning Sign and Creative Outlet

• Anger is a warning sign that something is wrong, such as experiencing injustice or being treated badly, and it can be channeled into solving problems in a positive way (34m43s).
• Emotions like fear, sadness, and anger are the brain's way of providing information and warning of potential threats or losses, and they can be used to take action and make positive changes (34m50s).
• Channeling anger into creative activities like quilting can be a productive way to manage emotions, although it may not be the most effective solution for everyone (35m39s).
• Channeling anger into art, such as poetry or writing, can be a healthy way to express emotions, but it can be challenging to transition from a moment of anger to creating something positive (36m11s).
• To convert a moment of anger into something positive, it's essential to deescalate and calm down, allowing for a healthier relationship with emotions (37m0s).
• Writing while in a fit of rage can be difficult, and it's necessary to calm down to make sense and even use correct punctuation (37m18s).
• Electronic communication can be dangerous, as it allows people to quickly respond while still feeling enraged, which can lead to hurtful or regrettable messages (37m35s).
• A professor once advised waiting 24 hours before discussing a sensitive topic, allowing time to calm down and think clearly, which is more challenging with modern electronic communication (37m45s).
• Online communication can be easier in some ways, as it allows more time to think about responses, but it also lacks nonverbal cues, making it easier to say something hurtful without immediate consequences (38m56s).
• The lack of nonverbal cues in online communication can affect people over time, as they may not be confronted with the impact of their words on others (39m30s).
• In the past, people had to interact face-to-face more often, which allowed them to see the real reactions and feelings of others, whereas messaging can be less emotionally impactful (39m46s).
• The lack of face-to-face interaction can lead to people getting out of practice in interacting with others and forgetting how their words can impact others in a meaningful way (40m14s).

Minimizing Triggers and Managing Interactions

• Healthy processing of anger involves managing it better in advance by creating a life where triggers are minimized, and emotions are better regulated (40m48s).
• The model of anger management involves triggers, mood at the time of the trigger, and interpretation, and intervening in any of these places can help manage anger (41m6s).
• Some triggers can be avoided or minimized, such as watching scary movies or the news, which can have a negative impact on emotions (41m26s).
• Changing daily habits, such as commutes, can also help reduce exposure to triggers that cause frustration (41m53s).
• Sometimes, people continue to engage in activities that agitate them, which can be a form of addiction to the anger or frustration it causes (42m23s).
• Anticipating a situation will go poorly can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the person's hostility or negativity brings out the worst in the situation (42m47s).
• Anticipating a situation may go badly can lead to proactive emotion management, which involves taking steps to prevent it from escalating, such as giving people the benefit of the doubt and not assuming they will do or say the worst thing (43m34s).
• Minimizing contact with people who may trigger negative emotions can be an effective strategy, such as not being in the same room with them the entire night or limiting conversations (44m5s).
• Having a safe word or signal with a partner to indicate when to intervene and help manage frustration can be helpful (44m16s).
• Being thoughtful and prepared in advance can make a big difference in managing emotions and interactions (44m27s).
• Sometimes, taking the initiative to introduce oneself or start a conversation can help create a positive space for communication and prevent negative expectations from being fulfilled (44m39s).
• Being aware of one's own agitation and taking steps to manage it, such as creating distance from others, can be beneficial, but it can also lead to increased isolation and agitation if not balanced (45m14s).
• Recognizing that people may not think or behave as expected and being open to new experiences and interactions can help challenge negative assumptions and create more positive outcomes (45m34s).
• Taking the initiative to introduce oneself or start a conversation can help realize that one's negative expectations may be inaccurate and create a more positive interaction (46m0s).
• Recovery has taught that one's perception of things can be off, and it's essential to leave room for the possibility that one's understanding of a situation could be wrong (46m8s).
• When meeting people, it's crucial to be cautious but not assume that one's understanding of them is 100% accurate, as this can lead to bad perception building over time, especially when isolating oneself (46m25s).
• The degree to which people are isolating themselves, especially from those they might disagree with, and not having real conversations, is a significant concern, as it leads to making assumptions about others and reacting to those assumptions rather than reality (46m53s).
• Social media algorithms contribute to this issue by showing users content they agree with, causing them to interact more regularly with like-minded individuals and only seeing a specific sliver of others' lives (47m42s).
• This limited interaction can lead to a false sense of connection and increased anger, as people are not engaging with those who are different from them regularly (47m59s).

