Dr. Martha Beck: Accessing Your Best Self With Mind-Body Practices, Belief Testing & Imagination

The Huberman Lab Podcast with Dr. Martha Beck

• This episode of the Huberman Lab podcast features Dr. Martha Beck, a renowned expert in personal development.
• Dr. Beck discusses practices that help individuals understand their core values and pursue their life's purpose.
• The episode explores how to frame thoughts and emotions around various topics, including challenges and goals.
• Dr. Beck introduces the concept of the "essential self," which represents the unique and deeply rooted desires that drive individual fulfillment.
• The podcast also highlights the importance of therapy and quality sleep for overall well-being.
• The episode is sponsored by Better Help, Helix Sleep, and Element.

Dr. Andrew Huberman's Insights

• Dr. Andrew Huberman emphasizes the importance of proper hydration and electrolyte balance for optimal cognitive and physical performance. He recommends using Element electrolyte drink mix, which he personally uses twice a day.
• Dr. Huberman expresses his admiration for Dr. Martha Beck, highlighting her pioneering work in the mind-body connection and her impactful practices.
• Dr. Huberman shares his experience with Dr. Beck's "Perfect Day" exercise, where one imagines their ideal day in detail. He found that several aspects of his imagined day later manifested in reality.
• Dr. Huberman expresses his excitement about the conversation and his appreciation for Dr. Beck's work.

The "Perfect Day" Exercise

• Dr. Beck explains that the "Perfect Day" exercise involves taking 10-30 minutes to visualize a perfect day without limitations. She suggests that the brain, being a predictive machine, may unconsciously seek avenues to make the imagined day a reality.
• Dr. Martha Beck emphasizes the importance of being well-rested before engaging in mind-body practices.
• She suggests starting the practice by waking up in the morning and listening to the sounds around you, without opening your eyes.
• She encourages listeners to imagine a perfect day in their ideal life, focusing on the details of their surroundings, including the sounds, smells, and temperature.
• Dr. Beck suggests imagining a partner, a dog (possibly a Bulldog named Costello), and the specific details of their ideal home.
• She emphasizes that this practice is not about creating a fantasy but about allowing the ideal life to emerge naturally through imagination.
• Dr. Beck encourages listeners to imagine a typical day in their perfect life, allowing the time frame for achieving it to become shorter.

The Importance of Clear Eyes

• The speaker describes a painting of a woman crawling in a field, suggesting that the woman is choosing to move with her own agency and enjoy nature.
• The speaker encourages the listener to imagine waking up in the Metropolitan Museum of Art and creating a theme for themselves, which is to "go out as myself" and strive for things for the joy of it.
• The speaker then guides the listener to imagine being in a small town in the mountains, surrounded by nature.
• The speaker emphasizes the importance of having clear eyes, which they associate with being alert but calm and having a sense of clarity and presence.
• The speaker mentions that this state of clear eyes is similar to what is observed in people who are dying or ill, where there is a radiance coming from their eyes.
• The speaker connects this concept to the Buddhist idea of having eyes that are at the level of the skin, indicating a state of presence and awareness.
• The speaker also mentions the connection between the visual system and the autonomic nervous system, suggesting that clear eyes are a sign of a balanced and calm state.

Gender Differences and Societal Conditioning

• The speaker concludes by referencing Liz Gilbert's experience of dressing as a man for a week, highlighting the importance of exploring different aspects of ourselves and challenging our perceptions.
• Liz Gilbert, a well-known author, experimented with dressing as a man, including faking a beard. She was instructed to pull her eyes back six inches, which she described as a dimming of her soul and a feeling of loneliness.
• Martha Beck, the speaker, believes that this experience highlights a potential difference in how men and women engage with the world, with men being taught to "pull back" their vitality and women being more outwardly expressive.
• Martha Beck suggests that this difference might be due to societal conditioning, and she plans to explore this further by asking people about their experiences.
• Martha Beck acknowledges that she herself has had to "pull back" in certain environments, particularly in the Ivy League, where she felt the need to suppress her natural expressiveness.

