Dating Doctor: "Start Dating Like It's Your Job!" Dating Apps Are Impacting Us More Than We Realise!
26 Aug 2024 (23 days ago)
Intro
- Dating apps have led to a decline in all forms of relationships, with fewer people entering relationships or even engaging in casual hookups.
- Traditional dating strategies are no longer as effective in the current dating landscape. [32]
- Pornography has significantly altered the dynamics of dating and mating by providing men with an easily accessible means of sexual satisfaction, potentially reducing their motivation to pursue relationships with women.
The Relationship & Sex Crisis
- There is a relationship crisis happening as fewer people are getting married and entering relationships.
- The number of people getting married is at a historic low, and global birth rates are also declining, with many countries having below-replacement fertility rates.
- Despite the availability of casual sex, fewer people are engaging in it compared to previous generations, which presents a challenge in a culture where sex often precedes commitment and long-term relationships.
How The Relationship Crisis Is Affecting Us
- Japan is facing a population crisis with a declining birth rate and an aging population, leading to a potential economic burden as fewer workers support a larger elderly population.
- Advances in robotics and AI are being explored as potential solutions to address labor shortages resulting from population decline.
- While societal concerns focus on population collapse, individuals are more concerned with the increasing difficulty of finding fulfilling relationships, despite technological advancements that seemingly simplify dating.
Common Problems Men Are Facing In Modern Relationships
- It has become more challenging for men to initiate relationships and find partners.
- In the past decade, there has been a 250% increase in relationships that began online.
- The increase in dating app use has coincided with a significant decrease in the formation of relationships.
Are Dating Apps Really Helping?
- Most people do not understand how to correctly use dating apps.
- Dating apps are tools that require strategic use based on their capabilities.
- Casual use of dating apps can lead to negative emotional outcomes, while strategic use, particularly for men, often involves taking significant action.
The Crisis Of Masculinity: What Men Are Going Through
- The largest killer of men over the age of 40-45 in the UK is suicide.
- There may be a correlation between changing dating and gender dynamics and the impact on men and masculinity.
- The current crisis of masculinity has created an opportunity for people to define what it means to be a man, which would have been unnecessary 100 years ago.
How Gender Dynamics Have Shifted Over Time
- Exaggerating typically masculine or feminine traits can increase visibility in dating, similar to the way male peacocks use their plumage to attract females.
- Emphasizing obvious physical differences between genders makes it easier to perceive potential partners from a distance.
- When individuals move away from traditional gender signals, it becomes more challenging to discern their intentions and desirability, leading to a higher opportunity cost in pursuing them.
Andrew Tate And The Rise Of Performative Masculinity
- Andrew Tate is described as a personality who has gained prominence by providing guidance to men who may feel lost and uncertain about their identity in the context of contemporary masculinity.
- The discussion highlights the challenges faced by young men, particularly their perceived invisibility and lack of value in a society where their worth is often tied to their possessions, skills, or attractiveness to potential partners.
- The text argues that young men often find themselves in a catch-22 situation where they lack the experience and opportunities to develop the qualities desired by others, making it difficult for them to break free from this cycle of invisibility and disposability.
Why Men Need To Feel Needed In Relationships
- A study analyzing suicide letters found that a frequent sentiment among men was feeling worthless and not needed.
- People need to feel connected to others and have a place in the world, which can take time to discover.
- Discovering one's purpose in life is best achieved through action and reflection on choices made, rather than solely through introspection or therapy.
The Unique Challenges Women Face In Today's World
- Women are experiencing difficulty finding men who are suitable for long-term relationships.
- A large percentage of consultations involve women seeking advice on how to get a man to marry them.
- In the past, young women were prepared for marriage from a young age by their female relatives, making it unlikely for them to reach the age of 30 without knowing how to find a husband.
My Professional Journey: What Led Me Here
- The speaker is a licensed psychologist in California.
- The speaker's professional experience includes working in a chemical dependency clinic, with cancer patients and their caregivers, in a community mental health center, and with patients with severe personality disorders. [1161]
- The speaker's private practice initially focused on men's mental health, working exclusively with men.
Understanding The Problems Both Men And Women Face
- Men frequently seek help with issues related to finances or romantic relationships.
- Some men who are successful professionally struggle in their personal lives, particularly with romantic relationships.
- Conversely, some men who experience success in their romantic relationships face challenges related to finances, career stress, and anxiety.