Societal Anger and the Role of Social Media

• It's unclear whether people are angrier now than in the past, but it seems that way due to the increased visibility of rage on social media, and it's possible that outward expressions of anger have become more normalized (48m31s).
• The normalization of hostility and screaming may be contributing to the perception that people are angrier, and social media may be bringing out the illusion of increased anger (49m13s).
• There may be some reason to believe that people are indeed angrier now than they used to be, possibly due to the decline of traditional social structures and a sense of togetherness (49m25s).
• Anxiety and anger are closely related emotions that can feel similar physiologically, and Americans, and possibly people worldwide, are more anxious about the future than they have been in a long time due to uncertainty about safety, financial security, and job stability (50m32s).
• The fear of job loss due to AI and automation is a significant contributor to this anxiety, even among those who are currently unemployed (50m55s).
• The uncertainty and fear of not having enough resources can lead to competitiveness and frustration with others, causing people to focus on taking care of themselves rather than working together (51m33s).
• The COVID-19 pandemic exacerbated these feelings, leading people to question whether they could trust each other and their governments, which further fueled animosity and anger (52m12s).
• The opioid epidemic and other instances of government and societal failures have also contributed to the erosion of trust in institutions and the feeling that those in power do not care about the well-being of ordinary people (52m57s).
• The combination of these factors has created a sense of pervasive anger and frustration, particularly towards society and ideology, which can be challenging to address (51m53s).
• Many people felt uncertain and frustrated during the COVID-19 pandemic due to the lack of clear and trustworthy information, leading to feelings of anger and mistrust among communities (53m32s).
• Different regions and institutions, such as schools, had varying approaches to handling the pandemic, causing confusion and frustration among people (54m21s).
• The sense of mistrust and frustration was not limited to the pandemic, but also extended to societal institutions, with people feeling that their best interests were not being considered (55m11s).
• In situations where trust is broken, it can be challenging to regain, and people may need to rely on themselves, much like a child in a family who feels that others are not looking out for their best interests (55m21s).
• Currently, many people do not feel that trust is being earned back, and there is a sense of disconnection and mistrust among individuals and institutions (55m44s).

Humor, Disagreements, and Media Influence

• Humor can be a useful tool in bringing people together and providing a sense of unity and shared experience (56m12s).
• A new Netflix show, "Tires," has been mentioned as an example of a humorous program that does not judge its characters and allows people to simply be themselves (56m27s).
• Characters in media can be liked or disliked based on their humor or views, but some people may dismiss a character's humor if they disagree with their views, which can be limiting and close-minded (56m54s).
• There are opinions that people can rally around, disagree with in a reasonable way, or strongly disagree with due to real-life consequences, making it challenging to navigate discussions and disagreements (57m40s).
• In the past, people didn't discuss politics as much, and disagreements were less heated, but the rise of social media and the 24-hour news cycle have contributed to increased polarization and anger (58m55s).
• Social media platforms and news outlets often prioritize content that evokes strong emotions, such as anger or fear, as it is more likely to go viral and generate clicks, which can be financially beneficial (59m41s).
• Politicians, news outlets, and other organizations may intentionally create content that provokes anger or outrage to increase engagement and revenue, which can exacerbate anxiety and stress in the age of the 24/7 news cycle (1h0m11s).
• The movie "Cats" is not recommended, as the speaker's son liked it, but the speaker has not seen it and does not think it is worth watching (58m10s).
• Constant exposure to 24-hour news and social media, which often focus on negative content, can have a detrimental impact on mental health and overall well-being, even if an individual is not directly affected by the issues being reported (1h0m43s).
• More than 70% of Americans believe the media exaggerates the severity of issues, which can lead to increased stress and anxiety (1h0m52s).
• People are drawn to information, even if it causes them harm, due to their natural curiosity and desire for social currency (1h1m26s).
• Sharing information that evokes strong emotions, such as anger, can be a way for people to connect with others and feel a sense of power (1h1m55s).
• The algorithm-driven nature of social media can be seen as a "death hack" that perpetuates the cycle of seeking out information that elicits strong emotions, rather than promoting more positive or neutral content (1h2m17s).

