*NEW!* The Gottman Doctors: Affairs Can Save Your Relationship! But If You See This, Walk Away!
16 Sep 2024 (2 days ago)
Intro
- A study of 70,000 people in 24 countries found that the difference between those who report having a great sex life and those who report having an awful sex life is related to something not specified in the text.
- Most people believe that compatibility with a partner is essential, but this is a misconception.
- Research involving women smelling t-shirts worn by men suggests that people are more attracted to those who are genetically different from them.
What Do You Do?
- The first person enjoys connecting with and helping people work through pain.
- The second person enjoys researching what factors contribute to successful relationships and groups, as well as what leads to cooperation versus competition in humans.
- Together, they have conducted research on 40,000 couples and provided couple therapy, with 3,000 of those couples participating in more intensive, long-term studies.
What We Doing Wrong About Dating
- Nearly half of the US population is currently single, with men being more likely to report being single than women.
- The average age for a first marriage has increased, with men marrying around 30 years old and women around 28.
- Many people on dating apps have negative experiences, which may stem from presenting an idealized version of themselves rather than their true selves.
How Do We Find True Love?
- Loneliness is a serious issue, and many people haven't built a supportive network of friends, which is crucial for finding love.
- Research shows that contrary to popular belief, most strangers are open to being approached and respond with interest and enthusiasm.
- Building a strong friendship network is an important prerequisite to dating because it helps alleviate loneliness and desperation, making it easier to find a partner.
What Is The Most Attractive Thing In A Person?
- People are more likely to be perceived as attractive when they are with someone who is curious about them.
- The social context, rather than individual traits, plays a significant role in attraction.
- It is impossible to predict romantic compatibility between two individuals based on measurable characteristics or stated preferences.
The Role Of Self Esteem In How Attractive You Come Across
- Self-perception can be a powerful factor in attraction, potentially even more impactful than superficial changes.
- Approaching dating with curiosity and interest in the other person, rather than self-consciousness, can make the experience more enjoyable and less artificial.
- Meeting someone you truly connect with, an "outlier," can be a wonderful experience that surpasses previous encounters.
There Isn't 'The One'
- There is no single "one" person out there for everyone.
- Every couple, regardless of compatibility, will inevitably have perpetual problems stemming from lifestyle choices, personality differences, or other conflicts.
- It is unrealistic to search for a perfect partner, as everyone has flaws.
Are We Attracted To People Different To Us?
- People are often attracted to individuals who are genetically different from themselves, particularly in terms of their immune systems.
- This attraction to different immune system genes is likely an evolutionary advantage, as it leads to offspring with a broader and more robust immune system.
- This attraction to difference is not limited to personality or interests, as evidenced by studies where women preferred the scent of t-shirts worn by men with dissimilar immune systems.
Do We Need To Lower Our Expectations?
- When seeking a partner, it is more important to consider their behavior than specific qualities.
- It is advisable to observe how a potential partner treats others, particularly those in service roles, to gauge their character.
- Reliability is crucial in a partner, as demonstrated by their ability to follow through on commitments and communicate effectively about any changes.
It's A Red Flag When They Want To Rush Things
- A relationship should not feel rushed, and individuals should be wary of partners who exhibit neediness or a lack of self-sufficiency.
- It is essential to find a partner who is interesting and with whom there is a natural and genuine connection, as opposed to settling for someone out of desperation or external pressures.
- When seeking a partner, approaching the process with an open mind, curiosity, and a sense of self-assurance is crucial, rather than being fixated on finding someone within a specific timeframe or due to societal expectations.
Can You Fake Confidence?
- People who are confident in themselves and view a relationship as a privilege rather than a need are more likely to invest in a relationship.
- Attempting to feign confidence can lead to overcompensation and boasting, which can be off-putting to others.
- While individual traits don't predict romantic compatibility, observing interactions can reveal potential based on factors like openness, emotional connection, communication, tension, relaxation, curiosity, and interest.
Science Know If People Connect Well Or Not
- Couples who are successful and have promised to last will laugh together, mirror each other, smile, ask questions, be open, and be curious about each other.
- Body language can indicate overconfidence, such as leaning back, or engagement, such as leaning forward and making eye contact.
- Openness and curiosity in a relationship are demonstrated through reciprocal conversations where both individuals ask and answer questions, showing interest in each other.
How To Build Confidence
- Confidence is built by understanding that body language is a symptom of internal feelings and not the cause.
- Confidence can be built through therapy or positive self-affirmation.
- Looking at the reality of other people's bodies and not idealized images can help build confidence.
Differences Between Gender In Attraction
- Research suggests that while traditional dating advice claims men prioritize physical beauty and women prioritize wealth and status, a speed dating study found that both men and women primarily valued the enjoyment and ease of the interaction.
- When participants interacted for five minutes in a speed dating setting, the deciding factor for both genders was how enjoyable and fun the interaction was.
- The social context of dating significantly impacts the success of interactions; a relaxed and curious atmosphere is more conducive to positive outcomes than a tense and evaluative one.
Why People Need Alcohol When Dating
- Alcohol consumption can impair judgment, intuition, and reflexes, potentially leading to poor decision-making in dating scenarios.
- Evaluative contexts, such as formal dates or settings that feel like job interviews, can hinder genuine connection and make it difficult to relax and be oneself.
- Individuals in significantly different life stages, particularly regarding career aspirations, family planning, and personal values, may encounter challenges in relationships due to misaligned goals and levels of maturity.
Is 'Good Enough', Enough To Be With Someone?
- People should consider what is "good enough" in a partner and relationship, rather than searching for the "perfect" relationship.
- Important factors to consider in a partner include trust, commitment, shared values (e.g., desire for children, monogamy), a sense of humor, and whether conversations are interesting and engaging.
