Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes!

09 Dec 2024 (9 days ago)

Intro (0s)

Research shows that the brain is 12.5 times more likely to believe gestures over words, as it is difficult to lie with gestures (0s).
A simple experiment demonstrates the difficulty of lying with gestures, such as saying the number five while holding up three fingers (10s).
Behavioral investigator Vanessa van Edwards has used science-backed research to revolutionize the way people build confidence and create authentic relationships through body language, micro-expressions, vocal tones, and first impressions (30s).
Highly successful people speak a hidden language, and knowing this language can improve social and professional interactions (42s).
Research has shown that sitting within 25 feet of a high performer can improve one's own performance by 15% (51s).
There is a direct correlation between confidence and anxiety and the distance between the shoulder and ear (58s).
82% of impressions of people are based on warmth and competence, which can impact how seriously people are taken and their ability to get raises (1m3s).
Five power cues for competence and five warmth cues can be used to improve interactions and relationships (1m12s).
A study found that it is impossible to be attracted to someone who is not showing warmth and competence through their body language (1m24s).
The host asks for a favor, requesting that listeners subscribe to the show in exchange for a commitment to improve the show based on feedback (1m38s).
The host introduces Vanessa van Edwards, a behavioral investigator, and invites her to share why listeners should stay and listen to the conversation (2m11s).

The Crucial Role of Cues for Success (2m13s)

Highly successful people speak a hidden language of cues, and being able to read and control these cues is crucial for success (2m14s).
82% of our impressions of people are based on warmth and competence, so controlling these cues can significantly impact our impression and memorability (2m36s).
Warmth and competence cues are critical to being more confident, having clearer communication, and achieving success in various areas of life (2m42s).
Controlling communication through warmth and competence cues can have a significant impact on relationships, friendships, career advancement, and overall confidence (3m7s).
Intelligence alone is not enough to guarantee good relationships or career success; knowing how to communicate with people is essential (3m10s).
Being able to control communication can help individuals avoid being overlooked or misunderstood, leading to better friendships, partnerships, and career opportunities (3m31s).
Mastering the language of cues can also increase confidence in social situations, such as walking into a room (3m40s).

I'm a Recovered Awkward Person (3m45s)

Research on charisma and communication is based on personal experience as a recovering awkward person who used to believe charisma was genetic, but discovered in 2002 that charisma can be learned (3m51s).
This discovery led to a journey of figuring out how to learn charisma, blueprints for conversation, and frameworks for connecting and socializing (4m5s).
As a behavioral researcher and bestselling author on communication, the focus is on helping brilliant, smart, and awkward individuals overcome their awkwardness and gain confidence (4m21s).
A framework was developed about 12 years ago, which has helped 400,000 students learn, master, and conquer awkwardness, with various goals such as professional advancement, making friends, or finding a partner (4m36s).
The framework is effective, but nobody typically teaches this type of information, and most resources are written by extroverts, making it challenging for introverts to learn how to communicate confidently (4m58s).
The goal is to teach introverts and ambiverts (individuals who are neither purely introverted nor extroverted) to feel confident without having to fake it or pretend to be extroverted (5m24s).
The term "ambivert" refers to individuals who are not naturally extroverted, but also not purely introverted, and this is the category the researcher identifies with (5m16s).

What's an Ambivert (5m36s)

Ambiverts get energy from the right people in the right places, and they can dial up extroversion to hit their goals, but they need lots of recharge time (5m37s).
It's essential for ambiverts to know what people and places drain them, as certain individuals can take away their energy and not bring out their extroversion or natural love of people (6m2s).
Ambiverts should make a list of people who give them energy and those who take from them, and set boundaries around the latter to limit interactions as much as possible (6m26s).
Knowing the places where ambiverts thrive, such as conferences, one-on-one business, or socializing with friends, helps them optimize their social battery (6m37s).
Cues come into four different channels: body language (facial expressions, gestures, posture), vocal cues (tone, pace, volume, cadence), verbal cues (the types of words used), and ornaments (colors, jewelry, hairstyle, facial hair) (6m54s).
Verbal cues, such as the types of words used, signal warmth and competence to others, while ornaments also convey different messages or create a certain impression (7m12s).