Martha Beck's Attention Style and Self-Reflection Exercises

• Martha Beck describes her own attention style as "interest-based," which she attributes to ADHD. She explains that this means she is easily distracted by things that interest her, but she is able to manage this by using a combination of paper and pen and the conversational nature of podcasting.
• Martha Beck encourages listeners to engage in a self-reflection exercise by looking in the mirror and observing their own presence and clarity.
• Martha Beck then suggests a second exercise involving visualizing one's ideal wardrobe, which she describes as a way to connect with one's ideal self.

The "Three Ends" Exercise

• The speaker describes their ideal day, starting with their morning routine, which includes getting dressed in comfortable clothes and visiting their closet, which they find comforting.
• They mention keeping photographs of their sister and grandfather in their closet.
• The speaker emphasizes the importance of "the three ends" in this exercise, which involves noticing what comes into the field of imagination, narrowing down what it might be, and naming it if possible.
• They share an example of how this exercise helped them discover their ideal career as a magazine columnist, even though they hadn't consciously named it before.
• The speaker then describes their ideal work, which involves reading, teaching, and podcasting.
• They also mention a flash of wanting to work on fish tanks with their children, which leads them to explore the idea of having a family.
• The speaker expresses their desire to have children and their enjoyment of setting up fish tanks for others.
• They acknowledge that the exercise encourages them to let go of logical constraints and embrace their imagination, even if it involves having a large number of children.
• The speaker concludes by stating that they are very close to experiencing their ideal day, which involves sharing their knowledge and practices with others.

Conscious Decisions and Miracles

• Dr. Martha Beck emphasizes the importance of making conscious decisions that align with your desired outcome, comparing it to a branching path where each choice leads you closer to your "target."
• She highlights the role of "miracles" in achieving goals, emphasizing that sometimes unexpected events can contribute to success.

AG1 and Nutritional Safety Net

• Dr. Beck discusses her experience with AG1, a nutritional supplement she has taken for over 10 years, and its benefits for overall well-being.
• She emphasizes the importance of consuming unprocessed or minimally processed foods, but acknowledges that AG1 provides a nutritional safety net by ensuring she receives essential vitamins, minerals, probiotics, and adaptogens.

The "Perfect Day" Practice and Addressing Dissatisfaction

• Dr. Beck shares her personal experience with a persistent feeling of unease, despite having a seemingly successful life, which ultimately led her to develop the "perfect day" practice.
• She describes this practice as a way to identify and address underlying dissatisfaction, even when external circumstances appear positive.
• Dr. Beck concludes by stating that her life has significantly changed since adopting this practice, and she believes it has been instrumental in her personal and professional growth.

Trusting Intuition and Embracing Uniqueness

• Dr. Martha Beck shares a personal story about her experience when her second child was prenatally diagnosed with Down syndrome.
• She was faced with a difficult decision and felt immense pressure from medical professionals to terminate the pregnancy.
• She describes a moment of clarity where she realized that the doctor's fear of her son stemmed from his own fear of being "stupid."
• This experience led her to make a decision based on her own intuition and not societal pressure.
• Dr. Beck believes that this moment was a turning point where she accessed her subconscious and made a decision from a deeper place within herself.
• She emphasizes that our lives are not meant to be cookie-cutter and that we all have a unique destiny.
• She suggests that we are born with an innate sense of self, but societal pressures often lead us to suppress our true nature.
• Dr. Beck believes that achieving personal fulfillment requires aligning our actions with our true selves, rather than conforming to societal expectations.

Aligning with the "Essential Self"

• The speaker, Dr. Martha Beck, shares her personal experience of transitioning from animal research to human research. She realized that her unconscious was pulling her away from animal research because it felt "not good."
• Dr. Beck highlights the importance of aligning with one's "essential self" and uses Rick Rubin, a famous music producer, as an example. Rick Rubin has incredible powers of observation and can feel the energy of others, but he doesn't get absorbed by it. He maintains a sense of self and doesn't engage in activities like drinking or drug use.
• Dr. Beck emphasizes the importance of experiencing life fully while maintaining a sense of self. She believes that the ability to move back and forth between feeling and thinking is crucial for a fulfilling life.