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Anger and its Consequences

• Anger can sometimes feel powerful and activating, but it's essential to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy anger (1h2m36s).
• Healthy anger is not about the emotion itself, but rather about how it is experienced and evaluated in a particular context, taking into account its consequences and whether it is beneficial or detrimental (1h3m37s).
• The consequences of unhealthy anger can be physical, such as heart problems or chronic headaches, while healthy anger can be a natural response to a situation that prompts evaluation and action (1h3m45s).
• Verbal and physical fights can be consequences of unhealthy anger in relationships, and some people may experience property damage, stealing, or other negative outcomes (1h4m1s).
• Unhealthy anger can lead to feelings of guilt, sadness, and fear, especially if someone says something they regret during an argument (1h4m18s).
• Apologizing quickly can be an effective way to manage anger and repair relationships, but it's also important to recognize and address the underlying issues that lead to anger (1h4m46s).
• Unhealthy anger can lead to substance abuse, overeating, and other maladaptive coping mechanisms, which can have negative consequences (1h5m11s).
• Recognizing the consequences of unhealthy anger is crucial, but it's also important to acknowledge that anger can be a positive force when managed and channeled constructively (1h5m43s).
• Taking a moment to evaluate the outcome of acting on anger can help individuals make better choices and avoid negative consequences (1h6m6s).
• Setting goals and prioritizing what's important can help individuals manage their anger and make more constructive choices, even in difficult situations (1h6m48s).
• Focusing on the desired outcome and avoiding distractions can help individuals stay calm and achieve their goals, even when faced with frustrating situations (1h7m9s).

Social Media Activism and its Limitations

• Social media can be a platform where people can argue or fight back, but it also provides an opportunity to reflect on why one is engaging in a particular space and what the point of arguing is, with the option to either continue or scroll on and not care (1h7m26s).
• Social media can deflate anger by allowing people to comment or post, which can feel like taking action, but ultimately leads to a sense of satisfaction without actually making a difference (1h7m57s).
• In the past, people would often protest, boycott, or take a stand when they were angry about something, but now it feels like commenting or posting on social media can be a way to feel like one has done something without actually taking action (1h8m4s).
• Social media activism can be powerful and meaningful, but it can also be a way to satiate the desire to do something without actually making a difference (1h8m45s).
• The constant stream of new information on social media can make it difficult to focus on one issue for an extended period, leading to a lack of depth and resilience in social media protests (1h9m11s).
• Before the internet, social movements grew slower and were more focused, with examples like the Montgomery Bus Boycott, which was a year-long effort that began with Rosa Parks' act of resistance (1h9m37s).
• In contrast, modern social media protests can form rapidly but often lack the underlying resilience and focus needed to create lasting change (1h9m57s).
• When people put a lot of work into something in advance, they are more invested in seeing it through, which is often not the case with social media protests (1h10m10s).
• Social media can make it easy to be an activist for a short period, but closing the app can make one feel like they are no longer an activist, highlighting the superficial nature of some social media activism (1h10m26s).