One Word Can Change the Way People Think (7m28s)

A study was conducted where participants were divided into two groups and played the same game, but with different labels: the "Community Game" and the "Wall Street Game" (7m45s).
The results showed that participants who played the "Community Game" shared an average of two-thirds of their profits, while those who played the "Wall Street Game" shared an average of one-third of their profits (8m14s).
This study demonstrates that the words used can influence people's behavior and actions, with the word "Community" making people think and feel more collaboratively (8m20s).
The words used in emails, subjects, texts, and LinkedIn profile headlines can also cue people on how to treat others (8m29s).
Using words like "collaborative", "teamwork", and "collab session" in calendar invites can prime people to feel or think a certain way and set them up for success (9m0s).
Even a single word can change the way people think, and using words like "collaborate" can make people more likely to be collaborative (9m18s).
Understanding the power of words and using them effectively can make a significant difference in personal and professional relationships, and can be a key factor in achieving success (9m36s).

The Most Fundamental Skill to Invest In (9m39s)

People skills are considered the most fundamental skill to invest in, as they are crucial for success in life, love, and business, regardless of one's intelligence or talent (9m39s).
Having people skills is essential for building connections, making friends, and finding partners, as well as for getting one's ideas across and achieving success (9m50s).
Some individuals, often highly intelligent and talented, struggle with people skills due to their tendency to be stoic and unreadable, which can lead to people disliking and mistrusting them (10m21s).
Trying to be stoic and unreadable can be a "danger zone" cue, making it difficult for others to get a read on the person and leading to social difficulties (11m3s).
The biggest transformations occur when individuals learn to amplify their true feelings with the right cues, rather than hiding them (11m12s).
A notable example of this is Jamie Siminoff, the founder of Ring, who pitched a billion-dollar idea on Shark Tank but received pushback and failed to secure a deal due to his inability to effectively share his idea (11m19s).
Many people struggle with feelings of being overwhelmed, underestimated, and lacking confidence in social interactions, fearing that being their true selves will lead to rejection (12m5s).
However, it is possible to be oneself and be liked, and to find one's people by signaling the right cues, which can help others understand how to treat them (12m28s).

The Resting B*tch Face Effect (12m41s)

The concept of "Resting B*tch Face" (RBF) or "Resting Bothered Face" refers to the facial expression people have when they are not actively smiling or showing emotions, and it can greatly impact how others perceive them (12m45s).
Everyone has a unique resting face, and it's essential to be aware of how one's face looks at rest to avoid giving the wrong impression (13m3s).
A person's resting face can make them appear sad, angry, or tired, even if they're not feeling that way, and it's crucial to counteract this with positive cues (13m45s).
Certain facial features, such as a mouth that angles down, a lot of hood above the eyes, or vertical lines between the eyebrows, can contribute to a negative impression (13m49s).
Makeup can be used to counteract a negative resting face, but it's also important to be mindful of one's facial expressions and make an effort to appear more positive (14m19s).
Consciously telling oneself to rest their face in a more upward position can help to give a more positive impression, especially when meeting new people or trying to make a good impression (14m38s).
It's essential to know what one's resting default is and to be aware of how it may be perceived by others (14m52s).
Some people may have a resting face that appears afraid, characterized by raised eyebrows and visible whites of the eyes, which can make others feel anxious (15m10s).
To avoid giving the wrong impression, it's recommended to check profile pictures and be mindful of showing the upper whites of the eyes or making contempt micro-expressions (15m34s).
Three common mistakes people make with their resting face are showing the upper whites of their eyes, making contempt micro-expressions, and having a default expression that appears sad, angry, or afraid (15m39s).

Do Not Fake Smile! (16m1s)

Faking a smile can make people feel better due to the facial feedback hypothesis, which states that making a face can trigger the corresponding emotion, creating a loop between the face and the emotion (16m2s).
An asymmetrical smile in a profile picture can accidentally signal negativity, as it is associated with scorn and disdain (16m23s).
The only true indicator of happiness in a smile is the activation of the cheek muscles, which cannot be easily faked (16m34s).
Faking a smile can be done by anyone, but it is not a reliable indicator of happiness, and people can usually tell the difference (16m39s).
Smiling without showing teeth can still be effective as long as it reaches the upper cheek muscle, which can be achieved by placing a pen or finger between the mouth and smiling as high as possible (17m7s).
Activating the cheek muscles in a profile picture can show authentic happiness, and it is recommended to either smile authentically or not at all (17m32s).
Dr. Barbara Wild's study found that people who saw a picture of someone with an authentic smile had an improved mood, while those who saw a fake smile had no mood change (18m0s).
It is recommended to avoid fake smiling, as it can have no positive effect on others, and it is better to have no smile at all or be neutral than to fake a smile (18m10s).