Applying Business Strategies To Improve Relationships
- Men and women approach relationships differently, with men often seeking sex and relationships while women may not readily provide those things.
- Strategies used in business, such as sales and persuasion, can also be applied to romantic relationships.
- Long-term relationship success often depends on partners having complementary skill sets, similar to how a successful startup benefits from founders with different strengths.
Why Women Seek Marriage: A Deeper Look
- Women are more likely to seek therapy and self-help resources than men.
- Women often express dissatisfaction with men's reluctance to engage in therapy.
- Men and women may benefit from different therapeutic approaches, with women often preferring emotional processing and men leaning towards action-oriented solutions.
Helping Men Improve Their Lives And Relationships
- Men seeking relationship advice often face challenges at different stages, such as struggling to get matches on dating apps, experiencing short-lived relationships, or desiring casual dating while attracting only long-term prospects.
- A dual strategy is recommended for dating, utilizing dating apps while also developing strong interpersonal skills through real-life interactions to improve social confidence and charisma.
- Direct experience and overcoming social anxieties through real-world interactions are crucial for improvement in dating, similar to learning a language, where practice, making mistakes, and learning from them are essential for fluency.
How To Increase Your Attractiveness
- Everyone can be more attractive than they currently are, and if someone is having trouble attracting others, it is usually a marketing issue.
- When using dating apps or meeting people in person, first impressions are based on a limited amount of information, such as pictures, responses, or a quick visual assessment.
- It is important to present oneself well, as initial judgments are based on the perceived idea or presentation of a person rather than their true character. [1883]
The Importance Of Surface Marketing In Dating
- Men should focus on what they can control to improve their attractiveness, such as learning seduction techniques and improving their appearance. [1910]
- Attractiveness is not evenly distributed, and some people are naturally more attractive than others.
- Men can learn from the "pickup artist" community, who used a data-driven approach to improve their dating success by experimenting with different strategies and observing the results.
How To Get Better At Meeting Women
- Women want kindness, safety, love, and generosity from men they are already attracted to, not the other way around.
- Being more attractive makes dating and mating easier, provides more opportunities, leads to more beneficial relationship arrangements, and helps maintain long-term relationships.
- Everyone has the potential to be more attractive than they currently are.
Tips For Men To Boost Their Attractiveness
- To increase attractiveness, men should consider improving their style of dress, maintaining good physical fitness, and ensuring good hygiene.
- Learning effective communication is crucial for men, as a woman's mind is most receptive to engaging and stimulating conversation.
- Men who can communicate in a way that captures a woman's attention and elicits a response will have greater success in forming various types of relationships.
How Men Should Communicate Effectively
- Men tend to focus on the literal meaning of words, while women often seek to evoke an emotional response in their communication.
- Effective communication involves using precise language while also conveying emotional content, similar to how actors imbue a script with feeling.
- Seduction involves creating a shared, private world between two people, where they establish their own rules and dynamics.
Why You Don’t Need Money To Attract Women
- Many men focus too much on money in the initial attraction phase of dating.
- Money can attract attention, but it is not necessary for attracting women or having sex.
- Using money as an attraction strategy can lead to shallow relationships.
How I Completely Transformed My Life
- Fame, even on a small scale, can be attractive to women.
- A period of self-reflection led to the decision to take responsibility for personal circumstances and make changes.
- Early experiences with attracting women were primarily short-term and did not lead to long-term relationships.
Tips On Keeping A Partner Long-Term
- Attraction is primarily based on fantasy and projection, as individuals fill in the gaps in their knowledge about a potential partner with their own desires.
- Talking too much on a first date can be detrimental, as it can shatter the fantasy that the other person has constructed.
- Transitioning from the initial attraction phase to a long-term relationship involves a gradual process of revealing one's true self, avoiding the pitfalls of constant performance and inauthenticity.
Why A Relationship's First Crisis Is Crucial
- All new relationships must pass through a crisis of disappointment, where one partner betrays the other or small inconsistencies accumulate.
- During this crisis, the fantasy of the relationship is shattered, and individuals begin to see their partners for who they truly are.
- The very traits that initially attracted individuals to their partners often become sources of annoyance later in the relationship.
Why The Top 10% Of Men Are Having The Most Sex
- The top 10% of men are having the most sex in the current dating market. [2978]
- In a free-choice sexual marketplace, women tend to target the top 10% of men, a pattern observed in various animal species and human cultures.
- It is unlikely that men in the top 10% will willingly choose monogamy when they have abundant sexual options, making it a matter of timing rather than finding the "right" woman.