The "Wild Thing" Exercise

• Dr. Beck introduces an exercise where individuals imagine the part of themselves that engages in a bad habit as a "wild thing" in their left hand and the part that wants to stop the habit in their right hand. By wishing both parts well, individuals can develop compassion for both sides of themselves.
• This exercise helps individuals access a compassionate witness within themselves, which is neither thinking nor feeling in a way that causes disturbance. This compassionate witness is still, peaceful, and compassionate, representing the ultimate parent within.

The "Self" and Internal Family Systems Theory

• Dr. Martha Beck discusses the concept of "Self" with a capital "S" as described by Richard Schwartz, the creator of Internal Family Systems theory.
• Schwartz believes that everyone has different "parts" within them, and that there is a core "Self" that is unified and compassionate.
• Dr. Beck emphasizes the importance of accessing this "Self" to avoid being swept away by emotions and to maintain a sense of grounding.
• She describes her own practice of using suffering as a signal to reconnect with her "Self."
• Dr. Beck explains that when she experiences discomfort, tension, anxiety, or anger, she uses these sensations as a cue to shift back to her "Self."
• She uses physical practices like sitting back, straightening her spine, and taking deep breaths to facilitate this shift.
• Dr. Beck believes that through repeated practice, she has created a strong neural pathway that allows her to quickly access her "Self" whenever she needs to.
• She describes this experience as "coming home" and emphasizes that being in this state of "Self" is the key to having a fulfilling and enjoyable life.

Self-Compassion and Inner Child Work

• K.I.T. stands for Kind Internal Self-Talk. This means being kind to yourself in your thoughts and words.
• Allow yourself to feel your emotions fully without judgment. This means acknowledging and accepting your feelings, even if they are unpleasant.
• Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and care. This involves actively working as your own caregiver, offering yourself comfort and support.
• Self-compassion is essential for developing compassion for others. When you are kind to yourself, you are more likely to be kind to others.
• Inner child work is important, but we also have "inner adults" who need attention. Our childhood experiences shape our neural pathways, which we continue to use in adulthood.
• True "humaning" involves a state of self-compassion and a desire to alleviate suffering. This is a state of being where we naturally want to help others and the world.
• Self-love and compassion are the foundation for being our best selves for others. This is the only part of us that is truly real and enduring.

The Metaphysical Self and Transcending Physical Limitations

• The self is metaphysical and transcends the physical body. This is evident in the radiance that often appears in the eyes of people who are dying, as well as in young children.
• We can access this true self by letting go of our attachments to the material world. This is a process of "dying before we die" and realizing that the self is not bound by physical limitations.

Bridging Different Aspects of Ourselves

• Dr. Martha Beck believes that a fulfilling life involves bridging different aspects of ourselves and recognizing the overlap between them.
• She emphasizes that our true self is the only part of us that is real, while other aspects are conditioned and impermanent.
• Dr. Beck draws a parallel to Plato's cave analogy, suggesting that we often mistake shadows for reality, and that there is a deeper, more authentic experience beyond our physical selves.
• She highlights the growing acceptance of practices like breathwork, psychedelics, and meditation, which were once considered fringe but are now being studied scientifically.
• Dr. Beck emphasizes that these practices can alter our conscious experience and promote neuroplasticity, leading to a deeper understanding of ourselves.

A Three-Step Process for Accessing Our True Self

• Dr. Beck outlines a three-step process for accessing our true self:
  • Step 1: Suffering: Acknowledging and accepting our suffering without resistance.
  • Step 2: Compassionate Attention: Paying attention to our suffering with compassion and without judgment.
  • Step 3: Centering in Compassion: Following the natural flow of compassion towards our suffering until we find ourselves centered within it.
• Dr. Beck emphasizes that this process can lead to a profound sense of peace and acceptance, even in the midst of suffering.

Suffering as a Catalyst for Personal Growth

• Dr. Martha Beck emphasizes the importance of suffering as a catalyst for personal growth. She suggests a four-step process: 1) experience suffering, 2) pay attention to it, 3) follow compassion to its origin, and 4) continue this process consistently.

