Esther Perel: How to Find, Build & Maintain Healthy Romantic Relationships

Esther Perel (0s)

• The episode features Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and expert on romantic relationships. (14s)
• The discussion centers around the dynamics of functional romantic relationships, including identity, conflict, and the erotic aspects of relationships. (30s)
• Listeners will gain insights into finding, building, and reviving satisfying romantic relationships. (1m42s)

Sponsors: David Protein, LMNT & Helix Sleep (2m3s)

• The speaker expresses gratitude to the sponsors of the podcast, which include a protein bar company called David, an electrolyte drink company called Element, and a mattress company called Helix Sleep. (2m15s)
• The speaker shares their personal experience with David protein bars, stating that they appreciate the high protein content, low calorie count, and enjoyable taste, particularly the cake, chocolate, and berry flavors. (2m38s)
• The speaker mentions incorporating Element electrolyte drink into their daily routine, particularly upon waking up and during physical exercise, to maintain proper hydration and electrolyte balance. (4m37s)

Romantic Relationships, Change & Self (6m33s)

• People are drawn to romantic relationships to find themselves and to be surprised by unknown aspects of themselves. (8m28s)
• Individuals are drawn to potential partners who embody traits they desire to cultivate within themselves. (9m16s)
• While individuals desire change and seek partners who can facilitate that growth, they often resist when those desired changes clash with their established patterns, leading to conflict and defensiveness. (9m39s)

Cornerstone vs. Capstone Relationships, Age Differences (11m18s)

• Cornerstone relationships are formed when individuals meet in their early 20s and build a foundation together, such as saving money, finding a home, and establishing themselves. (12m36s)
• Capstone relationships occur later in life, typically when individuals have already established their identities, values, and aspirations, and are seeking a partner who complements their existing life. (13m22s)
• Age differences in relationships are becoming more diverse, with a growing trend of older women in relationships with younger men, a phenomenon previously rare in most cultures. (14m38s)

Young vs. Older Couples, Dynamic Relationships (16m53s)

• Couples who begin their relationships at a younger age may have more neuroplasticity, which allows them to adapt and grow together more easily. (17m11s)
• Individuals in their 20s may find it more challenging to self-reflect and address personal issues within a relationship compared to those in their 40s or 50s. (17m52s)
• Young couples who grow up together may face challenges when they begin to change individually, as the relationship needs to expand to accommodate their growth. (18m44s)

Identity & Relationship Evolution (20m13s)

• People are different in each decade of their lives, making the idea of three marriages in a lifetime logical. (21m19s)
• Redefining oneself and one's relationship is a creative and generative experience, not just problem-solving. (22m59s)
• Modern relationships offer more freedom and plasticity, allowing for change and reinvention, but this also brings anxiety and requires maturity. (24m56s)

Curiosity, Reactivity (26m0s)

• Curiosity is essential for healthy relationships, standing in opposition to reactivity which reinforces negative cycles. (28m11s)
• Curiosity involves engaging with the unknown without emotional attachment to the outcome, allowing for empathy and respect for different perspectives. (28m38s)
• Shifting from reactivity to curiosity can be challenging, especially when individuals are hurt or defensive, as their instinct is to shut down rather than open up. (29m50s)

Sponsor: AG1 (30m29s)

• AG1 is a drink mix that contains vitamins, minerals, probiotics, prebiotics, and adaptogens, intended to address a variety of nutritional needs. (30m33s)
• Consuming AG1 daily is reported to improve various aspects of well-being, including physical and mental health, sleep quality, energy levels, cognitive function, and immune system strength. (31m16s)
• A special offer is available at drink a1.com/huberman, which includes five free travel packs and a one-year supply of vitamins D3 and K2. (31m44s)

Polarization, Conflict; Coherence & Narratives (31m59s)

• When individuals experience stress, their thinking becomes limited, hindering their ability to consider alternative perspectives and broader contexts. (31m59s)
• People often perceive their own experiences as factual, leading to conflicting narratives and difficulties in finding common ground, both in personal relationships and on a societal level. (32m51s)
• Couples therapy offers insights into polarization and conflict resolution by highlighting how individuals in close relationships can have vastly different interpretations of the same events, often influenced by past experiences and unconscious processes. (34m38s)

Apologies, Forgiveness, Shame, Self-Esteem (38m21s)

• Most people struggle to understand their own feelings, making it difficult to understand the intentions of others, including apologies. (38m26s)
• A complete apology should acknowledge the other person's feelings and validate their perspective. (38m57s)
• Difficulty accepting apologies can stem from a pattern of unresolved issues, a fear of minimizing the grievance, or a desire to maintain a sense of hurt. (39m41s)

Relationship Conflict (45m0s)

• Conflict is inherent to relationships, and problematic ways of dealing with it should be addressed. (46m48s)
• High emotional arousal, such as stress, can make it difficult to communicate effectively and process information during conflict. (46m58s)
• Physical movement, such as standing up or changing positions, can help regulate emotional states and improve communication. (47m49s)
• Therapists may use various techniques, such as silence, music, or ending a session early, to help couples regulate their emotions and avoid further escalation of conflict. (52m36s)
• It's important to acknowledge that individuals can experience contradictory emotions, such as love and hate, simultaneously within a relationship. (53m42s)

Sponsor: Function (53m48s)

• Function is a company that offers comprehensive lab testing, analyzing blood, urine, and saliva to provide a complete picture of personal health, including heart, hormone, immune, metabolic, vitamin and mineral status. (54m1s)
• Function provides testing of over 100 biomarkers, analyzes the results, and offers insights from doctors. (54m16s)
• Function is easy to use, comprehensive, and provides actionable test results. (55m6s)

