A Mall Cop | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #518

Mall Security and the Job

• Gus Parsons, the guest on the show, worked as a mall cop for 10 years.
• He got into mall security because he needed a full-time job and it was a relatively easy way to get hired.
• Gus's father was a bus driver, and he believes there's a connection between people who work in uniforms, like bus drivers and security guards.
• Gus's first mall security job was at Horton Plaza in San Diego, which is no longer in operation.
• Gus chose mall security because he didn't want to do hard labor, but he found that the job was not as easy as he expected.
• The training for mall security is minimal, and there are no physical requirements.
• Gus mentions that mall security officers who can't meet the physical requirements are given Segways, which is a real thing, not just a joke from the movie "Paul Blart: Mall Cop."
• Gus finds Segways ridiculous because they are often used by security officers who are trying to look cool or professional.
• Mall security guards no longer receive extensive training like they used to.
• The speaker describes a shift in the role of mall security guards, where they are no longer allowed to physically intervene with shoplifters.
• The speaker mentions that mall security guards are now expected to monitor shoplifters and escort them out of the mall.
• The speaker describes a system used by mall security guards to scan barcodes at various locations throughout the mall, which was a way to avoid having to physically patrol the entire mall.
• The speaker describes different types of mall security guards, including "pant booters" who are overly serious and "Thug dudes" who are more relaxed and often bring marijuana to work.
• Theo Von describes two main types of mall cops: the "ghetto guys" who do the bare minimum and the "average Joe" who just needs a job.
• He also mentions a third type, the "Paul Blart" type, who is a loner who lives at home with his mom and loves video games.

Mall Security Uniforms and Gear

• Theo Von discusses the mall cop uniform, specifically the "Mounty hats" that he refused to wear.
• He believes the hats are ridiculous and make mall cops look like targets.
• He also mentions how some malls give stripes to mall cops who have been there for a while, which he finds absurd.
• Theo Von discusses his experiences as a mall security guard, mentioning the different uniforms and gear he had to wear.
• He describes a specific mall where security guards wore hats with stripes indicating their years of service, with one guard having six stripes.
• He mentions that he has also worked as an armed security guard, wearing guns, holsters, and bulletproof vests.
• Theo Von shares his experience working at dispensaries, where security guards were often heavily armed and dressed like SWAT team members.
• He talks about the use of batons by security guards, mentioning that he was allowed to carry one at one point.
• He recounts an incident where he threw a baton at a thief who was running out of a store, causing him to trip and fall.
• Theo Von acknowledges that such actions would likely result in legal consequences for a security guard today.
• He expresses his frustration with the current situation where thieves can film themselves stealing and claim they are being harassed by security guards.
• He concludes by asking if tasers were ever used by security guards.

Mall Security Tactics and Strategies

• Theo Von and his friends used stink bombs to clear crowds when they worked as mall security guards.
• They would throw the stink bombs on the ground and not say a word.
• The stink bombs were purchased from an ice cream truck.
• Theo Von mentioned a security guard named Paul Flart who filmed all his farts for six months and got fired for it.
• Theo Von described the acoustics of a mall as perfect for farting, especially in the back alley behind the stores.
• A typical mall shift involved clocking in, taking a break to smoke, and attending a strategy meeting.
• Sometimes, the security guards would receive intel on shoplifters, including pictures of them.
• Theo Von recounted an incident where he encountered a cologne thief who stole samples without lids.
• Theo Von bought some of the stolen cologne from the thief.
• Theo Von mentioned that he was wearing Aqua di Gio cologne, which he remembered from his mall security days.

