How To Stop Being Such A People Pleaser - Nick Pollard

The Trap of People-Pleasing (0s)

• People pleasing is a trap for many individuals due to the environment created by social media, where everyone compares themselves to others who seem insurmountable, rather than focusing on their internal locus of control (14s).
• This constant comparison can lead to a sense of dissatisfaction and the desire to be better, but it's essential to recognize that one can be happy with their current situation while still striving for improvement (1m0s).
• A key issue with people pleasing is that it's often about managing optics and prioritizing others' needs over one's own, rather than focusing on personal growth and self-improvement (1m36s).
• People pleasing can stem from an overwhelming sense of inadequacy and a deep-seated feeling of not being enough, which can be challenging to overcome (2m5s).
• This sense of inadequacy can be fueled by various factors, including inferiority and superiority complexes, as well as impulse control issues (2m17s).
• Childhood experiences, such as having one overly involved parent and one who was not, can contribute to people-pleasing tendencies, as individuals may try to gain acceptance and love by making others happy or keeping the peace (2m42s).
• People pleasing can manifest in different ways, including trying to gain acceptance, being invisible, or constantly seeking to keep others calm, and it's essential to recognize these patterns to break free from them (3m6s).
• Many individuals who struggle with people pleasing share common childhood experiences, such as having one parent who made them the center of attention, leading to an excessive need for validation and approval (3m36s).
• People pleasing often originates from childhood, where individuals learn to prioritize others' needs to avoid abandonment and ensure their own needs are met, a phenomenon referred to as "transference." (3m41s)
• This childhood coping strategy can persist into adulthood, ultimately becoming detrimental to one's well-being and relationships. (4m2s)
• Common behaviors exhibited by people pleasers include dishonesty, such as lying, saying yes when they mean no, and committing to things they don't want to do. (4m28s)
• People pleasers often lack free time, have a constantly full calendar, and may experience financial difficulties due to prioritizing others' needs over their own. (5m16s)
• Prioritizing others' needs above one's own can be virtuous in moderation but can lead to negative consequences, such as feeling broke, alone, and miserable, when taken to an extreme. (5m32s)
• People pleasers often struggle to form genuine, connected relationships, as their behavior can be seen as insincere or masking their true selves. (6m10s)
• The line between virtuous behavior and people pleasing is crossed when actions are compelled rather than chosen, stripping them of their inherent virtue. (7m20s)
• A quote by Joe Hudson states that if someone can't trust your "no," they can't trust your "yes," highlighting the importance of setting boundaries and being honest about one's needs (7m33s).
• People pleasing tendencies often involve prioritizing others' needs over one's own, avoiding discomfort, and taking responsibility for others' emotional states (8m7s).
• This behavior can lead to unnecessary suffering and can be challenging to recognize, as it may be deeply ingrained (8m31s).
• The value of saying "no" is crucial, as it allows individuals to set boundaries and prioritize their own needs (9m2s).
• Many people with people-pleasing tendencies are not afraid to say "no" but are afraid of not saying "yes," as it can provide a sense of validation and dopamine rush (9m11s).
• A suggested exercise to help overcome people-pleasing tendencies is to spend seven days saying "no" to everything, with the option to change one's mind after 90 seconds (9m40s).
• This exercise can help individuals become more comfortable with saying "no" and re-evaluate their priorities (10m21s).
• It's essential to distinguish between being agreeable and being a people pleaser, as they are not the same thing (10m39s).
• By setting boundaries and prioritizing one's own needs, individuals can free up time and energy to focus on things they truly want to do (10m51s).
• To stop being a people pleaser, it is suggested to change one's default answer from "yes" to "no" (10m58s).
• This change in default answer becomes a habit that can be developed over time, which is why it is recommended to play this new game for only seven days (11m5s).
• The idea of repetition being key to developing a new habit is attributed to James Clear, emphasizing that it's not about the duration of practice but rather the number of repetitions (11m8s).
• The goal is to repeat the new action of saying "no" as the default answer hundreds of times in a week to make it a habit (11m13s).

Learning to Be Honest With Yourself (11m24s)

• People pleasing is associated with inauthenticity and a lack of truthfulness, as it often involves saying something to avoid upsetting others rather than expressing genuine beliefs or feelings (11m26s).
• This behavior can be uncomfortable and may stem from a desire to be kind, but it can also be seen as a lie, as it does not come from a place of genuine care or a desire to speak one's truth (12m8s).
• A person who is a people pleaser may struggle with self-identity and finding themselves, as they often prioritize others' needs over their own (13m39s).
• One way to address this issue is through play and self-invention, as these activities allow individuals to discover their boundaries, likes, and dislikes, and to learn and grow (14m52s).
• Play is not just about having fun, but also about learning and discovering oneself, and it is an essential part of childhood development that can be continued into adulthood (14m54s).
• By engaging in playful activities, individuals can invent new versions of themselves and find more joy in life, rather than trying to find a fixed sense of self (13m50s).
• The process of self-invention through play can help people pleasers to develop a stronger sense of self-identity and to become more authentic and truthful in their interactions with others (14m1s).
• People's definitions of self are formed through a process of self-invention, which often begins in childhood and may be lost in adulthood due to a lack of play and exploration (15m18s).
• Adults often lose contact with their core identity and struggle to reinvent themselves, leading to confusion about their sense of self (15m32s).
• Finding a balance between joy and meaning is crucial, and people can be broadly categorized into two groups: those who prioritize fun and those who are more serious and earnest, like David Goggins (15m53s).
• Those who are too focused on effort and rigor may end up delaying gratification to an extreme, resulting in no gratification and forgetting the reasons behind their actions (16m21s).
• A sense of joy and play is essential, and people who are too rigid and brittle may struggle to be flexible and take on new adventures (16m44s).
• Overplanning and a need for control can also prevent people from experiencing joy and play, as they may feel the need to work twice as hard before taking time off (17m2s).
• The lack of play and difficulty in finding joy can be a significant issue for many people, and recognizing this problem is the first step towards making a change (17m16s).