Raising Emotionally Wise Children

• A significant responsibility of parents is to teach their children about their feelings and emotions, which is crucial for raising emotionally wise kids (1h10m53s).
• In a household with a lot of anger, children often express emotions in the same way as their caregivers, which is rooted in the concept of modeling in psychology (1h12m6s).
• Children may be rewarded or punished for expressing certain emotions, which can lead to mixed messages and confusion about how to deal with their feelings (1h12m32s).
• Sometimes, children are punished for expressing anger by being hit or spanked by their parents, which can be counterproductive (1h12m46s).
• To raise emotionally wise children, it's essential to talk about feelings often, give them the language to have conversations about emotions, and help them identify what they're feeling (1h13m5s).
• Many people struggle to differentiate between emotions like anger, sadness, and fear, and helping children understand these differences is crucial (1h13m26s).
• One effective way to help children understand emotions is to unpack their emotional experiences with them, discuss how others might be feeling in different situations, and encourage empathy (1h13m47s).
• By teaching children to recognize emotions in themselves and others, parents can help them develop emotional intelligence and become more aware of their feelings (1h14m18s).
• When dealing with feelings of hurt, it's essential to have conversations and understand the emotions, as people can realize that their feelings may not be rooted in logic or reality, but are still valid and should be unpacked and discussed (1h14m31s).
• Feelings can be intense and real, but not necessarily valid or based on reality, and it's crucial to take time to understand and talk about them to avoid minimizing or misinterpreting them (1h15m4s).
• Sometimes, people, especially children, may not be aware of their feelings or may not know how to identify and express them, and talking to them about their emotions can help them understand and recognize their feelings (1h15m31s).
• Children are often not allowed to express their feelings and may be shamed for having them, which can lead to difficulties in expressing emotions in adulthood, and it's essential to create a safe space for them to feel and express their emotions (1h16m0s).
• Allowing children to feel and express their emotions can help create emotional resilience, enabling them to cope better with their emotions in the future (1h16m23s).
• The ultimate goal is to help children develop the ability to recognize their emotions, understand their root causes, critically evaluate them, and know how to manage them, which requires providing them with the necessary tools and space to develop these skills (1h17m1s).
• As a society, there has been progress in providing children with the tools to manage their emotions, but it's essential to continue having open and non-judgmental conversations with them to help them develop emotional intelligence (1h17m30s).
• Having conversations with children about their emotions, without judgment or punishment, can help them develop better ways to manage their emotions and improve their emotional resilience (1h17m44s).
• Parenting should not be consequence-free, but rather focus on dealing with feelings and finding the best way to handle situations, which helps develop emotional resilience in children (1h18m3s).
• Emotional resilience is about being able to feel things and then overcome those feelings at times, and giving kids space to manage their emotions can help create this resilience (1h19m56s).
• It's essential to teach children that their emotions alone aren't necessarily a reason not to do something, and that they need to understand their responsibilities and work through their feelings (1h19m1s).
• A key aspect of emotional resilience is being able to feel scared or anxious but still take action, as seen in the example of a child who is a performer and gets anxious about performing but still manages to do it (1h19m25s).
• Giving kids space to manage their emotions and having expectations for their behavior can help them develop emotional resilience, and this approach can also be applied to being a supervisor or a human being in general (1h20m29s).
• Being sensitive to someone's emotional needs, whether it's a child, an employee, or oneself, and having expectations for their behavior is a crucial aspect of building emotional resilience (1h20m37s).

Self-Compassion, Past Issues, and Personal Growth

• Practicing self-compassion and giving oneself grace is essential, but it can be challenging, as many people tend to be hard on themselves (1h21m2s).
• Type A individuals are often competitive and success-driven, which can lead to a desire to accomplish certain things and be a certain way, but may also make it difficult to give themselves the benefit of the doubt or feel pride in their accomplishments (1h21m12s).
• Not knowing how to process emotions or what was going on as a child can lead to difficulties in adulthood, such as not having a sense of what's okay and being at the whim of what others think is okay (1h21m45s).
• The cost of not teaching children to feel proud of themselves can be immense, as it can lead to a lack of self-awareness and a reliance on others for validation (1h21m55s).
• Surrounding oneself with good people who care and can offer support and reminders that it's okay to not have things happen exactly as wanted can be helpful in managing self-criticism and anger (1h22m25s).
• The pressure to constantly improve and make things better can be overwhelming, and it's essential to acknowledge that it's okay to take a break and be proud of what has been accomplished (1h22m54s).
• Unprocessed anger from childhood can still be present in adulthood, and it's possible for two things to be true: that the anger is still present, and that it can be processed and dealt with (1h24m11s).
• Growing up in a challenging environment, such as the "Stray animal belt," can shape one's experiences and worldview, and it's essential to acknowledge the impact of these experiences on one's life (1h23m58s).
• It's never too late to process and deal with past issues that still cause anger, even in one's 40s or 50s, although it may be more challenging (1h24m34s).
• When dealing with past issues, it's essential to recognize that some things cannot be fixed, and the goal should be to forgive, better understand the situation, or forgive oneself for not handling it differently (1h25m26s).
• Forgiving oneself for not being able to forgive others is also a crucial aspect of processing past issues, as it can lead to self-directed anger and frustration (1h25m45s).
• Sometimes, the inability to forgive others can shift to self-directed anger, making it essential to acknowledge and address this emotional struggle (1h26m4s).