Is A Relationship An Exchange Of Value?
- Relationships are an exchange of value, with "value" encompassing more than just money.
- Value can include things like sex, security, excitement, emotional support, and child rearing.
- Men and women value these things differently, and their valuations can change throughout their lives. [3208]
How Our Communities Have Evolved Over Time
- People used to live in communities with extended family and a variety of relationships, which provided a sense of value and support.
- Modern society often expects romantic partners to fulfill the roles of an entire village and extended family, which is an unrealistic expectation.
- Maintaining both stability and passion in a long-term relationship can be challenging, and couples may need to find ways to introduce novelty and excitement.
Why Absence Can Be A Recipe For Better Sex
- Absence in a relationship can lead to a renewed sense of excitement and interest when couples reunite.
- Historically, relationships benefited from periods of separation between partners, allowing for individual pursuits and reducing the strain of constant interaction.
- Modern technology, particularly cell phones, can hinder the benefits of absence by enabling constant communication and eliminating mystery and uncertainty in relationships.
Is Monogamy Natural? Exploring The Debate
- Humans are likely "monogamish" rather than naturally inclined towards strict monogamy.
- The definition of monogamy, including behaviors considered acceptable or unacceptable within a relationship, should be explicitly defined by the individuals involved.
- Monogamy, from a utilitarian standpoint, can be viewed as advantageous for men as it ensures even the least desirable males in a society with a higher female population have a chance to find a partner.
Is Gold Digging Just Another Transaction?
- Relationships can be viewed as transactions where each person receives something from the interaction.
- Men have a lower threshold for selection in dating compared to women, who generally have more options.
- Women often face unwanted attention and sexualization, making it challenging for them to simply exist in public spaces without being approached.
Why Men Are Terrified Of Women
- Some men are increasingly hesitant to approach women due to concerns about misinterpretations, potential backlash, and the risk of public humiliation, particularly in the context of evolving social norms and heightened awareness surrounding consent.
- A suggestion for men approaching women is to avoid surprising them, instead opting for a calm and non-threatening demeanor, maintaining a comfortable distance, and using clear and open body language.
- The importance of body language in interactions between men and women is emphasized, with a reference to a chapter titled "The Game of Please No" that delves into this topic.
What Really Happens To Beautiful People?
- The fundamental game of human relationships is wanting something from someone and the default answer being no.
- The default answer to requests is no because wanting costs nothing, but giving costs something.
- Relationships are based on the exchange of unequal goods of comparable value.
How To Turn A No Into A Yes
- People can communicate various intentions through facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures, and body language without using words.
- Different strategies, such as intimidation, seduction, victimization, playfulness, friendliness, straightforwardness, and quitting, can be observed in various social settings and are associated with success in negotiation.
- Listening carefully to how a person says "no" can provide clues on how to potentially persuade them to say "yes," similar to the game "hot and cold."
The Biggest Mistakes Men Make When Attracting Women
- Men often overcompensate for nervousness when approaching women, either hesitating too long or coming on too strong.
- It is important to be flexible and adapt your approach based on the woman's response, just as a salesman would tailor their pitch to different customers.
- Instead of using generic greetings or pickup lines, try saying something unexpected to pique her curiosity and create an opportunity for connection.
The Most Effective Pickup Line I’ve Used
- A pickup line that involves revealing that you are trying to get over approach anxiety can be effective as it evokes curiosity and provides a conversational bridge.
- Sharing your present moment emotional experience, such as admitting to feeling anxious, can make you appear more genuine and relatable, allowing others to connect with you.
- Men often struggle with approaching women and may either become withdrawn and awkward or overcompensate by being overly assertive or intoxicated.
How To Handle Interactions With Very Attractive Women
- Men who are not overtly pursuing very attractive women can pique their interest by treating them similarly to others and not singling them out for special attention.
- Asking small, reasonable favors of someone can increase their unconscious attraction as they rationalize their actions.
- Creating a "yes chain" by getting someone to agree to a series of small requests can make them more likely to comply with a larger request later.
Should Women Make The First Move? Here’s How
- Women are generally perceived as being less skilled at approaching men romantically compared to men approaching women.
- Historically, women have typically initiated romantic interest indirectly, using subtle cues and plausible deniability to gauge a man's interest without being overtly forward. [5005]
- Prolonged eye contact can be an intimate and even aggressive signal between strangers, but women can utilize it strategically to express interest and subtly encourage men to approach them.