Mall Security Encounters

• Theo Von describes his experience as a mall cop, specifically recalling an incident where he apprehended a shoplifter named Bobby Lee.
• He explains that he felt insecure as a child and never felt worthy of wearing nice cologne, often resorting to using deodorant as a substitute.
• Theo recounts how he and his fellow mall cops strategized to catch Bobby Lee, who was known for stealing cologne.
• He describes how he went undercover, wearing plain clothes and blending in with the crowd, to observe Bobby Lee's actions.
• Theo details how he followed Bobby Lee into Macy's, where he witnessed him stealing cologne and then apprehended him, using a forceful takedown technique.
• He emphasizes that this was his first time apprehending someone in the act, and he had been waiting for this moment for three years.
• Theo describes the confrontation with Bobby Lee, including his words and actions, and how he ultimately subdued him.
• The speaker, a former mall cop, recounts an incident where he apprehended a cologne thief he nicknamed the "Clone Bandit."
• He describes how he recognized the thief from a security camera image and apprehended him within an hour.
• The speaker used zip ties to restrain the thief and questioned him about his motives.
• After calling the police, the speaker waited for two hours before they arrived, finding the process anticlimactic.
• He expresses disappointment that the police didn't take more action against the thief, wishing they would have given him a more severe punishment.

Mall Security and the Police

• Theo Von discusses the pros and cons of being an adult, highlighting the need for doctor's appointments and suggesting the use of the healthcare app Zocdoc.
• He then shares his experiences as a mall cop, describing the relationship between mall security and regular police officers as one of indifference and sometimes even disdain.
• Theo recounts an instance where a police officer dismissed his detailed description of a crime, stating that he could have been a mall cop if he wanted to.
• He emphasizes that mall security was often overlooked by the police, receiving no updates or information about potential threats in the community.
• Theo Von discusses the lack of communication between mall security and the police, despite the mall being a common gathering place for people of all backgrounds.
• He mentions that police often use mall parking lots as a hangout spot, creating a "bubble" around themselves and discouraging interaction with security.

Common Crimes at Malls

• Theo describes the common crimes at malls, including stealing, vandalism, and fights.
• He shares anecdotes about witnessing mothers stealing items and a group of seemingly harmless Mexican ladies stealing a car.
• Theo explains that vandalism often occurs after someone is thrown out of a store, targeting the store's property in a misguided attempt to harm a large corporation.
• He highlights the prevalence of fights at malls, particularly in San Diego, where gangs would gather and clash.
• Theo recounts an encounter with a young thief who brazenly stole Gucci belts while claiming immunity from security due to his understanding of the mall's security protocols.
• He expresses frustration at the disrespect shown by the thief and the feeling of helplessness in the situation.

The Evolution of Malls

• Theo Von discusses how the mall has changed over time, noting that in the early 2000s, everyone went to the mall, regardless of age.
• He describes the typical mall crowd, with older people in the morning, adults during the day, and kids in the afternoon.
• He contrasts this with the current situation, where people go to the mall for specific purposes and don't hang out there as much.
• He reminisces about the fun aspects of malls in the past, like people watching, visiting the Disney Store, and getting candy.
• He mentions a friend named Young King Dave who passed away from smoking weed, and expresses his condolences.
• Theo Von discusses a mall security guard who smoked a lot of weed and died from complications of a collapsed lung.
• He mentions that the guard was known for driving around to meet people to smoke weed.

Iconic Mall Stores

• Theo Von talks about the Disney Store in the mall, describing it as a high-end store with a distinct smell and a wide variety of merchandise.
• He shares a story about getting kicked out of the Disney Store with a friend after they were caught smoking a blunt in the Little Theater inside the store.
• Theo Von mentions Build-A-Bear Workshop and describes the clientele as mostly white.
• He highlights Sharper Image as a popular store in the mall, suggesting it was the reason he got a mall job.
• He jokingly claims that Elon Musk was born in a Sharper Image store, referencing the store's futuristic gadgets and products.
• Theo Von describes Sharper Image as a store that sold ridiculous products like a cheese-grating wallet, foot spas, and a defrosting tray.
• He mentions that his mom had a Sharper Image foot massager that smelled bad after a while.
• Theo Von also talks about the iconic chairs in Sharper Image, where customers would get a look from the staff to determine if they were allowed to sit in them.
• He then discusses how Sees Candy was a popular destination for Mexicans at the mall, as they would go there for free candy samples.
• Theo Von mentions that KB Toys was a cheaper alternative to Toys R Us and was frequented by Mexicans.
• He then talks about Bed Bath and Beyond, which was a popular spot for Black people to buy lotions and fragrances.
• Theo Von remembers a time when Bed Bath and Beyond started selling lotions that smelled like cookies, which became a popular trend among girls.

