Elizabeth Gilbert — How to Set Strong Boundaries, Overcome Purpose Anxiety, & Find Your Inner Voice

Abandoning Projects

• People often abandon projects when a newer, more exciting idea emerges. (47s)
• It is suggested that individuals should only abandon a project if they have a history of completing projects. (1m12s)

Elizabeth Gilbert's Philosophy

• Elizabeth Gilbert aspires to live by the principles outlined in "The Celtic Poem of Approach," particularly the idea of having "no cherished outcome" in friendships. (4m54s)
• Gilbert describes herself as flaky in her personal life but clear in her professional life. (1h16m0s)

Personal Responsibility and Solitude

• The speaker attributes an improvement in taking personal responsibility and avoiding placing expectations on others to their five-year period of being intentionally single and celibate. (7m5s)
• The speaker finds solitude allows them to recognize their moods as internal fluctuations unrelated to external factors, unlike in romantic relationships where they tended to attribute their emotional state to their partner. (8m7s)

Navigating Relationships

• The speaker acknowledges the difficulty of maintaining a balanced emotional state when navigating the complexities of human relationships, comparing the introduction of another person's "mechanism" to their own internal system. (12m3s)
• The speaker states that they have stopped responding to some people in their life because those people consume more energy than they contribute. (49m21s)

Spiritual Beliefs

• The speaker believes in a "magnificent, complex, amused God" who has given them very little power and control, but they believe it is important to use the agency they do have well. (12m33s)
• The speaker grew up going to a "nice little mellow New England Church" but didn't have much of a spiritual upbringing. (14m4s)

Two-Way Prayer

• A practice similar to the one described, where a person writes a letter to themselves using the words they most need to hear, is common in 12-step recovery programs and is called "two-way prayer". (22m10s)
• Two-way prayer differs from traditional, one-way prayer as it involves listening for a response rather than solely making requests. (22m40s)

Practicing Two-Way Prayer

• It is suggested to begin the practice in a quiet place and read something considered holy, such as poetry, to establish a connection. (23m40s)
• Two-way prayer involves posing a single question, such as "Dear love, what would you have me know today?" and then listening for a response. (25m8s)

Response in Two-Way Prayer

• The first response in two-way prayer should be an endearment, such as "my love," "my child," or "honey." (25m25s)
• Writing to oneself from a kinder voice, even if it feels artificial, can be a life-changing experience. (27m43s)

AR Cooper's Story

• AR Cooper, who grew up in a challenging environment on the south side of Chicago, found a passion for rowing in high school and has since become an ambassador for the sport, teaching it globally. (30m52s)
• Cooper's "letter from love," shared on the speaker's Substack, is particularly moving as it addresses his younger self who witnessed significant violence at a young age. (31m43s)

Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy

• Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, described as "group therapy for one," involves recognizing and facilitating dialogue between different "parts" of oneself, such as "protectors" and "exiles," to promote healing and self-understanding. (33m44s)
• Setting a 30-minute timer to check in with oneself and assess feelings and honesty in situations, such as declining unwanted invitations, is a helpful practice for fostering self-friendliness. (42m34s)

The Dalai Lama on Self-Hatred

• Sharon Salzberg, a meditation teacher, once recounted a story about meeting the Dalai Lama on his first trip to the West. (36m31s)
• When asked about self-hatred, the Dalai Lama was initially confused because the concept was unfamiliar to him. (37m22s)

Addressing Self-Hatred

• The Dalai Lama was disturbed to learn that self-hatred was a common problem in the West and made addressing it a key part of his teachings. (38m31s)
• People are writing letters to themselves from the perspective of love, often feeling a collective force of love from ancestors, spirits, and guides. (1h49m12s)

Prioritizing Well-being and Boundaries

• Prioritizing well-being and establishing firm boundaries, even with close family members, is crucial, as exemplified by Rachel Cargle, who prioritizes her well-being by limiting contact with individuals, including family members, who negatively impact her. (46m11s)
• Communicating boundaries can involve honest and direct conversations, prioritizing personal well-being and serenity over maintaining relationships that consistently lead to emotional dysregulation. (47m24s)

Self-Care and Emotional Regulation

• If feeling disregulated, the speaker states that they remove themselves from situations and will go get well. (47m48s)
• The speaker states that they prefer to spend holidays alone because it is a quiet time and they enjoy their own company. (51m20s)

Shaving Her Head

• The speaker had a desire to shave her head for many years but was hesitant due to societal expectations and her public image. (53m35s)
• After attending an event in New York City and observing a double standard regarding aging and appearance between men and women, the speaker decided to shave her head. (54m12s)

Liberation and Freedom

• The speaker finds liberation and freedom in her decision to shave her head, comparing her current self to a "bog witch" and highlighting the lack of representation for women who defy societal norms. (56m41s)
• It is suggested to consider the possibility of being loved and lovable, and to experiment with self-love as you would try on a new pair of boots. (1h54m28s)