Discerning Truth and the Wisdom of the Body

• The conversation explores the complexities of discerning truth and reality, particularly in the face of conflicting messages and internal narratives.
• Dr. Beck highlights the role of the body in discerning truth. She emphasizes that the body's response to truth or falsehood is more subtle and sophisticated than intellectual knowledge.
• Dr. Beck shares her personal experience of using her body's response to truth to make important decisions, including the decision to keep her son.
• She advocates for trusting the body's wisdom and using it as a guide to navigate life's complexities.

Finding Truths that Resonate with Both Body and Logic

• Dr. Martha Beck emphasizes the importance of finding truths that resonate with both the body and logic. She uses the example of Mormonism's claims about the origins of Native Americans, which are contradicted by genetic evidence.
• She suggests that anything that causes suffering often has flaws in its logic. This includes the fear of death, which she argues is just as fundamentalist as believing in an afterlife.
• Dr. Beck advocates for trusting what feels right to the body and eliminating beliefs that feel untrue or illogical. She challenges the idea that everything must be measurable to be real.
• She mentions the "sucky day" exercise, which involves imagining a terrible day and observing how it affects the body. This helps to understand the relationship between thoughts and physical sensations.
• Dr. Beck acknowledges the importance of stress resilience but warns against becoming overly resilient to the point of ignoring the body's signals. She emphasizes the value of practices like meditation and saunas for stress relief.

The Importance of Listening to Your Body

• Dr. Martha Beck shares her personal experience with pushing herself beyond her limits, starting with her skateboarding days and continuing into her academic and professional life.
• She describes how she learned to override her body's signals of exhaustion and pain, leading to potentially dangerous situations like shark diving.
• Dr. Beck emphasizes the importance of listening to our bodies and avoiding the "push, push, push" culture that can lead to burnout and harm.
• She mentions Ian McGilchrist's work on the left and right hemispheres of the brain, suggesting that our current culture favors the left hemisphere's focus on control and production over the right hemisphere's focus on meaning and synthesis.
• Dr. Beck references Jill Bolte Taylor's experience with a stroke that shut down her left hemisphere, allowing her to experience a world of pure energy and fluidity, highlighting the importance of both hemispheres for a balanced life.

Using the Whole Brain and Experiencing Freedom

• The speaker discusses the importance of using the whole brain, referencing Ian McGilchrist's book "The Master and His Emissary." He argues that Western society has become overly reliant on the data-collecting part of the brain, neglecting the part that understands meaning.
• The speaker shares a personal anecdote about pushing themselves to the point of physical exhaustion, highlighting the importance of recognizing when an activity is truly fulfilling and when it's simply self-destructive.
• The speaker emphasizes the concept of "truth" as something that sets you free, both physically and emotionally. They suggest that experiencing freedom in the body can be a gauge of truth.
• The speaker describes a personal experience of meditation and a profound shift in consciousness, where reality seemed to become a video game. They connect this experience to the concept of "stopping the world," a phenomenon described in shamanic traditions.

The Nature of Reality and the "Video Game" Analogy

• Dr. Martha Beck believes that our physical reality is like a video game, and there is a deeper level of reality beyond it.
• She references Rick Rubin, who believes that professional wrestling is the only real thing humans have created because everyone agrees it's fake.
• Dr. Beck shares Rick's perspective on the nature of truth, suggesting that we should accept everything as true until proven false.
• She explains that she doesn't believe anything absolutely, but focuses on what is most useful and healthy for her.

MCAS and the Upside of Overactive Immune Responses

• Dr. Beck discusses her experience with MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome), a condition that causes overactive immune responses and various physical symptoms.
• She highlights the potential upside of MCAS, as it can protect against cancer.
• Dr. Beck shares her daughter's insightful observation that she is "allergic to her own goddam emotions," which resonates with Dr. Beck's own experience of physical symptoms arising from emotional and psychological imbalances.

