152. Fix Your Communication: Why It’s About Connection Over Perfection | Think Fast, Talk Smart:...

Introduction (0s)

• This episode of the "Fixable" podcast features a conversation with Matt Abrahams, a communication expert and professor at Stanford Business School. The episode focuses on how to communicate confidently and effectively, especially in spontaneous situations where preparation is limited.
• The hosts, Ann Morris and Francis Fry, discuss their contrasting communication styles. Ann prefers to be prepared and deliberate, while Francis thrives in spontaneous situations and finds her first draft to be her best.
• The episode aims to help listeners move from an "Ann" communication style to a more "Francis" style, emphasizing the importance of on-the-spot communication skills. Matt Abrahams, known for his work on "Think Fast, Talk Smart," is introduced as a "Master Fixer" who can provide valuable insights on this topic.

Mission of Spontaneous Speaking (4m58s)

• Matt's mission is to help people communicate better, especially in spontaneous situations where they need to think and speak quickly. He believes that this type of communication is crucial for both professional and personal success.
• Matt aims to reduce "stairway regret," the feeling of regretting not saying the perfect thing after the moment has passed. He believes that this is a common experience and hopes to provide tools to help people overcome it.
• Matt acknowledges that people have different relationships with communication. Some, like himself, thrive under pressure and feel more comfortable speaking spontaneously, while others may feel more anxious in those situations.

Audience Centered Communication (7m10s)

• Audience-centered communication is key to success. The goal of communication is to ensure the audience receives the information they need to be successful, regardless of the speaker's personal anxieties or desires for perfection.
• Perfectionism hinders effective communication. Striving for perfection in communication can lead to self-criticism and a decrease in cognitive bandwidth, ultimately hindering the ability to communicate effectively.
• Focus on getting the message across. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on getting the message across to the audience. This shift in mindset can lead to more effective communication and a reduction in self-imposed pressure.

Connection Over Perfection (9m51s)

• The speaker emphasizes the importance of connection over perfection in communication, drawing inspiration from improv techniques.
• They highlight the phrase "everything you do is exactly right" as a way to encourage liberation and release from the pressure of perfection.
• The speaker suggests that focusing on the present moment and assuming a positive outcome fosters connection, rather than striving for a flawless performance.

Benefits of Effective Communication (11m0s)

• Effective communication allows individuals to connect and share information with others, enabling them to benefit from the speaker's experience, wisdom, advice, and guidance.
• Building a strong communication infrastructure within organizations is crucial, focusing on people and processes that foster an environment conducive to effective communication.
• While effective communication requires time and effort, it ultimately saves time and resources by preventing the need to address misunderstandings and miscommunications that arise from poor communication.

Building a Communication Infrastructure (12m17s)

• Matt, a communication expert, emphasizes the importance of building a communication infrastructure within organizations. He believes that understanding the organization's communication strengths and weaknesses is crucial before implementing any changes.
• Matt's approach involves active listening to understand how individuals and departments perceive their communication effectiveness. He seeks to identify bottlenecks and challenges that hinder communication flow.
• He uses the example of "meeting creep" as a telltale sign of communication issues, suggesting that an increase in meetings often indicates underlying structural and communication problems. By identifying these signs, Matt aims to understand the root causes of communication challenges within the organization.

Six Steps to Better Communication (13m33s)

• Six Steps to Better Communication: The text outlines a six-step process for improving communication, particularly in spontaneous situations. These steps are divided into two categories: mindset and messaging.
• Mindset: The mindset steps focus on managing anxiety, addressing the perfection versus connection issue, shifting to a collaborative mindset, and actively listening.
• Messaging: The messaging steps emphasize the importance of using frameworks and structure in communication, and then focusing on delivering concise and impactful messages. The text uses the analogy of "telling the time" versus "building the clock" to illustrate the importance of being concise.

Managing Communication Anxiety (16m55s)

• Anxiety is a natural human response, especially when communicating in front of others. The speaker, who is a communication expert, believes that anxiety is not something to be feared or pathologized, but rather a natural part of being human. He compares it to the "in it to win it" emotion, suggesting that it can be a motivator.
• The speaker's own experience with anxiety began at a young age. He recalls a traumatic experience as a 14-year-old boy giving a speech at a school tournament. He was incredibly nervous and ended up ripping his pants during the speech. This experience sparked his interest in the impact of anxiety on communication.
• Despite the embarrassing incident, the speaker persevered and learned from the experience. He stayed on stage and finished his speech, demonstrating resilience and a willingness to learn from his mistakes. This experience ultimately led him to explore the impact of anxiety on communication and how to manage it effectively.

Handling Blanking Out (21m0s)

• Blanking out is a common fear for people who communicate publicly. The speaker shares a personal anecdote about blanking out while singing on stage at age 16, highlighting the visceral experience of this fear.
• Structure is key to preventing blanking out. Having a clear framework or road map for your communication, such as problem-solution-benefit, helps you stay on track and avoid getting lost in your thoughts.
• Shifting your focus from self-doubt to audience service can help overcome the fear of blanking out. Remembering that your communication is about serving the audience, not about your own perceived inadequacies, can boost confidence and reduce anxiety.
• There are strategies for recovering from blanking out. If you do blank out, repeating yourself, retracing your steps, or asking a question to distract the audience can help you regain your composure and get back on track.

Real-Life Experience (25m21s)

• The speaker, who is a public speaker, shares a real-life experience of giving a keynote speech in person after three years of only giving presentations online. They were unprepared for the lack of interaction that comes with in-person presentations and found themselves with 25 minutes of extra time to fill.
• The speaker used the advice from Matt, the host of the video, to fill the extra time by engaging the audience and asking them questions. This strategy worked well, even for a significant portion of the keynote.
• The speaker then uses this experience to highlight the importance of two-way communication in relationships. They point out that their wife, Fran, is the only one who is actively trying to improve their communication, while they are not reciprocating. This highlights the need for both parties to be actively involved in communication for it to be effective.

The Value of Preparation (27m44s)

• The chapter emphasizes the importance of preparation for effective communication, even in spontaneous situations.
• Preparation involves considering the audience's knowledge, potential resistance, and attitudes, as well as defining the communication's overarching goal in terms of information, emotion, and desired action.
• Preparation should focus on stockpiling key ideas and information, rather than memorization, to enable flexible and impactful communication in the moment.

AMP and Building Confidence (28m43s)

• Managing anxiety and building confidence is crucial for effective communication. While preparing content is helpful, it's not the only factor. The moments before a presentation are not the time to address anxiety.
• An "AMP" (Anxiety Management Plan) is a valuable tool for managing pre-presentation anxiety. This plan involves reframing anxiety as excitement, which can have positive benefits.
• Three key components of an AMP are deep breathing, positive affirmations, and present-oriented focus. Deep breathing, especially with a longer exhale, promotes relaxation. Positive affirmations, like "I have value to bring," combat negative self-talk. Focusing on the present moment and connecting with the audience helps to avoid getting lost in anxieties about the future.

Conclusion (31m53s)

• Matt Abrams, the author of "Think Fast, Talk Smart," shared his contact information, including his website, podcast, and LinkedIn profile. He expressed his appreciation for the opportunity to connect with the hosts.
• The hosts discussed the importance of presence and connection in communication, drawing parallels to stand-up comedy. They highlighted the need to be present with the audience, even when facing challenges like hecklers, and to see the value in their contributions.
• The hosts emphasized the fixability of communication challenges, aligning with the theme of the podcast "Fixable." They stressed that communication is the currency of leadership and that by improving communication, individuals can positively influence others.