Why People-Pleasers Struggle to Find Joy (17m18s)

• People-pleasers often struggle to find joy in life due to their tendency to prioritize others' needs over their own, which can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy (17m18s).
• This struggle stems from a deep-seated belief that they are not good enough, which is often rooted in shame and can be toxic (18m5s).
• People-pleasers may mirror addictive behaviors, as they try to bury their feelings of inadequacy by constantly seeking validation from others (17m49s).
• This can lead to a vicious cycle where they feel the need to constantly prove themselves, making it difficult to find joy and happiness (18m17s).
• One of the challenges people-pleasers face is giving to themselves before giving to others, which can make it hard to experience joy and celebration (18m41s).
• A personal anecdote illustrates this struggle, where the individual had difficulty buying a TV for themselves despite having the means, due to feeling that it didn't serve the purpose of making others happy (19m22s).
• This experience led to the realization that people-pleasers often have a hard time experiencing joy, celebrating, asking for what they need, and receiving it (20m30s).
• The costs of being a people-pleaser include de-prioritizing one's own physical well-being, which can lead to neglect of basic needs such as cooking and exercise (21m18s).
• Prioritizing physical well-being, such as getting in shape, can be a crucial step in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies and improving overall well-being (21m32s).

The Cost of Being a People-Pleaser (22m2s)

• People pleasing can negatively impact one's health, as seen in the example of not taking care of oneself by skipping activities such as yoga, stretching, and meditation (22m3s).
• It can also affect emotional well-being, causing feelings of inadequacy and being "behind the eightball" in life, where one feels like they can never catch up to others (22m21s).
• This mindset can lead to financial problems, as people pleasers may give away money to others, causing their bank account to dwindle (23m2s).
• The long-term implications of people pleasing can be severe, potentially leading to burnout, with the average people pleaser burning out at around 38 years old (23m35s).
• Entrepreneurs are often prone to people pleasing, especially in the first three years of business, as they try to make money and may neglect setting boundaries (23m55s).
• People with high levels of success as people pleasers often experience burnout and growing misery, despite increasing income (24m11s).
• The problem of people pleasing can start small but become explosive over time, leading to individuals with no boundaries, a flawed self-image, and depression (24m41s).
• Overcoming people pleasing requires recognizing that the opposite is not being an "asshole," but rather finding a balance and understanding that it's possible to choose not to engage in people pleasing behaviors (25m15s).
• Distinguishing between being considerate and sacrificing one's identity to please others can be challenging, but it may be possible by paying attention to the emotions behind one's actions, such as feeling a sense of peace when giving from a place of love (26m18s).

When Does Being Considerate Go Too Far? (26m55s)

• Generosity is a positive trait, but it can sometimes be used as a means to people-please, and it's essential to recognize when being considerate goes too far (26m55s).
• When someone is people-pleasing, there's often something underlying, like resentment, which can be felt in the body, and it's crucial to acknowledge and correct this feeling (27m30s).
• Resentment can manifest physically, such as in the solar plexus, and it's essential to recognize this sensation and re-evaluate one's actions (27m45s).
• To determine if someone is people-pleasing, it's helpful to put space between the decision to give and the action, allowing time to reflect on the motivations behind the decision (28m0s).
• When considering giving to someone, especially someone you love, it's essential to take time to ask yourself if the action is genuinely generous and kind or if it's motivated by a need for validation (28m22s).
• The difference in how men and women show up with their people-pleasing nature is not drastically different, but women tend to be more passive-aggressive in their people-pleasing behavior (29m12s).
• People-pleasers often exhibit underlying emotions like anger, dishonesty, and aggression or passive-aggression, regardless of their gender (29m20s).