Staying in Integrity and the Power of Energy

• Dr. Martha Beck shares her personal experience of feeling intensely ill when she is not true to herself. She believes that staying in integrity keeps her healthy and feels like freedom.
• She discusses the concept of energy and how it feels real to her, even though it might sound crazy to some. She uses the example of feeling her dog's presence after its passing.
• Dr. Beck explains that she has extensive training in neuroscience and that the notion of energy is not mysterious, as neurons are electrical and chemical. She points out that our phones are electronic circuits that communicate at a distance, so why shouldn't we?
• She mentions that forward-thinking neuroscientists are starting to study the impact of thought and emotion on others at a distance, which is supported by research on magneto reception.
• Dr. Beck shares a personal experience of sensing her husband's experiences in Asia while she was pregnant with her son, Adam. She describes feeling like she was in a three-dimensional movie, seeing specific details that her husband later confirmed.
• She emphasizes that this experience was testable and too significant to ignore. This led her to adopt the belief that she will believe anything until she is convinced it is false, opening her mind to the mysterious nature of the universe.
• Dr. Beck acknowledges the potential for "woo woo" and craziness but emphasizes that the math has to work too. She explains that the neurophysics of energy are being tested and shown to be operative, and that our current instruments may not be advanced enough to fully measure it.
• She concludes by sharing her experience of putting her dog, Costello, down and how she felt the need to be present for him during that process.

Energy Transfer and Gratitude

• Dr. Martha Beck shares a personal anecdote about her dog, who was experiencing health issues. She describes a powerful feeling of energy transfer when she euthanized him, which she believes was a form of gratitude from the dog.

Integrity and Addiction

• Dr. Beck discusses the concept of integrity and how it relates to living in alignment with one's true nature. She mentions an experiment she conducted where she refrained from lying for a year, even to herself.
• Dr. Beck highlights the work of Dr. Anna Lmy, who specializes in addiction and views recovered addicts as heroes for overcoming their dopamine systems.
• Dr. Beck argues that addicts are often hypersensitive to suffering and use substances or activities to medicate the pain of living out of integrity with their true selves.
• She emphasizes that the solution to addiction is not to suppress the pain but to address the underlying cause, which is often a mismatch between one's true nature and the expectations of society.

The Power of Truth-Telling

• Dr. Martha Beck discusses the importance of telling the truth, even uncomfortable truths, as it can accelerate the growth of the prefrontal cortex.
• She mentions a study by Anna that highlights the positive impact of truth-telling on brain development.
• Dr. Beck emphasizes the role of truth-telling in addiction recovery, where acknowledging the truth to oneself and others is crucial.
• She introduces the concept of an "Integrity Cleanse," which involves being completely honest, even in small interactions.

The Light of Truth and Living in Alignment

• Dr. Beck shares a personal experience during surgery where she encountered a bright light that filled her with joy and love.
• This experience led her to commit to living a life that aligns with that feeling of joy and love, which she believes is our true nature.
• Dr. Beck explains that she chose not to lie for a year after her surgery, believing that lying would contradict the feeling of that light.
• She encourages viewers to be honest in all aspects of their lives, even in seemingly insignificant interactions.

The Experiment of Not Lying

• Dr. Martha Beck describes her experiment of not telling any lies for a year. She emphasizes that this experiment was not about telling every truth, but rather about not telling any lies at all.
• She acknowledges that most people lie to smooth social interactions and that men and women are socialized to tell different kinds of lies.
• Dr. Beck shares that this experiment led to significant changes in her life, including the loss of her religion, family, friends, marriage, career, and home.
• Despite these losses, she felt better and better throughout the year, stating that it was less horrible than staying in those things.
• She highlights the difficulty of losing friends and familiar structures, especially for those who are attached to socialization and familiar people.
• Dr. Beck emphasizes that this experience gave her a full-on experience of the self and that the light she saw in the forest showed her that the self is always there, even when we can't see it.
• She shares a story about her son with Down syndrome who experienced a similar light that opened his heart and made things less hard.
• Her son's perspective that the light is everywhere and illuminates the whole world resonates with Dr. Beck's own experience.

Dissolving Parts of Ourselves and One-Degree Turns

• Martha Beck shares her personal experience of accessing her best self through a process of dissolving parts of herself that were not aligned with her true self, which she describes as a "light."
• She emphasizes that this process is not about achieving external milestones like degrees or jobs, but rather about internal work and practices that can be done anywhere and with any resources.
• Beck acknowledges that her journey involved a period of intense self-discipline and resilience, which she describes as "brutal" and "violent."
• She now advocates for a gentler approach, suggesting "one-degree turns" to gradually move away from what causes suffering and towards one's truth.
• Beck highlights the importance of self-compassion and prioritizing one's well-being, even if it means canceling meetings or taking time for self-care.