Reflecting on Past Experiences and Memories

• Past experiences, such as struggling in school or making poor choices, can still evoke feelings of anger and frustration years later, especially if one feels they didn't make the most of their opportunities (1h27m34s).
• Taking a break and stepping away from a situation can be beneficial in gaining perspective and figuring things out, as long as there is a safety net in place (1h27m46s).
• Having a support system, such as family, can provide a sense of security and allow individuals to take time to reflect on their choices and goals (1h27m59s).
• Some individuals may look back on their college experience and feel upset that they did not have a more enjoyable time, despite possibly having a good experience overall (1h28m3s).
• People's memories of emotional experiences are not always accurate, as they tend to focus on the high or low points rather than the day-to-day experiences (1h29m2s).
• A study found that people's emotions during a week-long vacation did not correlate with their overall assessment of the trip after it ended, as they tended to focus on the high points or low points (1h29m17s).
• This phenomenon can also apply to college experiences, where people may focus on the high or low points rather than the everyday experiences (1h30m3s).
• The brain's tendency to focus on overall themes or high/low points rather than day-to-day experiences is sometimes referred to as "chunking" (1h30m27s).
• Dr. Sarath has written a book about memories and how the brain processes them, which explores this concept further (1h30m33s).

Anger as a Personality Trait

• Some people may have a complex relationship with their anger, even enjoying the feeling of being angry due to past experiences (1h30m44s).
• Anger can be both an emotion and a personality trait, and people may connect with their past experiences of anger when they feel angry in the present (1h31m22s).
• Anger can be a characteristic that some people identify with and cling to as a defining trait, which can be influenced by upbringing and genetics (1h31m26s).
• Some successful people use anger as a tactic to manipulate and get what they want, and they may appreciate identifying as an angry person (1h32m14s).
• Identifying as an angry person can be a cop-out for those who don't want to deal with their anger, as they may be scared to change and fear it will affect their success (1h32m57s).
• People with an angry trait may be more easily provoked and have a lower threshold for what triggers their anger (1h33m27s).

Parenting Strategies and Emotional Resilience

• Parenting strategies to help kids cope with anger include teaching them tools to decrease their anger in the moment, such as deep breathing, distraction, and finding healthy outlets like drawing or playing with pets (1h34m19s).
• Helping kids identify areas where they have control in their daily life can also be beneficial in managing anger, although this can be challenging due to their limited control (1h34m47s).
• A 12-year-old son is a die-hard basketball fan and handles the team's losses well, but it takes a toll on him, making him sad, which raises concerns about the impact of such emotions on children over time (1h35m9s).
• As a parent, it's essential to consider how much time children spend on activities that can have an emotional toll and whether it's good for them to feel anger, with the answer being yes, up to a point (1h36m6s).
• Dealing with emotions is similar to exercise, where one needs to push themselves to a place of discomfort but not harm, and it's essential to learn to cope with uncomfortable emotions (1h36m40s).
• It's crucial for children to feel some anxiety, fear, and anger to learn how to deal with these emotions and work through them in a healthy way (1h37m19s).
• Parents have the responsibility to help their children learn how to absorb and deal with emotions, which can be a challenge, especially considering that past generations may not have been attuned to these needs (1h37m35s).