How Men & Women People-Please (29m34s)

• People pleasing can manifest differently in men and women, with women often externalizing the problem and men internalizing it, leading to feelings of inadequacy and shame (29m35s).
• Men are often socialized to be rigid, stoic, and self-sufficient, which can make it difficult for them to express emotions or be vulnerable, leading to additional levels of shame around being pliable (30m26s).
• The societal expectation of men to be assertive and disagreeable can contribute to the shame men feel around being people pleasers (30m48s).
• The concept of masculinity has been redefined as a toxic trait, leaving men feeling like they are either useless or toxic if they don't conform to traditional masculine norms (32m39s).
• Many male people pleasers, often referred to as "nice guys," were raised in predominantly female environments or experienced abuse, leading to a lack of healthy male role models and a struggle with assertiveness (33m15s).
• Dr. Robert Glover's work on the "nice guy" syndrome is relevant to understanding the male version of people pleasing, and it's essential to help these individuals recognize that their behavior is okay and that they deserve to be valued and respected (33m3s).
• A person spent their entire life being ashamed of who they were as a man, feeling they weren't good enough, and trying to climb a ladder to please others, resulting in resentment, anger, and addiction (33m51s).
• Traditional psychology may not be well-suited for men, as they often don't need to be told they're okay or cry on someone's shoulder, but rather need help finding purpose and doing something else (34m34s).
• There's a delicate balance between wanting men to be strong and open up, while also recognizing their suffering without patronizing or treating them with kid gloves (34m57s).
• Men often fear being shunned by society, their partner, or friends if they open up, leading them to swallow their emotions, which can be unhealthy from a psychological standpoint (35m27s).
• To truly experience human emotions, men need to concede the entire spectrum of emotions, but this can make them feel like they're at the mercy of their emotions and lack control (35m52s).
• It's a complex issue to unpack, but exploring these ideas can help lay out a path for men to think about their emotions and for women to understand how to show up with the men in their lives (36m10s).
• Men may not feel comfortable sharing their emotions with women, and women may not be equipped to handle male emotions, unless exceptionally well-trained (36m42s).
• One way to identify if someone is a people pleaser is to count how many close friends they have, as people pleasers often lack meaningful relationships (37m6s).
• People pleasers often struggle to connect with others of the same sex, with women feeling safer with men and men feeling safer with women when they're in a people-pleasing mindset, although the reason behind this is unclear (37m12s).
• Despite being a common pattern, it's difficult to understand why people struggle to advocate for their own needs, as from an evolutionary psychology perspective, advocating for one's own needs should be a priority (38m13s).
• One possible reason for this difficulty is the fear of rejection, but for people pleasers, rejection can feel like abandonment, making it even harder for them to express their needs and desires (39m37s).
• To overcome this, it's essential to stop worrying about rejection and instead focus on asking for what you need, and if that's not possible, finding ways to give it to yourself (39m21s).
• People pleasers often struggle to form meaningful friendships with others of the same sex, with many clients lacking close relationships with people of the same sex (37m51s).
• The pattern of people pleasing can be challenging to break, but healing and growth can occur when individuals learn to prioritize their own needs and stop relying on others for validation (39m15s).

Why People Struggle to Advocate for Their Needs (40m2s)

• The biggest fear people have when setting boundaries is that others will be mad at them or hate them, stemming from a deep-seated desire for love and acceptance, often rooted in childhood experiences (40m3s).
• This fear can be a significant challenge to self-advocacy, as it requires expressing one's needs and potentially facing rejection or conflict, which can be daunting for those who have learned to prioritize others' needs over their own (40m41s).
• People-pleasing patterns can be perpetuated by a lack of experience in advocating for oneself, often due to growing up in households where communication was not transparent or open, leading to difficulty in expressing one's needs and desires (41m26s).
• Those who people-please may eventually lose touch with their own opinions, beliefs, and desires, making it challenging to advocate for themselves and prioritize their needs (42m20s).
• Agreeableness and people-pleasing are distinct, with agreeableness being a willingness to go along with others' suggestions, whereas people-pleasing is driven by a fear of conflict or rejection, leading to a loss of personal identity and autonomy (42m46s).
• People-pleasing can be particularly problematic in professional settings, such as corporate environments, where it can lead to feelings of powerlessness and difficulty in expressing one's opinions or needs (43m43s).
• The inability to express one's opinions or needs can be painful and lead to feelings of disempowerment, highlighting the importance of self-advocacy and prioritizing one's own needs (43m40s).
• People pleasing can lead to burnout and a loss of self-image, as individuals prioritize others' opinions over their own, causing them to lose touch with their interests and opinions (43m59s).
• To overcome people pleasing, it's essential to identify and understand one's own desires and opinions, which can be achieved through journaling and exploring different interests (44m42s).
• A significant challenge in overcoming people pleasing is realizing that one's successes and positive reinforcement from others may not be genuine, as they may be based on a persona or role rather than the individual's true self (46m1s).
• Feeling disconnected from one's successes is a common experience for people pleasers, as they may attribute their accomplishments to luck or external factors rather than their own abilities (46m20s).
• People pleasers often struggle to acknowledge their own talents and efforts, instead attributing their successes to luck or chance, as seen in the example of a CEO who downplays their 25 years of hard work and talent (47m9s).
• Recognizing and addressing these patterns is crucial in overcoming people pleasing and developing a stronger sense of self and self-worth (45m35s).
• People pleasing is a complex trait that often stems from a deep thinker who cares about others, has empathy, and social agility, which can be useful and powerful when deployed correctly (48m26s).
• The quote by Thomas Soul, "there are no Solutions only tradeoffs," suggests that people may have to make difficult choices and accept that they cannot have everything they want without some negative consequences (48m59s).
• People pleasing can be a pathological trait, but it also encompasses positive qualities such as kindness, generosity, and a loving nature, which do not have to be lost in order to overcome the negative aspects (49m54s).
• It is possible to transcend and alchemize the more pathological parts of people pleasing, leaving the individual with the things they care most about and love most in themselves (49m31s).
• The idea that people pleasing and narcissism may be on the same spectrum is an interesting concept, but it is essential to remember that the beautiful parts of a person do not have to die for the toxic parts to go away (49m46s).
• Overcoming people pleasing involves solving individual problems through a long enough timeline, allowing the person to keep the positive qualities they love about themselves without having to change who they are fundamentally (50m59s).
• Self-deprecation and self-deprivation are aspects of people pleasing that can be overcome by looking at oneself as having a set of problems to be solved, rather than being a problem in itself (50m49s).
• The process of overcoming people pleasing is not about turning into a different person, but rather about making adjustments and changes to one's behavior and mindset (51m7s).
• The concept of humans as servo mechanisms, guided by aiming away from what is not desired, is discussed, and it is suggested that people can course correct their way to a happy life by taking care of themselves and making positive changes (51m36s).
• The first thing to work on with clients is getting them to the gym to release anger, as people pleasers are often historically angry and need to address this emotion to improve their lives (52m7s).
• Building on physical practices, such as diet and sleep training, the focus shifts to psychological reframing and strategies for rehabilitation (52m37s).
• The first step in rehabilitation is to learn to sit with and acknowledge emotions, recognizing that they are not facts but rather a product of past experiences (53m23s).
• Once emotions are acknowledged, the next step is to question their meaning and the story behind them, and to challenge these narratives by asking if they are real and where they come from (53m42s).
• It is suggested that people tend to judge their negative emotions, but that emotions are not inherently positive or negative, and that getting curious about these emotions can be a powerful tool for growth (54m17s).
• The importance of self-reflection and self-inquiry is emphasized, encouraging individuals to explore their emotions and thoughts in a non-judgmental way (54m5s).
• The concept of Maxwell Maltz's book "Psycho-Cybernetics" is mentioned as an early influence on the idea of humans as servo mechanisms (51m22s).
• When dealing with feelings of excitement, fear, or anxiety, it's essential to identify the source of these emotions and understand where they come from (54m50s).
• People often struggle with feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt, especially when faced with new or challenging situations, such as appearing on a large show like Chris's show (55m1s).
• It's common for individuals to feel like they're not ready or qualified for certain opportunities, and this mindset can be a significant obstacle to overcome (55m4s).
• To overcome these feelings, it's crucial to learn to sit in the darkness and confront one's emotions, rather than trying to avoid or suppress them (55m17s).
• People pleasing often develops in response to external factors, such as the influence of others, and it's rare for someone to become a people pleaser in isolation (55m25s).
• Surrounding oneself with others who are dealing with similar issues can be incredibly helpful and make the process of overcoming people pleasing more enjoyable (55m28s).