Mall Security and the Challenges of Today

• Theo Von recounts a story about two security guards who caught a woman having sex with two different men in a mall within a half-hour period.
• The guards confronted the first man, who denied the encounter, but the guards had evidence from the security cameras.
• Theo Von then shares a story about a security guard who called 911 to report a group of people stealing items from a department store.
• The security guard followed the group as they loaded items into a U-Haul truck and then exited the store.
• Theo Von discusses the challenges of being a security guard in today's world, where people are more likely to film incidents and security guards can be held accountable for their words.
• He shares his experience of confronting a thief and being told to "f* off" by the thief.
• Theo Von also mentions the increasing trend of large groups of people stealing items from stores, making it difficult for security guards to intervene.
• He concludes by sharing a story about working at a Louis Vuitton store in a mall and encountering a protest.

Mall Security and Protests

• Theo Von describes an encounter with animal rights protesters at a mall.
• The protesters were wearing leather Nikes while protesting against Louis Vuitton for using fur.
• The protesters used bullhorns and sirens to make their point.
• Theo was frustrated by the protesters' actions and felt like he wanted to shove the bullhorn down the protester's throat.
• Theo mentions that he would have reacted differently 20 years ago, but nowadays he feels like he can't do anything about it.
• He compares the protesters' actions to throwing fur and fake blood at mall employees.
• Theo questions the protesters' hourly wage and expresses his frustration with their actions.

The Decline of Malls

• Theo Von and his co-host discuss how malls used to be a hub for "wiggers" and "gingers," with Foot Locker and Lids being popular spots for them.
• They mention that JC Penney was another popular spot for urban clothing, especially during sales.
• They observe that the decline of malls started around 10-15 years ago, with fewer people visiting and the theaters becoming less popular.
• They note that the decline of malls is evident in the empty stores and the replacement of traditional stores with phone stores or "kum's magic shop."
• They acknowledge that malls still get busy during the holidays, with stores offering more sales to attract customers.
• They reminisce about the "real Black Fridays" where people would fight over discounted items, especially at Target.
• They mention that mall security guards would have to prepare for Black Friday by stretching and eating right, as they knew they would be working long hours and dealing with aggressive customers.
• They highlight that the OG Black Fridays were a time when physical fights were more common, before the "don't touch anybody" rule was implemented.
• A woman attempted to buy out the entire PlayStation 4 stock at a store on Black Friday by putting all 120 units on layaway.
• This angered other shoppers who were waiting in line for the consoles, and they beat her up outside the store.
• The speaker, Theo Von, believes the woman deserved the beating for her greed.

Mall Security and the Thong

• The conversation then shifts to the history of the thong, with Theo Von recalling how the thong's popularity in the 1990s led to a surge in sales and a "thong frenzy."
• He reminisces about his time working as a mall cop during this period, noting that Victoria's Secret was a popular destination for young women and a potential "sniffer dream" for some.
• Theo Von shares a story about a call they received about a "pervy dude" in Victoria's Secret, highlighting the potential for inappropriate behavior in such a setting.
• Theo Von recounts an incident where he confronted a man sniffing underwear at a Victoria's Secret store.
• He describes other instances of men engaging in similar behavior, including "run-by sniffs" and dropping wallets to get a whiff of women's underwear.

Mall Security and Christmas

• Theo Von shares his experiences working as a mall security guard during the Christmas season, particularly his encounters with drunk Santas.
• He mentions that some Santas were dedicated to the role year-round, while others were just looking for a seasonal job.
• He describes the drunk Santas as being the funniest with the kids, often making inappropriate jokes and offering them gifts like drugs.
• Theo Von also mentions a Santa who hit on a woman's mother, telling her he had a present for her to unwrap.
• He concludes by mentioning that he had a Santa on his podcast who was a "world champion" of Santa.
• Theo Von shares a story about a Santa who got fired on his third day for fighting a parent. The parent was trying to teach their child a lesson by telling Santa "no" to the child's toy requests. The Santa, however, took offense to the parent's behavior and ended up getting into a physical altercation with the father.
• Theo describes the scene, mentioning that the Santa's beard and hat fell off during the fight. He also notes that the child was confused and asked "What did I do wrong?"