The 97 Cues to Be Warm & Competent (18m29s)

Some people have a "resting bothered face" that can give the impression they are unhappy or upset, even when they are not, while others have a "resting smile" that makes them appear happy (18m29s).
It can be exhausting to deal with people who misinterpret one's facial expressions, and it may be more exhausting to try to change one's natural expression to make a good impression (18m58s).
There are 97 cues that can be used to convey warmth and competence, and individuals can choose the ones that work best for them to create their own "recipe" for charisma (19m12s).
Being charismatic is not just about being warm and friendly, but also about being competent, and there are many different ways to convey these qualities (19m25s).
Not everyone needs to be a bubbly extrovert to be charismatic; introverts and people with different personalities can also be charismatic in their own way (19m33s).
Research has shown that some people's facial expressions at rest can be misinterpreted by others, with some people appearing angry, sad, or afraid even when they are not (20m8s).
Very few people have a naturally "happy resting face," with most people appearing neutral or bothered (20m19s).
The concept of being a "recovering awkward person" refers to someone who has struggled with social interactions and feelings of awkwardness, but has worked to overcome these challenges (20m25s).
Being an awkward person can involve feeling overwhelmed by social interactions, not knowing what to say or do, and struggling to form connections with others (20m34s).
Overcoming awkwardness can involve finding ways to connect with others, such as through shared interests or activities, and practicing social skills to become more confident and competent (21m25s).

The Formula to a Perfect Conversation (21m44s)

A personal journey to improve conversation skills began in college, where a group paper assignment led to a realization that working with people was a crucial aspect of the project, not just writing the paper (21m44s).
A professor suggested studying good conversation like a science, which led to the creation of conversational blueprints and a conversation formula (22m25s).
This approach turned soft skills into hard skills, allowing for the development of tools to connect with others and make friends, as it did not come naturally (22m47s).
The journey to improve conversation skills was not immediate, and it took time and practice to feel more confident and comfortable in social situations (23m8s).
A common misconception is that reading a book or getting tips and tricks can instantly change someone's behavior, but it often takes time and effort to see results (23m16s).
One of the first tools developed was a set of questions to ask during conversations, including those for first impressions and closing conversations (23m36s).
Later in life, it was discovered that some people misinterpret neutral facial expressions as negative, which can create a bad loop of assuming someone doesn't like you and becoming more unlikable (23m59s).
A study by Dr. Van Sloan found patterns that make popular kids popular, which involved studying thousands of high school students across various high schools (24m21s).

Science Reveals Why Some People Are Extremely Popular (24m37s)

A study ranked kids across schools and analyzed their traits to determine what made the popular kids popular, and the single variable that held true across all students was that the most popular kids had the longest list of people they liked (25m16s).
These popular kids had micro moments of liking, where they would greet people in the hallway, making them more likable, and this shows that being likable means being the first to like others (25m34s).
Being likable is not about being impressive or funny, but rather about liking as many people as possible, which is a shift from the common selfish way of thinking that it's all about oneself (26m2s).
Some people may struggle with liking others due to past negative interactions or asking the wrong questions, but changing one's approach can help (26m36s).
The best way to be likable is to help people feel liked, which can be achieved by aggressively liking others and giving them verbal and non-verbal assurances of one's interest (27m0s).
Using "magic phrases" such as "I was just thinking of you" can help show others that you like and care about them, and can be used authentically in various situations (27m27s).
This phrase can be used when thinking of someone, seeing something that reminds you of them, or simply to check in and show interest in their life (27m45s).
Using such phrases can help transform relationships and make others feel more liked and appreciated (27m14s).

Message People Telling Them This… (28m34s)