First Steps to Correcting People-Pleasing (55m37s)

• People pleasers often forget their unique qualities and quirks, and instead, try to fit into societal norms, hiding their true selves (55m38s).
• The root cause of people pleasing is often the feeling of insufficiency and the fear of not being enough, which can be triggered by emotions and past experiences (56m7s).
• To overcome people pleasing, it's essential to learn to sit with and recognize these emotions, rather than trying to suppress them (56m3s).
• When individuals feel like they're not enough, they may try to seek validation from others, which can lead to people pleasing behaviors (56m19s).
• A helpful approach to managing these feelings is to become curious about when they arise and explore the underlying beliefs and thoughts that drive them (57m5s).
• Asking oneself questions like "What do I want to believe about this?" and "What do I want to do?" can help shift one's perspective and build confidence (58m35s).
• It's also important to remind oneself that it's okay not to be enough and that one's worth is not defined by external validation (58m40s).
• By acknowledging and working through these emotions and beliefs, individuals can break free from people pleasing patterns and develop a more authentic sense of self (55m54s).
• To overcome anxiety and self-doubt, it's essential to listen to your brain and acknowledge your feelings, allowing yourself to relax and have fun, as advised by Dr. Glover, who suggested learning to laugh, making mistakes, and enjoying yourself (59m15s).
• Reaching out to a support team or talking through your feelings can help navigate challenging situations and "danger zones" (59m43s).
• When faced with self-doubt, asking four key questions can help: what am I believing, how am I reinforcing this belief system, what would I prefer to believe, and what do I need to do to reinforce this new belief system (59m57s).
• The first question, "what am I believing," often reveals a deep-seated fear of not being enough, which can manifest in various forms, such as feeling not smart enough or not having attended a prestigious university (1h0m15s).
• Beliefs must be reinforced by someone in a position of authority, and individuals have the power to reinforce their own beliefs, making them the authority in their own lives (1h0m42s).
• The second question, "how am I reinforcing this belief system," helps identify actions or inactions that contribute to feelings of inadequacy (1h0m49s).
• The third question, "what would I prefer to believe," allows individuals to consider alternative, more positive beliefs, such as feeling capable and confident (1h1m10s).
• The fourth question, "what do I need to do to reinforce this new belief system," often requires the opposite action of what was identified in the second question (1h1m44s).
• Setting boundaries is crucial, and understanding the importance of boundaries is essential for personal growth and development (1h2m22s).
• The first misconception about boundaries is that they are about other people, when in fact, boundaries are about how one shows up in the world and are delineators for what one accepts and doesn't accept, with nothing to do with anyone else (1h2m39s).
• Boundaries are based on one's value systems, and enforcing a boundary means communicating one's values and taking action when those values are not respected, such as leaving a situation where someone is being unkind (1h3m1s).
• Boundaries are not a rule book, but rather a way to define oneself in equality, making one's needs equal to everyone else's, and then making decisions based on that data (1h3m47s).
• Boundaries are not about putting oneself first or being selfish, but rather about recognizing that one's needs are as important as everyone else's (1h3m50s).
• An example of a boundary is not being in charge of other adults' decisions, such as whether or not they choose to drink, and communicating that clearly to others (1h4m33s).
• Boundaries can be applied in various situations, including at work, and are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and prioritizing one's own needs (1h5m12s).

