Entre el compromiso y el deseo | Tere Díaz | TEDxUniversidadPanamericanaGuadalajara

Marriage, Desire, and the Dilemma of Fidelity

• Marriage often involves committing to the person one loves, but desire does not necessarily commit to anyone (21s).
• A 26-year marriage that lasted 32 years in total, including six years of dating, was marked by many good years of real love and relationship, but eventually, restlessness and nervousness led to questions about fidelity and the possibility of opening up to erotic experiences (1m10s).
• The dilemma arises from wanting to be faithful to the existing relationship while also exploring new experiences, which can put the relationship at risk and potentially lead to betrayal (1m51s).
• French philosopher Gilles Deleuze suggests that humans are "máquinas deseantes" (desiring machines), and desire is a source of motivation, creation, and life, which can produce more desire (2m20s).

The Nature of Erotic Desire and Human Attachment

• The erotic desire is a search for pleasure, and as a bodily experience, it can provide one of the greatest pleasures, which is orgasm, but it can also be capricious, irreverent, insatiable, and contradictory (2m39s).
• Many people have experienced deep love for someone while also feeling attracted to someone else, which can lead to difficulties in closing a past love or navigating a new relationship (3m9s).
• Biologist and anthropologist Helen Fisher explains that humans have three brain systems: one for long-term attachment, one for intense romantic feelings, and one for physical attraction, which can sometimes align and direct towards one person, but not always (4m13s).
• Fisher also suggests that humans are made to fall in love, but not necessarily to live with the same person for their entire lives, and that monogamy may not be a natural aspect of human nature (5m13s).
• Most people choose to be monogamous and sustain that decision, but monogamy understood as sexual exclusivity is more than a natural thing, it's an obligation and an agreement that people choose because it adds value to their lives, not because it takes away from them (6m4s).

The Prevalence and Impact of Infidelity

• Many people visit the consultorio because they are satisfied with their life partner but feel attracted to someone else, causing them to feel inquietos and distraídos (6m34s).
• Others visit the consultorio after discovering their partner's infidelity, while some come because they are about to be unfaithful and are filled with fear and guilt (6m50s).
• Adult children also visit the consultorio after catching their parents in an affair, leading to a breakdown in their relationship with their parents (6m54s).
• According to statistics, between 65% and 80% of men in Western countries have had an extramarital experience at some point, while 40-45% of women have also had such experiences (7m31s).
• Despite this, 95% of people get married or enter into a partnership with a monogamy agreement, which often leads to incongruence and hypocrisy (7m45s).
• Infidelity is a frequent and uncomfortable visitor in many relationships, causing pain, trauma, and long-lasting effects (8m21s).

The Trauma and Oversimplification of Infidelity

• The discovery of infidelity can lead to trauma, causing people to become wary of love and relationships (8m40s).
• The conversation around infidelity often oversimplifies the issue, portraying one person as the victim and the other as the villain, rather than exploring the complexities of the situation (9m7s).
• This oversimplification can lead to moralistic judgments and a lack of understanding, rather than a nuanced exploration of the issues at hand (9m19s).

Infidelity as a Symptom of Deeper Issues

• In some cases, infidelity can be a symptom of deeper issues, such as abuse or neglect, which are often minimized or excused (10m3s).
• An example of this is a consultante who was in a violent relationship and was told to quit her job and rely on her partner financially, highlighting the ways in which abuse can be normalized and excused (10m15s).
• A woman's business partner failed to pay her, took away her card, and she had to ask for small amounts of money daily, which led to a therapeutic process of recognizing and naming the violence, until the partner finally acknowledged the issue (10m56s).
• Some cases of infidelity involve abuse, lack of boundaries, and disregard for agreements, which are unforgivable and can be considered a form of violence or abuse (11m30s).