Reaching out to people by sending them a message saying "I was just thinking of you" can be a good way to reconnect, but it should be done naturally and not forced, such as when something reminds you of them in your daily life (28m44s).
This approach is less work than trying to come up with something to say to an old friend you haven't spoken to in a while, and it can be more meaningful than generic small talk (29m6s).
However, some people may be concerned that sending these messages will open up conversations that they don't want to have, especially with acquaintances or people they don't know well (29m48s).
A good test to determine whether to reach out to someone is to ask yourself if you're willing to have a conversation with them and hear about their life, and if not, it's probably best not to text them (30m10s).
There are three levels of intimacy in relationships: level one, where you know general traits about someone, such as where they work or live; level two, where you know someone's personal concerns, goals, and motivations; and level three, which is the deepest level, where you know someone's self-narrative, or the story they tell themselves about themselves (30m24s).
Categorizing relationships into these three levels can be a helpful exercise, and can help you determine which relationships to invest in and which to keep at a distance (30m52s).
Self-narrative is a deep level of intimacy that involves knowing the story someone tells themselves about themselves, and is the subject of ongoing research (31m24s).
A self-narrative is the story a person tells themselves about themselves, and it's essential to know this narrative for the closest people in one's life and oneself (31m29s).
There are three main types of narratives: the Hero narrative, the Healer narrative, and the Victim narrative (31m47s).
The Hero narrative is about overcoming challenges and mistakes through hard work and intelligence, and people with this narrative tend to have a consistent story across different areas of their life (31m55s).
The Healer narrative is about helping others, and people with this narrative often work in careers of service, such as physical therapists, nurses, and healthcare professionals (32m16s).
However, people with the Healer narrative may have a problem with putting others' needs before their own, often due to historic trauma or being put in a caretaking position too early in life (32m29s).
People with the Healer narrative tend to be people-pleasers and may say yes to too many requests, which can be challenging to work with (32m51s).
The Victim narrative is about experiencing challenges and mistakes without overcoming them, and people with this narrative often feel that the world is against them (32m59s).
To uncover one's self-narrative, it's essential to ask oneself if they feel lucky, as this can help identify their underlying narrative (33m17s).

The Luck Experiment (33m22s)

People who perceive themselves as lucky are more likely to be heroes or healers, while those who feel unlucky are typically victims, according to Dr. Richard Wiseman's study (33m25s).
In the study, participants were asked to count the number of images in a newspaper, but there was a trick: on the second page, in big print, it said "stop counting, there are 42 images in this newspaper" (33m51s).
Almost all the people who perceived themselves as lucky saw the ad, closed the paper, and gave it back, while almost none of the unlucky people did, missing the ad and continuing to count, making more mistakes (34m1s).
This suggests that people who think of themselves as lucky literally see more opportunities, while those who think of themselves as unlucky miss them (34m17s).
It is possible to change how one sees themselves by adopting a growth mindset and starting with small moments of heroism, such as changing people skills or conversation abilities (34m28s).
By taking tiny experiments and changing them one by one, individuals can begin to have small moments of heroism and change their self-narrative (34m58s).

Being Around Successful People Is Contagious (35m5s)

Research has shown that hidden communication can significantly impact success in the working environment, with a study of 58,000 working hours across 11 companies revealing that sitting within 25 feet of a high performer can improve one's own performance by 15%, while sitting near a low performer can decrease performance by 30% (35m36s).
This suggests that negative emotions are more contagious than positive ones, and being around people with negative cues, such as anxiety or low confidence, can affect one's own performance (36m12s).
It is crucial to invest in the people one spends the most time with, as their cues can be "caught" and impact one's own motivation and feelings (36m28s).
A study on the chemical aspect of communication found that people can literally "smell fear" through sweat, with participants who smelled sweat from skydivers experiencing an activation in their own fear response, while those who smelled sweat from treadmill runners showed no change (36m50s).
This highlights the importance of following one's gut and being aware of the chemical cues that can be picked up from others (37m56s).
Intention is key to confidence, and while it can be challenging to fake confidence, having a positive intention can lead to better conversations, reduced nervousness, and increased charisma (38m12s).
A conversational tool can help individuals become more excited, ask better questions, and feel more likable, creating a positive cycle in interactions with others (38m19s).
The Q cycle is a process where people send and receive signals, but also internalize them, which can change the cues they send back, and this cycle can be influenced by both positive and negative cues (38m41s).
A study showed that when a participant received a social rejection cue, such as an eye roll or a scoff, their pupils dilated and their field of vision increased, indicating a fight or flight response (40m1s).
This response can lead to feelings of anxiety and nervousness, and can change the cues a person sends back to others, creating a negative cycle (40m30s).
However, labeling or naming the cue can stop the negative cycle, as shown in a study by Dr. Matthew Lieberman at UCLA, where participants who were taught to label a fear micro-expression were able to stop their amygdala from activating (40m48s).
Labeling or naming a cue can be a powerful tool for gaining control over one's emotions and interactions with others, and can be done by simply saying to oneself "noted" or "clocked" when recognizing a negative cue (41m23s).
This technique can also help people who struggle with liking others, by allowing them to acknowledge and manage their negative emotions in social interactions (41m37s).