Biggest Misconceptions About Boundaries (1h5m21s)

• When communicating boundaries, it's essential to be direct and clear, using phrases like "I'm not going to do that" or "I have a boundary around personal time with my family," to convey your message effectively (1h5m21s).
• Two common misconceptions about setting boundaries are that they are a list of rules for others and that they are meant to control others, when in fact, they are a list of values and priorities that you hold yourself to (1h5m36s).
• A Bill of Rights is a list of values and priorities that you hold yourself to, and it can include things you are allowed to do, such as asking for what you want, having conversations during sex, and having an opinion, as well as things you don't have to do, such as tolerating unkindness (1h5m55s).
• Having a Bill of Rights can help you develop boundaries and communicate them effectively, and it's not just a list of affirmations, but rather a set of guidelines that you've put in place to protect your values and priorities (1h6m12s).
• When creating your Bill of Rights, consider including things that are important to you, such as not tolerating yelling in conversations, and be specific about what you will and won't do (1h7m1s).
• Enforcing your Bill of Rights means being clear and direct about your boundaries, and being willing to take a break or step away from a situation if someone is not respecting them (1h7m15s).
• Having a Bill of Rights can help you build confidence and communicate your boundaries effectively, and it's not just about shouting affirmations at yourself, but rather about having a clear sense of what you stand for and what you won't tolerate (1h8m5s).
• Alex Chosi, a personal growth coach, notes that confidence is not about shouting affirmations at yourself, but rather about having a clear sense of what you stand for and what you won't tolerate (1h8m1s).
• Having a Bill of Rights can help you avoid negotiating with yourself about what is and isn't a boundary, and instead, allows you to be clear and direct about what you will and won't do (1h8m30s).
• People pleasing can be addressed by creating operating principles and setting boundaries, which can help mitigate useless tendencies and redirect negative behaviors (1h9m0s).
• Preparation is key, and having a plan in place can add to one's competence, with 20 minutes of preparation potentially adding 20 IQ points (1h9m29s).
• Redirecting negative behaviors is a process that requires effort, but once a new path is established, it can become easier and more automatic, moving from system two to system one thinking (1h10m27s).
• There are four levels of learning: unconsciously incompetent, consciously incompetent, consciously competent, and unconsciously competent, with the goal of becoming a natural in a particular skill or area (1h10m47s).
• Setting boundaries is crucial, and a quote suggests that instead of trying to fix people, one should focus on setting boundaries, which can be a more effective approach (1h11m43s).
• Meeting people where they are and assuming that the person in front of you is who they are, rather than trying to change them, can be a more realistic and effective approach (1h12m11s).
• People often idealize others, focusing on specific characteristics, and try to mold them into their ideal partner, rather than accepting them for who they are (1h12m47s).
• It's essential to set boundaries instead of trying to fix people, as this approach can be particularly helpful for hopeful or hopeless romantics (1h13m0s).
• This concept applies not only to romantic relationships but also to friendships and family relationships (1h13m11s).
• When someone shows you who they are, it's crucial to believe them, as this is the easiest way to negate narcissism and acknowledge red flags (1h13m24s).
• Ignoring red flags is a significant red flag in itself, and being boundaried and understanding one's Bill of Rights can help individuals tolerate less and maintain their boundaries (1h13m57s).
• Establishing a Bill of Rights or operating principles is a task that requires focus and physical writing, but maintaining those boundaries over time is equally important (1h14m38s).
• To stay resilient in boundary setting, it's essential to develop habits and routines that support maintaining those boundaries, rather than relying on temporary motivation or strict prescriptions for living (1h15m21s).
• There is no one-size-fits-all approach to maintaining boundaries, and individuals should find what works best for them, rather than following prescriptive ways of living (1h15m37s).
• To focus on top priorities, write down the top three things to focus on, put them on a business card, laminate it, and keep it in a wallet or pocket as a reminder (1h15m56s).
• Most people don't need to be taught, they need to be reminded, so having a reminder of priorities can be helpful (1h16m25s).
• Being part of a community of like-minded people can also help in staying focused on priorities (1h16m31s).
• Having a morning routine that includes reading reminders or priorities can be beneficial, even if it's just for a short time each day (1h16m50s).
• A simple and effective way to stay focused is to read reminders or priorities once a day, without needing to spend a lot of time meditating or reflecting (1h17m8s).
• Zig Ziglar, a well-known sales trainer, taught the importance of having a daily reminder of priorities and intentions, which can be a powerful tool for staying focused (1h17m42s).
• Ziglar's approach to daily reminders was not about affirmations, but about stating intentions and how one plans to show up each day (1h17m52s).
• The quote "the eyes are the windows to the soul, so be careful what you look at" can serve as a reminder to be mindful of the information and influences one exposes themselves to (1h18m1s).