Verb States of Conflict; Emotion, Narratives vs. Reality (55m35s)

• There are three verb states of conflict: pursuer-pursuer, distancer-distancer, and pursuer-distancer. (57m7s)
• Moving from recounting the story of a conflict to understanding the feeling states of those involved is a step towards a more functional dynamic. (57m34s)
• An individual's experience is valid, but that doesn't mean their perception of reality is factual. (59m3s)

Time Domains & Hurt; Caretaker & Romantic Relationships (1h0m10s)

• Stress can be exacerbated by emotional realities, including imagined ones, which can complicate relationships. (1h0m38s)
• Romantic relationships and our relationships with primary caretakers share similarities, often mirroring each other. (1h2m46s)
• The same neural circuitry responsible for infant-caretaker attachment is repurposed for romantic attachments later in life. (1h3m46s)
• Brain imaging studies reveal that healthy romantic attachments in adulthood often stem from secure attachments in infancy, while insecure attachments in infancy can lead to challenges in forming healthy romantic attachments later on. (1h3m59s)
• There is a possibility that humans are evolving to better understand themselves and attachment, potentially leading to healthier relationships and a deeper comprehension of love and attachment in the future. (1h6m57s)

Couples Therapy; Language & Naming (1h8m3s)

• Some models of couples therapy suggest that individuals recreate patterns from their early lives in romantic relationships as an attempt to resolve past conflicts. (1h8m3s)
• Modern relationships are complex, and there is no single correct answer or approach in couples therapy; instead, therapists offer frameworks and interpretations that may resonate with individuals based on their unique experiences. (1h9m28s)
• While naming and categorization within the context of attachment styles and love languages can be helpful in understanding relationship dynamics, excessive reliance on these labels can limit personal growth and possibilities for connection. (1h12m0s)

Sexuality in Relationships (1h20m15s)

• Sexuality is a window into a society and a relationship, inviting deep listening and understanding. (1h22m55s)
• Modern sexuality, often focused on performance and outcome, should be viewed as an experience and a place one goes to with a partner. (1h23m30s)
• Sexuality is a coded language for deep emotional needs, wounds, fears, aspirations, and longings, making it more than just a physical act. (1h24m27s)
• While some believe sexual problems stem from relationship issues, sexuality might be a parallel narrative to the relationship, meaning changing one doesn't automatically fix the other. (1h25m24s)
• Love and desire, while related, are distinct entities with different needs and thriving conditions, and modern relationships attempt to reconcile these two within a single relationship. (1h26m7s)

Tool: Love & Desire, Sexuality (1h26m20s)

• Love and the Romantic ideal have persisted throughout history, even as other ideologies have faded. (1h26m39s)
• An exercise involving listing associations with love and sexuality can reveal if someone views them as separate or interconnected. (1h27m22s)
• For some, love and desire are intertwined, while for others, they are distinct, potentially due to past experiences or attachment styles. (1h29m0s)

Infidelity, “Aliveness” (1h31m28s)

• Some individuals engage in infidelity not primarily due to issues within their relationship, but rather as a means of seeking self-discovery and reconnecting with lost aspects of themselves. (1h32m48s)
• A recurring theme among those who have experienced affairs is a sense of feeling "alive," describing it as an antidote to feelings of "deadness." (1h33m46s)
• This "aliveness" is not solely about sex but encompasses a broader sense of vitality, vibrancy, hopefulness, curiosity, imagination, and playfulness, which individuals may feel they need to seek outside their relationships due to various life circumstances. (1h34m0s)

Intimacy, Abandonment, Self-Preservation (1h35m17s)

• Romantic relationships require balancing intimacy with maintaining one's identity. (1h35m59s)
• Individuals tend to be drawn to partners whose needs mirror their vulnerabilities, often leading to one person fearing abandonment and the other fearing suffocation. (1h36m28s)
• Fear of losing oneself in a relationship can manifest as rigidity, inflexibility, and an inability to compromise, often using seemingly insignificant issues as proxies for deeper anxieties. (1h40m0s)

Erotic Blueprints, Emotional Needs (1h41m26s)

• People explore different identities in their adolescence, often through clothing and music. (1h41m35s)
• Emotional history is a key component of an individual's physical expression of love and sexual intimacy. (1h43m41s)
• An individual's sexual preferences and fantasies are a reflection of their deepest emotional needs. (1h46m16s)

Tool: Repair Work, Relationship Revival; Sincere Apologies (1h49m42s)

• Repair work in relationships involves acknowledging the hurt caused, even if the action itself isn't deemed wrong. (1h52m38s)
• A sincere apology, focused on the other person's pain rather than self-preservation, is crucial for repair. (1h58m57s)
• Erotic recovery, involving new experiences and stepping outside the comfort zone, is essential for relationship revival after hurt. (1h56m10s)

Tool: Relationship Readiness (1h59m30s)

• People should ask themselves what makes them difficult to live with. (1h59m55s)
• Everyone has relationship issues they will have to address at some point in their life. (2h0m17s)
• Many relationship problems are paradoxes that have to be managed, not solved. (2h0m37s)

Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, Sponsors, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter (2h3m33s)

• Listeners can find links to Esther Perel's course, books, podcast, and other resources in the show notes and captions. (2h3m36s)
• The best way to support the podcast is to subscribe to the YouTube channel, subscribe on Spotify and Apple, leave a review on Spotify and Apple, and check out the sponsors mentioned. (2h3m47s)
• A new book titled Protocols: An Operating Manual for the Human Body is available for pre-sale at protocolsbook.com and includes science-backed protocols for sleep, exercise, stress control, focus, and motivation. (2h4m17s)