Incompatible Truths and the Pain of Loss

• She shares her personal struggle with relationships, acknowledging her tendency to get into them quickly and find it difficult to end them, leading to suffering for herself and others.
• Beck emphasizes the importance of holding two seemingly incompatible truths at the same time: loving someone deeply and knowing that the loving thing to do might be to separate.
• She connects her experience with loss to her academic career, where she lost three advisors to suicide and cancer, leading her to question her own role in these events.
• This experience ultimately led her to the realization that life is finite and that people will move apart, even without death, which she finds particularly painful.

Love vs. Self-Abandonment

• Dr. Martha Beck argues that "incompatible truths" lead to feeling stuck in relationships.
• She suggests that some people confuse love with self-abandonment, giving their whole selves to others at the expense of their own well-being.
• She uses the metaphor of a spider and a fly to illustrate this point, comparing the spider's "love" for the fly to a consumptive love that ultimately harms the beloved.
• Dr. Beck emphasizes the importance of recognizing the moment when we start to lose our integrity in a relationship, often very early on.
• She encourages people to be aware of their own suffering and to challenge the societal notion that love requires self-sacrifice.
• She highlights the harmful effects of the martyr archetype, which can lead to unnecessary suffering and ultimately damage relationships.

Relationship Patterns and Avoiding Confrontation

• Martha Beck, a coach, observes that people often come to her with issues related to their life not feeling fulfilling, particularly in their careers. However, she finds that these issues often stem from relationship problems, even if the client initially presents with a career-related concern.
• She explains that dysfunctional patterns in one area of life tend to manifest in other areas as well. For example, someone who avoids confrontation at work might also avoid confrontation in their marriage.
• The speaker, who is also a guest on the show, shares their own experience with this pattern. They have found success in various professional pursuits, but have struggled more in romantic relationships. They attribute this to a tendency to prioritize the needs of their partners over their own well-being in romantic relationships, even when it means compromising their own boundaries.
• Martha Beck suggests that this pattern might be due to a fear of hurting the other person's feelings. She points out that changing careers might not directly hurt anyone, but changing relationship patterns can lead to emotional pain for the partner.
• The speaker and Martha Beck discuss the challenge of making choices that align with one's own integrity, even if it means potentially hurting others. They acknowledge that this is a complex issue, particularly in the context of relationships.

Addiction to Pleasing Others and Setting Boundaries

• Dr. Martha Beck explains that people can become addicted to pleasing others, even if it means compromising their own integrity. This is similar to codependency, where someone gives excessive emotional energy to another person, often to the point of being emotionally drained.
• She uses the analogy of an alcoholic who is dependent on alcohol. Just as an alcoholic needs the alcohol to feel good, some people need to give excessive attention and energy to others to feel validated.
• Dr. Beck emphasizes that it is important to set boundaries and not allow others to "feed" off of your energy. This can be difficult, as people may resist your attempts to create healthy boundaries.
• She shares a personal anecdote about her experience leaving the Mormon church, where she realized she had been pretending to be someone she wasn't to please others. This led to some relationships ending, but she ultimately found peace in being true to herself.

Empathy vs. Self-Sacrifice and Staying True to Yourself

• Dr. Beck believes that empathy can be a positive force, but it can also be taken too far. She uses the example of loving a dog, where the love is mutual and feels like a "perfect circle." However, with people, empathy can lead to sacrificing one's own needs and trying to become someone they are not to please others.
• She concludes by saying that we should not expect others to change who they are to please us, just as we don't expect our dogs to change their natural behaviors. Similarly, we should not try to change ourselves to please others.