Maintaining the Boundaries You Set (1h18m14s)

• Maintaining boundaries requires revisiting and updating them regularly, as they are not static and can evolve over time, just like personal needs and who you are as a person (1h18m47s).
• It's essential to read and reflect on your boundaries daily, and consider using tools like Post-it notes or mantras to help remember them (1h19m16s).
• Boundaries can change as you grow and develop, and it's crucial to give yourself time to adjust to new boundaries, especially if you're a highly sensitive person (1h19m8s).
• When needing to enforce a boundary or say no, it's not always necessary to have the conversation in the moment, and it's often better to buy time to avoid mixing emotions and logic (1h20m29s).
• Conflict deferment, rather than avoidance, can be an effective strategy, allowing you to address the issue when emotions have cooled down (1h21m8s).
• When feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed, taking a break from the conversation or situation can be a helpful way to maintain boundaries and prioritize your needs (1h21m37s).
• Deep breathing techniques, such as taking a deep breath in and out, can help reset your nervous system and provide a moment to collect your thoughts before responding to a situation (1h22m17s).
• This technique, inspired by the martial arts concept of Ki, can help you regain control and respond more mindfully, rather than react impulsively (1h22m9s).

How Sensitive People Can Be More Assertive (1h22m43s)

• To reset and make decisions, taking one good solid breath can help, and it's not necessary for others to know about it, allowing for a moment of self-inquiry to tap into desires and advocate for needs (1h23m12s).
• In situations where a decision must be made in the moment, mindfulness can facilitate self-inquiry, and tools like the "Huberman breath" can be helpful (1h23m49s).
• When under pressure, it's essential to remember that there's no such thing as an emergency, and most decisions don't need to be made immediately, unless it's life or death (1h24m29s).
• A default answer of "no" can be helpful when feeling uncomfortable or pressured, and it's essential to remember that no feeling is permanent or fatal (1h24m47s).
• Courage and bravery are developed through action, and it's okay to feel afraid; in fact, fear is a necessary component of bravery (1h25m43s).
• When feeling afraid, it's essential to rewire thoughts and remember that fear doesn't mean anything; it's just a feeling, and it's unlikely to be fatal (1h26m38s).
• The two seconds between a decision and the words that follow can make a big difference, and taking a moment to think before responding can be helpful (1h26m50s).
• In situations where a decision must be made, giving oneself 90 seconds to think before responding can be beneficial (1h27m0s).
• When someone is pressuring or pushing on a boundary, give yourself two seconds to think before responding, and then speak whatever comes to mind, which can help diffuse the conversation (1h27m15s).
• The guilt people-pleasers feel when choosing themselves over others is a visceral emotion, often stemming from a sense of obligation and fear of being disliked (1h28m12s).
• This guilt can be reframed by recognizing that the feeling of guilt is similar to the excitement of finally choosing oneself, and asking whether the guilt is due to not choosing others or the excitement of choosing oneself (1h28m54s).
• It's possible to get over the discomfort of saying no and prioritizing oneself, just like one can get over the discomfort of learning new skills, such as tying shoes or not wetting one's pants (1h29m30s).
• The key is to recognize that one is not for everyone and that saying no is not a source of guilt, but rather a necessary part of setting boundaries and prioritizing oneself (1h29m52s).
• It's essential to ask oneself how important their "no" is and whether they are truly believing that others will be significantly affected by their decision, which can help put things into perspective (1h30m25s).
• Recognizing that one is not that important in the grand scheme of things can help alleviate the guilt associated with saying no and prioritizing oneself (1h30m32s).
• People pleasing and narcissism often overlap due to a sense of self-importance, where an individual's 'no' holds little value because they rarely say it, making others skeptical when they do say 'no' (1h30m48s).
• As a result, when a people pleaser says 'no', others may not believe them because they are not used to hearing it from that person (1h30m59s).
• Similarly, when a people pleaser says 'yes', others may also be skeptical due to the person's tendency to overcommit, making it difficult for them to follow through on their commitments (1h31m4s).

The Guilt of Choosing Yourself Over Others (1h31m9s)

