Huge New Study Reveals What People Really Want In A Partner - Dr Paul Eastwick
14 Sep 2024 (4 days ago)
Stated vs. Revealed Preferences
- People generally agree that traits like attractiveness, intelligence, consideration, and honesty are desirable in a romantic partner. They also agree that traits like disorganization, carelessness, anxiety, and being easily upset are undesirable in a partner.
- There is a distinction between stated preferences and revealed preferences. Stated preferences refer to what people say they want in a partner, while revealed preferences refer to what attributes actually predict liking in potential partners.
Measuring Revealed Preferences
- Revealed preferences can be measured in various ways, such as through speed dating scenarios where participants rate their liking for individuals with varying levels of a particular attribute.
- A study was conducted with 10,000 participants from 43 countries, some of whom were single and some in relationships. Participants were asked to report on a person they were interested in dating but not currently dating.
Importance of "Good Lover"
- Participants rated their potential partners on 35 different attributes, including their attractiveness, intelligence, and how good of a lover they were.
- The study found that while participants ranked "good lover" as 12th in their stated preferences, it was the strongest predictor of how positively they felt about a potential partner.
- People strongly prioritize a "good lover" in partners based on revealed preferences, even though it ranks lower in stated preferences.
Other Revealed Preferences
- The attribute "smells good" is ranked as more important in revealed preferences compared to stated preferences.
- People underestimate the importance of physical attributes related to intimacy, such as being a good lover and smelling good.
Gender Differences in Preferences
- While both men and women underestimate the importance of attractiveness, women underestimate it to a greater degree.
- Women overestimate and men underestimate the importance of certain attributes in a partner, such as having a good job.
Long-Term Relationship Preferences
- While initial attraction is important, traits like loyalty, honesty, and understanding are also highly valued in long-term partners.
- As people get to know each other over time, consensus on attributes like attractiveness tends to decrease, leading to more divergent opinions.
Alternative Avenues for Connection
- For those who are not conventionally attractive, there are other avenues to form connections, particularly through repeated interactions where people get to know each other better.
Desirable Partner Traits
- People desire excitement and inspiration from their partners, wanting them to help in becoming closer to their ideal selves.
- Trustworthiness is important but must be balanced with excitement; people want partners who are reliable but not overly predictable.
- Close relationships are inherently risky because they involve vulnerability and the potential for exploitation, which is why loyalty is highly valued.
Partner Influence
- Partners tend to absorb each other's traits, which can include both positive and negative attributes, such as anxiety or even body odor.
Relationship Dynamics
- Initiating new relationships can be exciting due to the self-expansion experience, where partners introduce each other to new activities and perspectives.
- Preferences for traits like being a good lover or smelling good may reflect a desire to avoid the absence of those traits, though it is difficult to distinguish these effects in data.
Predicting Preferences
- People are better at predicting what others want, rather than what they say they want.
- There is a difference between stated preferences and revealed preferences, with researchers often more interested in revealed preferences.
Online Dating and Revealed Preferences
- Online dating services could potentially utilize revealed preferences and self-reported data to improve matchmaking accuracy, but more research is needed to determine if this is possible.
Positive Perception in Happy Relationships
- People in happy relationships tend to view their partner's traits positively, even if those traits have negative aspects.
Limitations of Online Dating Algorithms
- Online dating algorithms are good at predicting initial attraction (swiping right) but not long-term compatibility.
Importance of Social Connections
- While improving one's attributes (e.g., physical fitness) is beneficial, building social connections and networks is crucial for creating meaningful relationship opportunities.
Unpredictability of Love
- Humans are not good at predicting the exponential growth and changes that occur within social networks.
- The feeling of falling in love is unpredictable and cannot be measured or described scientifically.
Challenges in Finding Partners
- While some people struggle to find a partner, others may excel at initial attraction but possess undesirable personality traits that make maintaining a relationship difficult.
Anxiety and Trust
Gender and Partner Preferences
- The speaker believes that both men and women are attracted to partners with resources and status, regardless of gender.
Self-Objectification and Income Inequality
- Candice Blake's research suggests that women are more likely to self-objectify in areas with high-income inequality.
Influencing Preferences
- It is difficult to intentionally and permanently influence people's preferences about what they desire in a partner, even with conditioning techniques.
Positive Feelings and Memory
- Positive feelings about partners can stem from a general sense retrieved from memory or from specific significant moments, both positive and negative, that are particularly memorable.
Polyamorous Relationships
- Research on polyamorous relationships, which examines individuals' experiences across multiple partners, offers valuable insights into relationship dynamics and preferences.
Paul Eastwick's Book and Social Media
- Paul Eastwick will release a book in approximately 18 months.
- People can follow Paul Eastwick on Twitter at Paul Eastwick.
- A selection of clips from the podcast is available to watch.