Authenticity in Giving and the Importance of Boundaries

• Authenticity in Giving: Dr. Beck emphasizes the importance of giving from a place of genuine love and not out of obligation or a sense of duty. She uses the analogy of a dog, who gives love honestly and without pretense.
• Empathy vs. Self-Sacrifice: Dr. Beck distinguishes between true empathy and self-sacrifice. True empathy involves self-other awareness, recognizing that you are not the other person and their feelings are not your own. She highlights the importance of emotion regulation, allowing you to experience difficult emotions without being overwhelmed.
• The Importance of Boundaries: Dr. Beck emphasizes the need for boundaries in relationships. She uses the example of a client whose husband gave away his energy, leading to a heart attack. The client's expectation that he should prioritize her needs even during a heart attack demonstrates a lack of boundaries and an unhealthy dynamic.
• Happiness is an Inside Job: Dr. Beck stresses that it is not our responsibility to make others happy. Happiness is an internal state that cannot be imposed on another person.
• The Energetic Pull of Relationships: Dr. Beck observes that romantic relationships often involve an energetic pull, where we feel responsible for the other person's well-being. She suggests that this can be a source of imbalance and that it is important to recognize that our job is not to make them happy.
• Byron Katie's Wisdom: Dr. Beck quotes Byron Katie, a spiritual teacher, who says, "My favorite thing about separate bodies is that when you hurt, I don't. It's not my turn." This highlights the importance of recognizing our own separate experiences and not taking on the pain of others.
• Staying True to Yourself: Dr. Beck concludes by quoting a 13th-century Persian poet, Hafez: "Though troubled, then stay with me, for I am not." This emphasizes the importance of staying true to ourselves even in relationships, acknowledging our own feelings and not trying to be someone we are not.

Modeling Healthy Behavior and Codependency

• Dr. Martha Beck emphasizes the importance of staying in one's own integrity and modeling healthy behavior for others, even when they are struggling. She uses the example of her oldest child, who taught her the importance of allowing them to experience their own suffering and learn from it.
• The conversation then shifts to the concept of codependency, where one person's actions or behaviors become dependent on the needs or desires of another. This can lead to resentment and conflict when boundaries are established or changed.
• Dr. Beck uses the analogy of an alcoholic to illustrate how providing something to someone who is dependent on it can create a sense of entitlement and make it difficult to withdraw support later.
• She discusses the importance of naming and reframing issues, such as alcohol use disorder, to encourage open dialogue and understanding.
• Dr. Beck highlights the potential for conflict when someone feels they are being cut off from something they have come to expect, even if it was not explicitly promised. She emphasizes that individuals have the right to change their behavior and set boundaries, even if it means breaking a pattern or perceived promise.

The "Distinction Burst" Phenomenon

• The conversation concludes with a discussion of the "distinction burst" phenomenon, which is observed in animals like pigeons when they are trained to receive rewards at unpredictable intervals. When the rewards stop, the animals become agitated and frustrated, believing they have been promised something they are not receiving. This analogy is used to illustrate how people can react when they feel their expectations are not being met.

Living from Joy and Creating Economic Ecosystems

• Dr. Martha Beck emphasizes the importance of staying true to one's integrity, even when it means pulling back from giving too much to others. She uses the analogy of a dog who constantly barks for attention and how ignoring the behavior ultimately leads to the dog calming down.
• Dr. Beck applies this concept to her work, stating that she enjoys learning, organizing information, and sharing it with the world, regardless of whether people like it or not. She finds fulfillment in doing what she loves, even if it doesn't always lead to external validation.
• Dr. Beck describes how living from one's joy can create economic ecosystems, where the value one creates leads to multiple streams of income. She shares her experience with her podcast, where she finds it unbelievable that people pay her to do something she loves.
• Dr. Beck recounts her experience in graduate school, where she was drawn to Barbara Chapman's lab because of her unique personality and approach to science. Despite initially committing to another lab, Dr. Beck eventually joined Barbara's lab, demonstrating her willingness to follow her passion.
• Dr. Beck acknowledges that public-facing work, like her podcast, will evoke different responses from people. She emphasizes the importance of focusing on her own path and not being swayed by external judgments. She believes that everyone can find their own way to live a fulfilling life.