What Is Love? Understanding This Complex Emotion
- Love is a distinct concept from the transactional nature of relationships, representing a valuable and transformative emotion.
- True instances of loyalty, friendship, and love are considered gifts given freely without expectation of reciprocation.
- Love cannot be bought, earned, or forced, as it is a spontaneous decision made by the individual experiencing it.
The Impact Of Porn On Modern Relationships
- Men who struggle with pornography addiction often experience shame and may avoid showing their faces during video calls when discussing the topic.
- Pornography addiction has significantly altered the dynamics of dating, particularly if one considers the traditional model where men offer resources in exchange for sexual opportunities, and women offer sexual opportunities in exchange for resources.
- The accessibility, safety, and affordability of fulfilling desires through alternative means, such as pornography, may influence individuals to choose those options over traditional relationship models.
The OnlyFans Phenomenon: What It Means For Relationships
Libido, Sex, And The Role Of Pornography
- Pornography can be viewed as problematic or not depending on individual perspectives and societal impacts.
- The consequences of a diminished libido, potentially influenced by readily available pornography, can extend beyond personal relationships and impact societal progress.
- A certain level of sexual desire can be channeled into pro-social behaviors and achievements, and excessive indulgence in pornography might hinder this drive.
How To Change A Man's Behavior For The Better
- Insight alone is insufficient to change behavior; taking action and ceasing the behavior is crucial.
- Understanding the function or need fulfilled by a behavior, such as boredom or reward-seeking, can aid in finding alternative, healthier ways to address those needs.
- The accessibility, affordability, and prevalence of pornography, particularly online, contribute to its potential harm, making it challenging to avoid and potentially hindering recovery from addiction.
Advice For Those Struggling To Find Love
- Men should approach dating like a job and put in significant effort to find a partner.
- Many people desire a loving, secure, and peaceful relationship, but achieving all three is rare and requires substantial effort, similar to finding a fulfilling and high-paying job.
- Men should be persistent in dating, similar to job hunting, and not be discouraged by rejection, treating it as a learning experience and using a scientific approach to improve their chances of success.
How AI Will Change Relationships Forever
- The increasing availability of realistic virtual reality, robotics, and artificial intelligence may make it difficult for some to distinguish between technology and reality, particularly in the context of relationships.
- The ease of connecting with others through social media and dating apps has created a global dating pool, increasing competition and making it more challenging to find satisfaction in relationships.
- Despite the challenges posed by technology and a globalized dating pool, there are still opportunities for individuals to thrive in the dating world by being adaptable, recognizing opportunities, and potentially challenging conventional approaches to dating.
How To Be A Man In 2024: Key Insights
- Men should focus on solving problems in their own lives before trying to solve broader societal issues.
- Men should develop a strong sense of self and stand up for their beliefs, even in the face of adversity.
- Men should be resilient and able to handle criticism and pushback that may come from standing up for their beliefs. [7121]
Is Being Selfish The Key To Happiness?
- People should be more selfish, especially in relationships, and look for partners who accept or enjoy that selfishness.
- Compromise in a relationship can lead to feelings of obligation and debt, as one person may feel they are giving up something they want to make the other happy.
- Having fewer criteria when looking for a partner can lead to greater success in finding a compatible match.
Dr. Orion's Selection Criteria Explained
- The speaker previously had extensive selection criteria for potential partners, seeking someone who shared a wide range of intellectual, spiritual, and physical interests.
- The speaker simplified their selection criteria, focusing on three primary factors: sexual compatibility, physical attractiveness, and a soft femininity that can only be found in a romantic relationship.
- The speaker emphasizes the importance of accepting one's partner for who they are, rather than trying to change them, and allowing them the space to be their authentic selves.
The Most Important Thing We Haven’t Discussed
- People want things from other people, and to have fulfilling relationships, individuals must cultivate desirable qualities to offer.
- Professional relationships are defined by the exchange of money for services, and similarly, romantic relationships involve meeting each other's needs and desires.
- Many relationship issues stem from unmet needs and wants, and focusing on fulfilling those can be more effective than emphasizing communication or compromise.
The Final Question Every Guest Must Answer
- Fear can prevent individuals from forgiving family members, leading to estranged relationships.
- Forgiveness is presented as a personal act of relinquishing anger and resentment, independent of reciprocation from the other party.
- Dr. Orion Terban's work, including his book and YouTube channel, combines scientific knowledge with personal experience to provide insights into relationships and love.