Unrealistic Expectations and Personality Types

• Unrealistic expectations, such as thinking people should know what you want without explaining it, can provoke anger, and this phenomenon has a name, although it's not specified (1h38m11s).
• People who are ambitious and success-driven often experience frustration when things don't go as planned, which can lead to anger, a common trait associated with Type A personalities (1h38m31s).
• Type A individuals tend to be angrier and more aggressive, especially when their goals are blocked, and they often have more goals and expectations that can contribute to their anger (1h39m11s).
• Those with obsessive-compulsive personality types are also prone to anger due to their strong desire for things to be done in a specific way, and they can become angry when others don't meet their expectations (1h39m40s).
• Individuals who are rule-driven or want things in a specific way are more likely to experience anger, whereas those who are more open and flexible tend to experience less anger (1h40m8s).
• The Big Five personality traits, including openness, conscientiousness, and agreeableness, are associated with being healthier and more successful, and acknowledging the benefits of these traits can be helpful (1h40m20s).

Dealing with Anger in Relationships and Seeking Help

• Dealing with a spouse who has anger issues can be challenging, and anger in families can manifest in different ways, including scary and potentially abusive behavior or anger directed at the world rather than the family (1h41m20s).
• Some individuals, like the speaker's dad, may be angry at the world but not necessarily take it out on their family, highlighting the complexity of anger issues in relationships (1h41m57s).
• A person's childhood experiences with their father's anger issues, where he would yell at strangers like waiters or gas station attendants, had a lasting impact and scared them as a kid, even when they weren't the direct target of the anger (1h42m1s).
• Relationships can be tricky, and communication is key, but people with severe anger problems may need professional help from a therapist (1h42m48s).
• Recognizing when anger problems are "bad enough" to seek help can be driven by the consequences, such as a partner feeling uncomfortable or scared by the anger (1h43m12s).
• If someone finds themselves getting angry too often, using unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking, or feeling uncomfortable with their anger, these can be signs that they need to seek help (1h43m35s).

Underlying Causes of Anger and Overpacked Schedules

• Anger can be motivated by underlying stress and unrealistic expectations, such as feeling anxious about meeting goals or accomplishing tasks (1h44m16s).
• Sometimes, anger can stem from unrealistic expectations of oneself, which can be coupled with core beliefs like feeling not enough (1h44m43s).
• Having unrealistic expectations can lead to planning too much or trying to do too much, which can contribute to feelings of anger and frustration (1h45m16s).
• Setting unrealistic goals can lead to feelings of frustration and inadequacy, as individuals may set themselves up for failure by trying to accomplish too much in a short amount of time (1h45m27s).
• This behavior can stem from a core belief that one is not good enough, leading to self-criticism and a lack of patience with oneself (1h46m25s).
• Instead of giving oneself grace and being patient, individuals may try to work harder to achieve their goals, which can lead to burnout and feelings of inadequacy (1h46m36s).
• Having an overly packed schedule can make it difficult to have fun and enjoy social activities, as the focus is always on work and productivity (1h46m59s).
• Individuals may have a never-ending to-do list, constantly adding new tasks and feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work they need to do (1h47m10s).
• This behavior can be particularly true for ambitious people, who may feel that they need to constantly work to be successful (1h48m10s).
• Filling up all available time with work can lead to suffering in the long run and make it difficult to find a healthy work-life balance (1h48m25s).
• It is essential to find ways to temper and gain perspective on one's goals and workload to avoid burnout and maintain a healthy mindset (1h48m37s).

Success, Retirement, and Finding Purpose

• The concept of success is discussed, and it's noted that having a specific and realistic goal is essential, but the finish line often keeps moving because individuals set new goals for themselves, making it difficult to accept accomplishments (1h48m53s).
• To stay happy, one strategy is to mark and celebrate achievements, treating them as accomplishments rather than just adding to the to-do list, and taking time to appreciate the progress made (1h49m36s).
• The idea of retirement is discussed, and it's mentioned that the fear of retirement stems from not knowing what to do with the extra time or not having a specific goal to work towards (1h50m8s).
• The importance of having a goal or something to think about is highlighted, and it's noted that without work or a specific goal, it's unclear how the brain would operate (1h50m22s).
• The concept of Furlow days is introduced, which are unpaid days off to save the university money, but it's mentioned that some individuals, including Dr. Ryan Martin, continue to work on these days despite not being allowed to (1h51m1s).
• Working can sometimes serve as a distraction from personal life, and it's acknowledged that this can be a manageable way to cope with personal issues, but it's not necessarily a bad thing (1h51m52s).
• It's emphasized that personal relationships are essential and can be fulfilling, and people should prioritize them as they are beneficial in many ways (1h52m20s).
• Fulfillment can be achieved through work when individuals find meaning and purpose in their jobs, which can positively impact themselves and the world around them (1h52m30s).