- It is crucial to assess how a potential partner makes you feel about yourself; ideally, they should make you feel good about who you are, recognize your full humanity, and be someone you find interesting and engaging.
The Role Of Sex In Attraction
- Sexual attraction is a non-negotiable factor in a relationship.
- The importance of sexuality in a relationship varies greatly from person to person.
- A decline in sexual intimacy can be a serious problem in long-term relationships, especially when one person values it more than the other.
How To Spice Things Up
- Long-term relationships can create a conflict between familiarity and excitement, making it challenging to maintain both love and sexual attraction.
- The Coolidge effect suggests that novelty and excitement are crucial for eroticism, contrasting with the security and familiarity associated with long-term love.
- Emotional connection, safety, and affection are essential for a fulfilling sex life, particularly for women, as demonstrated by a large-scale study across 24 countries.
How Much Sex Should We Be Having?
- There is no correlation between the quantity of sex and happiness in a relationship, but quality sex is important.
- Desire for a partner can be affected by the amount of time spent together.
- Spending 90 minutes per week in non-defensive listening with a partner is important for a healthy relationship.
Men Struggle To Talk About Their Feelings
- Men are catching up to women in expressing their feelings, but it is still difficult for them.
- Men and women are socialized differently from a young age, with boys focusing on keeping games going and girls focusing on discussing their feelings.
- Men often have difficulty expressing their emotions due to societal expectations and may try to suppress them.
Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner
- Some people express their feelings by sending songs to their partners.
- A ritual or designated time for important conversations in a relationship can be beneficial.
- Gratitude helps people focus on the positive aspects of their relationships and appreciate their partners.
How To Know If You Should Break Up
- It can be challenging to determine if a relationship is unhealthy and should end, as relationships offer comfort and are difficult to leave.
- Individuals who have not learned healthy relationship skills, such as conflict resolution and vulnerability, may struggle to maintain successful relationships.
- Couples often develop negative patterns in long-term relationships, and while these patterns can be changed with effort and professional guidance, the absence of love, respect, and admiration, replaced by contempt and belittlement, is a significant indicator to consider ending the relationship.
The 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse In A Relationship
- The Four Horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
- Criticism is defined as blaming a problem on a personality flaw of a partner.
- Contempt is looking down on a partner with disgust and criticizing them from a place of superiority.
Insecure People Are More Defensive
- People with fragile self-esteem may experience extreme pain when their flaws are exposed, leading to defensiveness as a way to protect themselves from the agony of self-loathing.
- Stonewalling, characterized by shutting down emotionally and physically during a conflict, is often a response to feeling overwhelmed and attacked, leading to a rapid heart rate and the release of stress hormones.
- Research suggests that gay and lesbian couples tend to be less defensive, more humorous, gentler in their communication, and less possessive compared to heterosexual couples, contributing to a greater sense of equality in their relationships.
Do Homosexuals Relationships Last Longer?
- There is no data available on whether homosexual relationships last longer than heterosexual relationships.
- Due to historical stigmatization and prejudice, homosexual individuals have developed a strong sense of community for support.
- Research indicates that relationships with strong community support tend to be more successful.
Gaslighting
- Gaslighting, a term frequently used in discussions about abusive relationships, involves a perpetrator manipulating a victim's perception of reality.
- An example of gaslighting includes hiding a partner's belongings and then denying involvement, leading the victim to question their sanity.
- Gaslighting can be used as a tool to control and isolate victims, often stemming from extreme jealousy.
Why People Stay With Gaslighter Or Abusers
- Victims of abuse often have their confidence eroded, leading them to doubt their judgment and believe they cannot survive independently.
- Abusers may exhibit remorse, promise change, and express love, leading the victim to hope for improvement.
- Narcissistic personality disorder, characterized by extreme narcissism, lack of empathy, and absence of conscience, differs from the instinct of self-preservation.
How To Help People Going Through Domestic Violence
- There are two types of domestic violence: characterological domestic violence and situational domestic violence.
- Characterological domestic violence involves a clear perpetrator and victim, with the victim needing to escape the relationship for safety.
- Situational domestic violence, making up 80% of cases, involves violence from both parties, typically less severe, stemming from heightened emotional states during conflict.
Treating Affairs
- Affairs can be treated with a 75% success rate in research.
- Affairs can involve emotional connections, physical intimacy, or both, but always involve deception and broken trust within a monogamous agreement.
- Affairs can shatter the foundation of a relationship, calling into question shared values, trust, and the identity of the involved individuals, impacting various aspects of life built around the relationship.
What Percentage Of People Have Affairs?
- It is estimated that approximately 30% of all couples experience infidelity, with the rate of women having affairs rising to match that of men since the women's liberation movement of the 1970s.
- The increase in women having affairs is attributed to their increased presence in the workforce, leading to greater independence and access to potential partners.
- Affairs are often not solely about seeking more sex but can stem from feelings of loneliness and a desire for emotional connection outside of the relationship.
Does Cheating Help A Relationship?
- Relationships can be improved after infidelity with professional help, leading to increased intimacy and a different type of trust.
- Infidelity is often preceded by a pattern of conflict avoidance in the relationship, where partners discuss their issues with others instead of each other.
- Strong relationships can contribute to longevity, better health, and provide a supportive environment for raising children.
The Importance Of Connection
- Couples who stayed married responded to their partner's bids for connection 86% of the time, while couples who divorced only responded 33% of the time.
- Turning towards a bid for connection does not have to be physical, but rather is about acknowledging your partner's desire for attention.
- Increasing how often couples turn towards each other can lead to a greater sense of humor during conflict, which can reduce physiological arousal.