The Complexity and Ambivalence of Infidelity

• Not all cases of infidelity are the same, and some can be understood as a result of complexity, ambivalence, and contradiction, rather than a deliberate attempt to harm the other person (13m39s).
• A young couple, about to get married, came to therapy after the woman discovered the man's infidelity; the man explained that he had never been with anyone else and didn't regret the experience, but was sorry for hurting his partner (14m5s).
• The couple continued therapy and eventually got married, with the woman forgiving the man's infidelity, which occurred during a process of transition and stress (14m50s).

The Dehumanizing Nature of Infidelity and the Difficulty of Forgiveness

• The woman ultimately understood and forgave her partner's infidelity, but struggled to understand why he and his friends would talk about women in a derogatory manner in their chats (14m57s).
• When people cheat, they often express themselves in a way that reduces their partner to an object, not a subject, which is a difficult thing to forgive because it's a dehumanizing experience (15m28s).
• Discovering infidelity is always perturbing, sad, and traumatic, especially when the cheater provides detailed confessions, which can be unbearable to hear (15m51s).

Coping with the Discovery of Infidelity

• It's essential to ask questions that one can tolerate hearing, and the experience of discovering infidelity can be compared to finding out that Santa Claus doesn't exist, which can be a traumatic experience, especially for children (16m7s).
• However, just like one can recover from the loss of belief in Santa Claus and still enjoy Christmas, it's possible to recover from infidelity and continue with life, especially if there's a commitment to the relationship (16m37s).
• To move forward, it's crucial to first get out of the shock, not to alert others, and not to post about it on social media (16m59s).
• The next step is to clarify and ask questions, but it's essential to be sincere and sensible, as seen in the movie "Closer," where the characters ask questions that ultimately lead to more harm (17m9s).

Rebuilding Trust and Moving Forward After Infidelity

• If the infidelity is a way out of the relationship, it's best to end it, but if there's a commitment, it's necessary to enter a process to regain trust, broaden the perspective of what happened, and find the motivation behind the infidelity (17m31s).
• To regain trust, it's essential to talk less about the infidelity and more about the relationship, desires, and unfulfilled dreams, as the couple may not have opened up about these issues before (17m53s).
• If forgiveness is not possible, it may be necessary to seek therapy or end the relationship, as it's not healthy to hold onto resentment and not forgive (18m1s).
• The process of regaining trust is like a bowl that needs to be cleaned, and both partners need to deposit "clean water" into the relationship to make it transparent again and continue with life (18m21s).
• Forgiveness is necessary, but it should be realistic, and it may take time to work through the issues and regain trust, during which time, the partner who cheated may be in a secondary place of trust (18m55s).

The Role of Personal Growth and Professional Help

• Immature and rigid individuals struggle with the process of understanding love, living in a relationship, and healing from infidelity because they seek quick answers and tangible certainties, which is impossible (19m31s).
• To navigate relationships and overcome challenges, personal growth and professional help are often necessary, but one cannot stay in a relationship solely out of dependence, convenience, or fear (19m49s).

Fidelity, Exclusivity, and the Dimensions of Faithfulness

• Fidelity and sexual exclusivity are not the same, and some people may agree to non-exclusive relationships while remaining faithful, while others may be sexually exclusive but unfaithful (20m16s).
• No loving relationship can exist without fidelity, but the question remains: what are we faithful to - the past, the present, or the future (20m31s).
• We can be faithful to the past by honoring the history and memories we've built with our partner, to the present by being true to our desires, interests, and values, and to the future by acknowledging that our love will always be a part of us (20m38s).

Mature Love, Acceptance, and the Balance of Desires

• Adult love often leaves us feeling unsatisfied, but it's possible to love in a mature and true way by embracing the complexities and contradictions of relationships (21m36s).
• According to the French philosopher Comtes PbIl, a key aspect of loving someone is accepting them for who they are, rather than trying to fit them into our idealized expectations (22m14s).
• Ultimately, we are built to love, and it's essential to find a balance between our desires and the reality of our relationships (22m7s).