Rethinking Traditional Parenting: Embracing Transcendental Approaches | Dean Mejos | TEDxADMU

Traditional vs. Modern Parenting

• The speaker defines "traditional parenting" as a style that emphasizes strict rules, obedience, and high expectations, often enforced through punishment. This style is associated with artifacts like belts, slippers, and hangers, and is often seen as outdated or "old-fashioned."
• The speaker contrasts traditional parenting with "modern parenting," which prioritizes freedom, creativity, and the feelings of children. This style is often associated with devices like iPads and lollipops, which represent instant gratification and a focus on positive reinforcement.
• The speaker acknowledges that both traditional and modern parenting styles can have drawbacks, with traditional parenting potentially leading to fear and resentment, and modern parenting potentially leading to spoiled children.
• The speaker uses his own experience as a child and now as a father to illustrate the potential challenges of both parenting styles.
• The speaker criticizes the common practice of parents indulging their children's every whim, arguing that it is not beneficial for the child's development.
• He acknowledges the pressure parents face from grandparents who often spoil their grandchildren, creating a conflict between the parents' desire to raise their children in a specific way and their desire to avoid offending their parents.
• The speaker also addresses the fear some parents have of disciplining their children, believing it will damage their spirit or make the children dislike them. He argues that this fear is unfounded and that children actually benefit from guidance and direction.
• He advocates for a parenting style he calls "authoritative parenting," which balances authority with support and guidance. This approach challenges children to do difficult things, fostering their growth and development.

Parenting as a Gift

• The speaker then introduces the concept of parenting as a gift, suggesting that the gift is not the act of becoming a parent itself, but rather the child's arrival. He argues that the child, through their existence, bestows the gift of parenthood upon the parents.
• Dean Mejos argues that parenthood is a gift, not something earned or deserved. He compares it to receiving a surprise gift, which can evoke both unease and joy.
• He emphasizes that this gift transcends time, meaning it's not a one-time event but a continuous process.
• Mejos suggests that the best response to this gift is love and responsibility. He defines love as "pagmamahal" in Filipino, which translates to valuing and increasing the worth of the beloved.
• He explains that loving parents prioritize the well-being of their children and are committed to adapting to their changing needs.
• Mejos defines responsibility as "pananagutan" in Filipino, which means answering to someone. He argues that taking responsibility for a child is a commitment to their well-being.

The Challenges of Parenting

• Parenting is a noble responsibility, but it is also a difficult and risky task.
• Parents need help from others, including family, friends, and even professionals, to raise their children well.
• The world outside the family should support parents and help them carry out their duties.
• Parents face challenges when the world tries to raise their children differently than they want to.

Unconditional Love and Responsibility

• Dean Mejos encourages parents to abandon the idea of reciprocity and embrace unconditional love.
• He argues that parents should not expect rewards or recognition for their efforts, but instead focus on doing what is best for their children.
• Reciprocity can be intoxicating and addictive, and parents should avoid using their children for self-gratification or self-affirmation.
• Parents should focus on loving their children unconditionally, even if they don't receive anything in return.

The Nature of Unconditional Love

• Unconditional Love: The speaker emphasizes that parental love is often described as unconditional, meaning parents love their children regardless of whether they are loved in return. This is illustrated by the biblical story of the Prodigal Son, where the father welcomes his son back despite his actions.
• Loving Under Any Condition: The speaker expands on the concept of unconditional love, suggesting it also means loving under any condition. This implies that parents should love their children even when they are difficult or challenging.
• Gratitude, Not Debt: While children do not owe their parents love by default, the speaker argues that it is good for them to respond lovingly out of gratitude for the gifts their parents have given them.

The Importance of Being Good

• Parents as Exemplars: The speaker believes that parents should be exemplars of love and responsibility in the home. He emphasizes that we learn how to be and how to love from others.
• The Value of Being Good: The speaker quotes his advisor, Dr. Leina Garcia, who emphasizes the importance of being good simply because it is good. This applies to both parents and children.
• No Perfect Parents: The speaker acknowledges that there are no perfect parents, but emphasizes that parents who have their children's best interests at heart will strive to help them grow and flourish.