• When you constantly say yes to everything, your "no" becomes meaningless, and your "yes" becomes less than meaningless, making it essential to start saying no to things to regain control (1h31m19s).
• Initially, stopping people-pleasing can make life harder because it involves going through a period of loneliness, as people-pleasing is a lonely way to live, making you feel like you're in a transaction with everyone around you (1h32m2s).
• When you start prioritizing yourself as equal to others, some people may leave your life, making you feel lonely, but it's essential to remember that you were already lonely in your people-pleasing state (1h32m31s).
• When you quit people-pleasing, some friends may exit your life, but others may circle back and appreciate the new version of you, as seen in the example of a friend who liked the new version of the person after they said no to doing shots (1h33m12s).
• The process of stopping people-pleasing can take time, and it's not unlike starting a business, where you experience a high level of loneliness before reaching the end result (1h33m58s).
• Having one boundary can make you too healthy for the people around you, causing them to turn on you, and it's essential to remember that setting boundaries is crucial in taking control and setting the tone in relationships (1h34m30s).
• When you take control and set boundaries, other people may not like it, and you may see people exit your life, but it's a necessary step in regaining control and living a healthier life (1h35m5s).
• Beautiful growth, exciting times, and increased freedom can be experienced during periods of loneliness, as it allows individuals to do what they want, when they want, without having to answer to anyone (1h35m35s).
• Initially, making changes to stop people-pleasing may feel uncomfortable and different, but it's essential to remember that one is already uncomfortable in their current situation (1h36m5s).
• If someone, such as a narcissistic person, is going to be mad regardless of one's actions, it's better to do what one wants and feel better about themselves (1h36m36s).
• Making commitments to oneself and showing up for those commitments can help build confidence, which is not dependent on external factors like money, friends, or material possessions (1h37m20s).
• When individuals start prioritizing themselves and showing up for their commitments, they begin to think more positively about themselves and their abilities, leading to increased confidence and a sense of self-worth (1h37m45s).
• As confidence grows, individuals may start to explore new possibilities and take risks, such as starting a business or traveling the world, which can lead to personal growth and a more fulfilling life (1h38m8s).
• However, it's common to experience setbacks and make mistakes along the way, such as forming unhealthy relationships or getting too full of oneself, but these can be opportunities for course correction and growth (1h38m57s).
• Ultimately, the journey of self-discovery and growth can lead to finding people who love and accept one for who they are, rather than trying to please others for validation (1h39m5s).
• A question was posed about whether people love individuals for who they are or for what they do, and it was noted that people often ask the world to love them for who they are, but their own love is contingent on how they've shown up that day (1h39m14s).
• This concept is related to self-worth, and it was compared to having a friend who consistently fails to follow through on their commitments, leading to a breakdown in trust (1h40m0s).
• Self-trust is built when individuals can deliver on their intentions, and it is damaged when they consistently fail to do so, such as hitting the snooze button or breaking their diet (1h40m16s).
• The concept of triggers was also discussed, and it was noted that triggers are the individual's responsibility, but the definition of triggers can be complex and nuanced (1h41m32s).
• Triggers can be auditory, visual, or experiential, and they can cause a visceral emotional reaction, bringing the individual back to a state of deep fear and anxiety (1h42m0s).
• The speaker noted that they have done work on post-traumatic stress disorder and believe that there is a conflation between triggers and negative emotions (1h42m35s).
• The speaker's business partner, Newton, was mentioned as someone who had a profound experience with psychedelics in Australia, which led to him questioning whether people loved him for who he was or for what he did (1h39m9s).
• It is recommended to consult a professional in the psychological field if experiencing overwhelming reactions to external stimuli, as this may be a more complex issue that requires specialized attention (1h42m52s).
• There is a distinction between triggers and negative emotions, as well as between trauma and adversity, and understanding these differences is crucial for addressing personal triggers (1h43m10s).
• Triggers are considered the individual's responsibility, and being made to feel uncomfortable by someone else does not necessarily constitute being triggered (1h43m20s).
• There is a difference between dealing with severe triggers, such as those related to post-traumatic stress disorder, and dealing with milder triggers related to discomfort or dislike (1h43m40s).
• Individuals have the responsibility to address and manage their own triggers, regardless of their origin or severity (1h43m35s).

The Role of Triggers in People-Pleasing (1h43m51s)

• Growing up, people are not required to tiptoe around others, and the idea that everyone is supposed to be everything to everyone all the time is unsustainable and unrealistic (1h43m53s).
• The capacity to give up on people is an important aspect of people-pleasing, and it's essential to know when someone has gone too far and when to stop investing in them (1h44m40s).
• The noble part of people-pleasing is giving someone a chance when nobody else would, but some people take it too far and struggle to set boundaries (1h45m0s).
• There's an epidemic of no contact in the world, and giving up on people is happening too quickly, with not everyone who bumps up against boundaries being a narcissist or toxic (1h45m36s).
• Not everyone who doesn't understand new boundaries is toxic, and it's essential to approach each situation with nuance (1h46m1s).
• Nuance is often used as an excuse to avoid hearing others' perspectives, but it's a crucial aspect of understanding complex relationships (1h46m15s).
• In some cases, going no contact or cutting people out of one's life may be necessary, as evidenced by the speaker's personal experiences with their father and sister (1h46m38s).
• Malevolence is unmistakable and a clear sign that it's time to reevaluate a relationship and potentially set boundaries or distance oneself (1h47m11s).