Technology, Isolation, and Community

• Losing one's sense of purpose can be detrimental, especially in a world where technological advancements are increasingly replacing jobs, making it essential for people to find alternative sources of purpose, such as hobbies, family, or personal interests (1h53m29s).
• The rapid advancement of technology can sometimes feel overwhelming, and it's natural to wonder if it's truly serving humanity or simply making specific tasks easier while filling the saved time with more work (1h54m20s).
• Technology is supposed to make life better and easier, but its impact can be a double-edged sword, making certain tasks more efficient while also creating new challenges and complexities (1h54m31s).
• The increased reliance on technology has led to a loss of tangible experiences and connections, such as receiving paper tickets in the mail or reading local newspapers, which can make people feel more disconnected from their communities (1h55m49s).
• The value of being recognized in a local community, such as having one's name in a newspaper, has diminished with the decline of traditional media outlets (1h56m1s).
• The community is becoming increasingly isolated, with people locking themselves in their homes and interacting more with their devices than with their neighbors, spouses, or children (1h56m7s).
• This isolation can lead to a lack of meaningful interactions, with people only coming together on special occasions, such as Christmas, and often being surprised by changes in each other (1h56m45s).
• Some people have become accustomed to ordering unusual items online, such as exotic pistachios, and having them delivered to their homes (1h56m41s).

Dr. Martin's Personal Experiences with Anger

• Dr. Martin gets angry at himself when he fails to achieve his goals, whether personal, professional, or related to fitness (1h57m17s).
• He sets specific goals for himself and feels disappointed when he doesn't meet them, but has become more relaxed over time, especially in his interactions with others (1h57m31s).
• Dr. Martin has adopted a philosophy of understanding that everyone is dealing with their own struggles and has learned to be more patient and empathetic (1h57m52s).
• He recently had a security screening experience at the airport, where he was flagged by the system and had to undergo a pat-down search (1h57m59s).
• The security officer, who appeared to be a trainee, was rough and thorough in his search, but Dr. Martin chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was doing his best (1h59m10s).
• The person shares a past experience of meeting someone from Craigslist in the woods, which turned out to be a strange encounter, and expresses regret over the decision (1h59m40s).