Embracing Change and Unconventional Relationships

• The speaker compares the current state of society to a tsunami, suggesting that rapid change is inevitable and that clinging to old institutions will only lead to destruction.
• The speaker encourages embracing change and taking risks, using the analogy of surfing a giant wave.
• The speaker believes that true integrity involves embracing unconventional relationships and letting go of pre-conceived notions of what they should look like.
• The speaker shares a personal anecdote about their own unconventional relationship with two partners, Karen and Rowan, which began with a feeling of joy and evolved into a loving and fulfilling polyamorous relationship.
• The speaker emphasizes that love should be the guiding principle in relationships, regardless of societal norms or expectations.

Embracing Individual Differences and Honesty in Relationships

• Dr. Martha Beck emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and accepting individual differences, including those related to romantic relationships. She uses the example of her friend Ben Baris, a transgender scientist, to illustrate that people have different wiring and preferences.
• She encourages listeners to be honest with themselves about what they truly desire in a romantic relationship, regardless of societal expectations. She suggests writing down their ideal romantic life and revisiting it frequently, even sharing it with potential partners.
• Dr. Beck highlights the value of open communication and honesty in relationships, suggesting that it's better to be upfront about one's needs and boundaries than to engage in behaviors that might lead to negative outcomes.
• She draws a parallel between the acceptance of diverse emotions and experiences in punk rock music and the importance of embracing different versions of oneself in relationships. She cites examples of punk rock musicians like Tim Armstrong, Joe Strummer, and Laura Jane Grace, who have created a community that celebrates individuality and authenticity.

Embracing Joy and Love in the Face of Negativity

• Dr. Martha Beck believes that rock and roll music is a good example of an all-inclusive genre because it encompasses a wide range of emotions and experiences, including pro-social messages.
• She applies a similar approach to social media, recognizing that it contains a diverse range of individuals with varying intentions, including those who are mentally healthy, mentally unhealthy, seeking love, seeking conflict, or seeking to attack others.
• Dr. Beck emphasizes the importance of embracing a genuine sense of joy and love, even in the face of negativity. She believes that love can overcome any challenge, drawing inspiration from the quote "charity never faileth."
• She acknowledges that achieving a state of essential self and inner peace can be challenging, but she believes that the intensity of suffering can lead to a profound appreciation for the light within.

Self-Healing and the Burden of Trying to Fix the World

• Dr. Beck highlights the importance of self-healing before attempting to heal the world, recognizing the toll that trying to fix global problems can take on individuals.
• She expresses concern for her mother's well-being, who has dedicated her life to trying to heal the world, and acknowledges the emotional burden it can carry.
• Dr. Beck concludes by questioning whether there is hope for humanity, acknowledging the immense challenges facing the world.

The Archetype of the Healer and Wayfinder

• Dr. Martha Beck shares her personal experience of feeling a calling to help others since she was four years old.
• She describes her journey of discovering her purpose and encountering others who seemed to share her calling.
• During a trip to South Africa, she had a dream about her ancestors and shared it with friends from the Shangan tribe.
• A shaman, Mosan Beek, performed a divinatory ritual using bones and told Dr. Beck that there are people born to be healers all over the world.
• The shaman emphasized the importance of these healers connecting with the wisdom and technology of traditional cultures.
• Dr. Beck believes that this archetype of a healer, or "wayfinder," exists in every 100 to 150 people.
• She believes that these wayfinders are crucial for healing the world and that they will use their unique skills, joy, and refusal to participate in harmful cultural patterns to create positive change.

Gratitude and Continued Learning

• Dr. Beck expresses her gratitude to the audience for their presence and for the impact of their work on her own journey.
• She acknowledges the importance of continued learning and growth, emphasizing that everyone is a work in progress.
• Dr. Beck concludes by expressing her appreciation for the opportunity to share her wisdom and empower others.

Huberman Lab Podcast Call to Action

• The speaker expresses gratitude to the audience for joining the discussion with Dr. Martha Beck.
• The speaker encourages viewers to subscribe to the YouTube channel, follow the podcast on Spotify and Apple, and leave a five-star review.
• The speaker mentions the importance of supporting the podcast sponsors.
• The speaker invites viewers to submit questions, comments, and topic suggestions for the Huberman Lab podcast in the YouTube comment section.
• The speaker announces the upcoming release of their first book, "Protocols: An Operating Manual for