Relaxation and Mysticism

• To be relaxed, one must focus on boundaries, priorities, and mysticism. (1h1m23s)
• Mysticism, achieved through prayer, meditation, and connecting with love, is crucial for achieving a relaxed nervous system. (1h3m20s)

Prioritizing for Women

• Women, often expected to prioritize everyone and everything, are encouraged to identify and focus on their top four or five priorities. (1h1m57s)
• There is a belief that a larger power is orchestrating things, so individuals do not need to be involved in all the details. (1h4m41s)

Deep Relaxation

• Deep relaxation can come from the understanding that reality might not be what it seems, as suggested by both mystics and physicists. (1h6m25s)
• Life is perceived as scarier than death, with a preference for the altered states experienced through psychedelics over physical embodiment. (1h44m24s)

Shifting Perspective

• Rather than focusing on "what do I want," a better question might be "what would you have me know, love?". (1h10m9s)
• Instead of asking "why," asking questions that begin with "how," such as "How do you want me to move through this?" or "What do you want me to do next?", can provide clear instructions. (1h27m34s)

Starting and Finishing Projects

• (1h10m35s) Starting a project can be nebulous and lead in various directions.
• (1h10m46s) Choosing projects requires a disciplined approach.
• (1h10m51s) People often get stuck when they receive inspiration, which feels like an idea coming to them.
• (1h11m36s) Inspiration can feel like an assignment or challenge, but distractions can occur similar to meditation.
• (1h12m0s) New ideas can seem more interesting than ongoing projects, leading to a cycle of starting and abandoning projects.
• (1h12m39s) Permission to quit a project is given only if there is a proven track record of finishing projects.
• (1h12m54s) Having multiple unfinished projects indicates a problem.
• (1h13m2s) The speaker experiences similar distractions but knows abandoning a project for a new idea leads to never completing anything.
• (1h13m51s) When unsure which idea to pursue, a "team meeting" is held where ideas must make proposals.
• (1h14m20s) Many ideas disappear when challenged, while well-thought-out ideas remain.
• (1h14m46s) A disciplined approach is maintained, not allowing ideas to push around.
• (1h14m55s) Quoting Lord Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, the key mission is to separate opportunities to be seized from temptations to be resisted.
• (1h15m20s) With a track record of finishing things, sometimes switching plans mid-project is considered if the current project is not meeting expectations.
• Gilbert's projects are research-driven and can take 3-4 years to complete; she spends considerable time thinking about a project before starting it. (1h16m15s)

Creative Process and Higher Power

• Gilbert experiences a sense of pleasure and mandate in her work, likening the creative process to meditation and describing a higher power that provides support and sets boundaries. (1h18m3s)
• Instructions were received that the speaker was needed for a specific task and would be notified if that changed. (1h21m12s)
• The speaker experienced a period of time without creative ideas, but was told they would be notified when there was something for them to work on. (1h21m49s)

The Artist's Way and "Eat Pray Love"

• The speaker participated in Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way program and found that the word "Italian" appeared repeatedly in their writing, leading them to take Italian classes and eventually travel to Italy, which inspired their book "Eat Pray Love". (1h23m22s)
• Questions that begin with "why" will not be answered, similar to how an adult would respond to a toddler's repeated "why" questions. (1h26m55s)

Purpose Anxiety

• Purpose anxiety stems from the belief that everyone is born with a unique purpose that they must discover, master, monetize, and leave as a legacy, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and never feeling like enough. (1h29m5s)
• People read about historical figures like Alexander the Great and Genghis Khan to learn about legacy, but no one remembers everything about them. (1h33m16s)

Finding Purpose

• A story is recounted about a conversation overheard at Omega Institute in Upstate New York, where a woman describes herself as "busy being non" when asked if she has found a new job. (1h34m6s)
• Another story is recounted about holding a ladder steady for a man painting an awning in Venice Beach, California, for 45 minutes without him noticing, and reflecting on the possibility that this small act of kindness was the purpose of the speaker's life. (1h35m26s)

The Gift of Presence

• The most important gift to give oneself and the world is presence. (1h38m14s)
• Taking one day a week away from one's phone allows for more moments of presence. (1h38m59s)

Fear of Dislike and Death

• The speaker is more afraid of people disliking them than they are of death. (1h41m21s)
• Social media is likened to an addictive substance that is no longer enjoyable, prompting a search for alternative platforms for connection and dialogue. (1h44m50s)

Substack and Combating Self-Hatred

• A weekly newsletter on Substack, elizabethgilbert.substack.com, provides a space for combating self-hatred and perfectionism through personal letters written from a place of love, featuring guest contributions from individuals like Tony Colette, Glennon Doyle, and others encountered in life. (1h46m50s)
• There is an online community forming around these letters of self-love where people are offering each other kindness and support. (1h50m18s)

Links and Encouragement

• Links to Elizabeth Gilbert's Substack, which can be found at elizabethgilbert.substack.com, and her podcast will be included in the show notes. (1h55m6s)
• Listeners are encouraged to be kind to themselves and others. (1h55m16s)
• Gratitude is expressed to the listeners for watching. (1h55m22s)