Dealing with Angry People and Road Rage

• The person has written books, including one titled "Why We Get Mad," which explains where anger comes from, discusses angry personality types, and provides suggestions for dealing with angry people (2h0m23s).
• The book offers 10 specific suggestions for interacting with angry people, including how to deal with online encounters, staying calm, and considering whether one has made a mistake and needs to make amends (2h0m53s).
• Apologizing is not always a good idea, especially if it's not genuine, as it can be seen as a meaningless gesture to get out of trouble rather than a sincere expression of remorse (2h1m22s).
• When a person is truly sorry, they should apologize effectively, specify what they're sorry for, and make amends to prevent similar situations in the future (2h2m24s).
• Road rage is a common phenomenon because driving provides a perfect scenario for anger, with factors such as anonymity, a sense of control, and the pressure to arrive at a destination contributing to aggressive behavior (2h3m1s).
• Creating situations that provoke anger, such as driving, can lead to aggressive behavior, especially when there are unwritten rules and vagueness in the situation, like what speed to drive on the interstate (2h3m18s).
• The unwritten rules of the road can vary from person to person, and when drivers have different expectations, it can lead to anger and frustration, as seen in the example of two drivers having different ideas of what speed is acceptable (2h3m57s).
• The combination of arbitrary rules, nerve-wracking situations, and the potential for real harm can exacerbate the likelihood of getting angry when people slow us down or get in the way (2h4m44s).
• The consequences of road rage can be severe, including road rage-related shootings, which have increased in the last two years, making the situation even more volatile (2h5m26s).
• A personal experience of a friend dying in a road rage incident in New Orleans highlights the intensity and senselessness of such situations (2h6m1s).
• Playing out the situation in one's head and considering how to de-escalate the situation can help, with the goal of getting away from the person and avoiding interaction (2h6m8s).
• Examples of extreme road rage incidents, such as a person punching open a back window and another person pulling out a hatchet, demonstrate the unpredictability and danger of such situations (2h6m33s).
• An incident occurred where a person broke someone's window, but instead of leaving, they stayed and escalated the situation, which is becoming more common in various incidents. (2h7m7s)
• A personal experience involved a woman parking her car in front of someone and almost hitting them, prompting the person to honk their horn to alert her, but she became angry and started recording the situation with her phone. (2h7m24s)
• The question arises whether phones deescalate or escalate situations, as in the case of the woman who started recording after being honked at, and whether the presence of a phone can make people "perform" for the camera. (2h8m11s)
• A hypothetical scenario was mentioned where a soccer coach yelled at fans, and it was wondered whether recording the incident with a phone would have made the coach back away or escalate the situation. (2h8m26s)
• It's observed that people often prioritize recording a violent or intense situation over helping, possibly due to the influence of watching recorded violent events. (2h8m52s)
• The idea is proposed that recording a situation can sometimes deescalate it, especially if the person involved doesn't want to be recorded and become "famous," but this depends on the rationality of the person in that moment. (2h9m12s)
• Road rage is a significant factor in car crashes, with aggressive driving contributing to over 50% of fatal car crashes, resulting in around 30 deaths and 1,800 injuries per year. (2h9m52s)
• A Ted Talk on anger discussed the idea that anger can be good for you in various ways, with one circumstance being the need to address and understand anger in situations like road rage. (2h10m11s)
• Anger is not always a good thing, especially when it comes to being behind the wheel, as it can put someone in a dangerous spot, and it's better to back away and let it go (2h10m27s).

The Evolutionary Purpose of Anger and Social Movements

• Anger can be healthy when it's a response to unfairness or injustice in the world, and it's natural to feel anger in such situations (2h10m46s).
• Anger exists in humans due to evolutionary history, as it encouraged ancestors to fight back, making it a survival mechanism, and it's still valuable today (2h11m8s).
• Anger can motivate people to confront injustice and stand up against tyranny, and it's behind many social movements in meaningful ways (2h11m47s).
• Anger is what motivates most people in protests and social media, often in healthy ways (2h11m57s).

Managing Anger and Achieving Desired Outcomes

• To manage anger, it's essential to think about the desired outcome in any situation and consider how to achieve it (2h13m8s).
• Having the presence of mind to deescalate oneself and be intentional about thoughts and actions is crucial in managing anger (2h13m25s).
• For people with genuine anger problems, it's challenging to get to the thought of what's the rational and healthy thing to do in the moment, as they're often driven by righteous anger (2h13m51s).
• Preserving one's peace is essential, and taking a moment to think about how one wants a situation to play out can be helpful in managing anger (2h14m13s).
• In today's world, everything is loud and constantly signaling or notifying, making it essential to hold on to one's peace and think about how one wants a situation to end, which can be applied to both small day-to-day interactions and big life goals (2h14m15s).
• When dealing with others, it's crucial to consider how one wants the situation to look long-term, whether it's a business deal or a personal relationship, and to prioritize maintaining a good relationship over winning an argument (2h14m44s).
• Asking oneself how they want a situation to end can help in making decisions and navigating through difficult interactions, such as reaching out to a spouse when angry or dealing with a confrontational situation (2h14m26s).
• Thinking through long-term goals and charting a path to achieve them can help individuals stay focused and avoid diverging into unnecessary directions, but it's also okay to be aimless sometimes (2h15m41s).
• Being intentional about the desired outcome in various situations, whether it's a daily commute or a personal goal, can help individuals stay on track and make better decisions (2h15m56s).
• Dr. Ryan Martin emphasizes the importance of thinking about the desired outcome in different situations and being intentional about achieving it, which can help individuals manage their emotions and make better choices (2h16m30s).