Mall Security and the Perks of the Job

• Theo then transitions to discussing the challenges of being a mall cop, particularly when it comes to interacting with attractive women. He mentions that mall cops can easily get away with "mall stalking" because they have a badge and uniform.
• Theo shares a personal anecdote about how he used to "walk" girls into the movie theater, claiming that he would find their purses and then escort them in. He admits that this was a way to get "easy numbers" from girls.
• Theo concludes by saying that he never pursued women he met at the mall, despite the opportunities that came with being a mall cop.

Mall Security Rivalries and Lost Children

• Mall cops often have rivalries with other mall cops, especially when they are off duty and visit each other's malls.
• One mall cop tried to organize a softball tournament between mall security teams.
• The mall cop had a near-miss kidnapping situation on his day off, where a woman was trying to lure children away from their parents.
• Lost children are a common occurrence for mall cops, with four out of five days involving a lost child situation.
• The most common cause of lost children is parents being distracted and not paying attention to their kids.
• One mall cop found a lost child who had wandered across the entire mall and was playing with toys in a toy store.
• The mall cop finds lost child situations scary because he is a parent himself.
• The speaker discusses the challenges of dealing with lost children in a mall, especially during busy holiday seasons.
• They mention that the mall's PA system is often used to announce missing children, and that parents usually respond quickly to such announcements.

The Mall Food Court

• The speaker reminisces about the food court in malls, specifically mentioning Sabaro's pizza as a popular choice.
• They highlight the convenience of food courts, particularly the quick service and the discounts available to regulars.
• The speaker shares their experience with a Rubio's restaurant opening in their mall, which they initially thought would be a healthier option but ultimately led to them consuming a lot of tortillas.
• They discuss the removal of a McDonald's from their mall, explaining that it was done to prevent the fast food chain from dominating the food court business.
• The speaker fondly remembers Mrs. Fields cookies, particularly the cookie cakes that were often purchased for birthdays.
• They reveal that they used to get leftover Mrs. Fields cookies after closing time, often sharing them with friends and even using them as birthday gifts.

The Weirdest Mall Stores

• Theo Von discusses the weirdest mall store he encountered, FYE, which he describes as a place where "fake movie buffs" worked. He compares it to Hot Topic and Music Trader, suggesting that FYE employees were not cool enough to work at those stores.
• He mentions that FYE had some good finds, like "scarfed porn," but overall, it was a strange store with strange employees.
• He then talks about Abercrombie & Fitch, which he avoided for a year because he felt it was only for attractive people. He found it intimidating and even mentions the controversy surrounding the brand's use of naked children in their advertising.

The Freedom of Being a Mall Cop

• Theo Von shares his experience working as a mall cop, highlighting the leniency of the job and the freedom it provided. He mentions that he enjoyed the lack of a boss, the ability to go places without being questioned, and the abundance of hiding places for his "resources."
• He emphasizes that people-watching was a great aspect of the job, and he enjoyed the independence of being a mall cop.
• He concludes by stating that most mall security guards are stoned and that being high was a common occurrence for him while working as a mall cop.

Mall Security and the Consequences of Inaction

• Gus Parson, a mall cop, admits to forgetting about a missing child he was tasked with finding and instead buying a pretzel.
• He also recounts a time when he was high in the parking lot and received a call about an abusive boyfriend who had returned to the mall.
• Despite promising to respond, Gus continued smoking and scrolling through his phone.
• When he received a second call informing him that the boyfriend had hit the girl, Gus panicked and faked a rolled ankle to avoid having to go to the scene.
• He admits to feeling bad about not being there to help the girl and acknowledges that he underestimated the seriousness of the situation.
• Theo Von, the host of the podcast, jokes that Gus was too busy getting high to help.
• Gus expresses gratitude for Theo's appreciation of his work as a mall cop.