When to Give Up on Someone (1h47m35s)

• When considering people who are further along in life and have established success, additional complications arise when trying to enter a world of self-advocacy, particularly if they have financial resources, reputation, status, or acclaim (1h48m0s).
• Highly successful people pleasers may face more challenging obstacles to overcome due to having more at stake, and their deeply ingrained belief systems that have been reinforced over years (1h49m3s).
• The challenges of being a highly successful people pleaser can lead to burnout, as they may feel like they are just a source of financial support for others (1h49m41s).
• To overcome these challenges, it is necessary to redefine one's relationship with the two highest value things in life: family and money, with devaluing money being a top priority (1h50m1s).
• Devaluing money can be difficult, especially for those who enjoy making and spending money, but it allows for prioritizing things that bring actual joy and fulfillment (1h50m20s).
• Mark Manson's statement that both a homeless person and Elon Musk can have money problems highlights that financial struggles can affect anyone, regardless of their financial situation (1h48m47s).
• Beliefs drive behavior, behavior creates environment, and beliefs are built through reinforcement, making it essential to address and change deeply ingrained people-pleasing beliefs (1h49m14s).
• People who have spent years reinforcing people-pleasing behaviors may have convinced themselves that not making everyone happy will lead to financial ruin, making it harder to change their ways (1h49m28s).

Highly Successful People-Pleasers (1h50m37s)

• Changing one's behavior, especially for people pleasers, requires a significant amount of time and resources, and it can be more challenging than overcoming other habits (1h50m55s).
• Highly successful individuals, typically between 35 and 55 years old, making over a quarter million dollars per year, tend to experience a moment of clarity when they break the people-pleasing habit, and this change is often permanent (1h51m13s).
• For individuals who are not yet at this level of success, it may take longer to recognize the pattern and make a change, but with the right techniques, such as learning to say no, they can also overcome people-pleasing (1h51m45s).
• When someone with a higher status or prestige makes a change, others around them tend to trust and follow their decision, as they have faith in their abilities and judgment (1h52m30s).
• People with a higher status or reputation often have more support and resources, which can make it easier for them to make changes and take risks (1h53m33s).
• It's essential to remember that people do love and care about those who are changing, but they may not know how to show it, and they may have more to lose than the person making the change, especially if they are in a position of higher status (1h53m55s).
• There is a component of selfishness within social relationships, as people need to keep those with higher status happy, and this can affect the dynamics of relationships and the ability to make changes (1h54m26s).
• People who are loved by many often have a big social status, but those who love them may not want them to change their people-pleasing behavior as they benefit from it, either directly or indirectly (1h54m59s).
• The meaning of life is believed to be love, adventure, and honesty, and being honest with loved ones will only make them love more (1h55m23s).
• Being imperfect is what makes people lovable, just like velcro works because of its imperfections, and being true to oneself will make others love and appreciate them more (1h55m52s).
• Embracing one's true self and not trying to please others can lead to a more fulfilling life, with benefits such as having boundaries, great relationships, and amazing experiences (1h56m28s).
• Falling in love with oneself and letting people come and go as they need to can bring a sense of gratitude and freedom (1h56m41s).
• Having a strong sense of self and being true to oneself can lead to great opportunities and connections, such as meeting new friends and having amazing experiences (1h57m3s).
• Being authentic and true to oneself online can lead to new opportunities and connections, such as being invited to shows or meeting new people (1h58m1s).
• The journey of self-discovery and being true to oneself is worth it, regardless of the challenges or difficulties that may arise (1h58m32s).
• People-pleasing is an unseen epidemic that many people deal with, and being able to address it from a positive and empowering frame can be incredibly helpful (1h58m41s).
• Overcoming people-pleasing behavior is a challenging and internal battle that requires self-reflection and personal growth, and it's a process that may not receive external recognition or glory (1h58m53s).
• The journey to stop being a people-pleaser is a personal and internal struggle that can be both boring and magnificent at the same time (1h59m18s).
• Reading books that address people-pleasing behavior can be impactful in making positive changes, and some recommended books include "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover, and "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck (1h59m50s).
• "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura was the first book to help identify and address people-pleasing behavior, providing a clear understanding of the issue (2h0m0s).
• "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover is considered a cornerstone text on the topic, offering guidance on overcoming people-pleasing tendencies (2h0m13s).
• "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck is a highly recommended book that can bring about significant personal growth and change, especially for those who are willing to absorb and reflect on its message (2h1m14s).
• Other notable authors and books that can aid in personal growth and overcoming people-pleasing behavior include Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" and "Atomic Habits" by James Clear (2h0m53s).
• Kurt Vonnegut is a favorite fictional author, and his book "Slaughterhouse-Five" is a notable work, although not directly related to people-pleasing behavior (2h1m31s).

Impactful Books for People-Pleasers (2h1m38s)

• The book "Sirens of Titans" is a favorite, and the author's entire library has been read, but there's a growing feeling of burnout on reading personal growth content (2h1m39s).
• The author has likely absorbed around 10,000 hours of personal growth information and feels they already know what they need to know (2h2m7s).
• Nick Pollard appreciates the energy and vibe of the host and recommends checking out his social media, with the easiest place to find him being "The People Pleaser's Decom" (2h2m21s).
• Nick Pollard can also be found on Instagram under the moniker "The People Displease", which he hopes to get rid of eventually, but it's good for now (2h2m29s).
• To support Nick Pollard, people can follow him on Instagram and YouTube, with the YouTube channel needing more love (2h2m44s).
• Nick Pollard expresses gratitude for being on the show, which has been a dream of his for a couple of years (2h2m53s).
• The conversation ends with a mention of the YouTube algorithm and a recommendation to check out a bespoke episode selected by the "YouTube gods" (2h3m6s).