The Importance of Hand Gestures (41m55s)

Hand gestures are contagious and play a significant role in non-verbal communication, as they can convey intentions and emotions (41m56s).
The use of hand gestures can be observed in public figures, such as Donald Trump, who uses a lot of hand gestures, highlighting their importance in communication (42m10s).
Hand gestures are considered "windows into the soul" and have the power to influence how others perceive us (42m15s).
When hands are hidden from view, the brain can become distracted and the amygdala can start to fire, leading to feelings of unease or distrust (42m40s).
From an evolutionary perspective, visible hands can indicate friendly intentions, as they show that a person is not carrying a weapon (42m55s).
When meeting someone, it is essential to make hand gestures visible, such as putting hands up or out, to convey friendly intentions and build trust (43m21s).
Even in virtual meetings, such as on Zoom, making hand gestures visible can help establish a connection and create a positive atmosphere (43m35s).

Hand Tricks to Be Liked (43m38s)

When meeting someone in person or on video, try to flash your palm as it makes people feel like you are open and honest (43m51s).
Highly competent people can speak to others verbally and with their hands, making hand gestures an important aspect of communication (44m1s).
The most viral TED Talks feature speakers who use an average of 465 hand gestures in 18 minutes, while the least popular TED Talks feature speakers who use an average of 271 gestures (44m40s).
When speaking, people tend to listen to words and look at hand gestures to see if they are congruent, making it difficult to lie with gestures (44m15s).
Using hand gestures to outline and emphasize points can make a speaker appear more charismatic and confident (45m26s).
Hand gestures can be used to convey the size or importance of an idea, with larger gestures indicating bigger ideas and smaller gestures indicating smaller ideas (45m35s).
It is difficult to lie with hand gestures, as the brain is not meant to be incongruent with gestures, which is why people pay close attention to them (46m16s).
Liars tend to use fewer gestures, while people who are confident and honest tend to use more gestures (46m26s).
The use of hand gestures is more related to engagement than confidence or nerves, as it helps to convey enthusiasm and emphasis (47m1s).
Speakers who use gestures are more engaging and expressive, which can lead to more intonations in their voice, making their content more retentive for the algorithm and increasing views (47m43s).
Using hand gestures can make a speaker appear more competent, and even a thumbnail of a speaker using a hand gesture can get more clicks than one with a facial expression (48m17s).
Vocal variety is an important aspect of charisma, and it is linked to gestures in a feedback loop, where restricting movement can lead to less charismatic facial expressions and vocal tone (48m50s).
Vocal variety is critical for conveying both warmth and competence, and good speakers use different tones for different types of information, such as a "Ted Talk voice" for important points, a "numbers voice" for statistics, and a "story tone" for anecdotes (49m6s).
Using different vocal varieties can make a speaker more engaging and help the listener follow the structure of the talk, as it provides a clear outline of the content (49m52s).
The use of gestures and vocal variety can be affected by factors such as over-rehearsing or holding a podium or clicker too tightly, which can restrict movement and lead to a less engaging presentation (47m28s).
Chairs with arms can make people less expressive and lead to less interesting conversations, especially when the chair is positioned far from the table, as it may cause individuals to lean back and put their hands in their lap, making them appear less engaged (50m37s).
Using a chair with arms can broaden one's arms out, but this is only effective when the chair is positioned close to the table, allowing individuals to place their hands on the table (51m9s).
The physical environment can significantly impact how people are perceived and how they move, highlighting the importance of being intentional about body language and positioning (51m16s).
Mirroring body language and positioning oneself head-on with the conversation partner can create a more intimate and engaging conversation (51m25s).
The ideal distance between two people having a conversation is about arm's length, allowing them to shake hands if desired, which falls within the personal zone of proxemics (51m46s).
There are four different proxemic zones: the public zone (5-8 feet away), the social zone (3-5 feet away), the personal zone (arm's length), and the intimate zone (51m59s).
Placing a video camera too close to one's face can accidentally signal intimacy cues and make others feel uncomfortable, so it's recommended to position the camera at least one arm's length away (about 1.5-3 feet) (52m46s).
FaceTime can feel intimate, especially for introverts, because it creates a setup that tricks people into being in the intimate zone with someone, similar to how loud bars and nightclubs facilitate romantic relationships by forcing people to stand closer together due to the noise (53m12s).
In loud bars and nightclubs, the noise level makes it difficult for people to hear each other, leading them to stand closer and accidentally enter each other's intimate zone, which can trigger a cycle of feelings of intimacy and increase the desire for physical touch (53m33s).
The intimate zone is a personal space where people feel comfortable with physical touch and intimacy, and entering this zone can create feelings of closeness and intimacy, even if it's accidental (53m46s).
The book "The Game" by Neil Strauss was mentioned as a relevant reference, and it was ordered by the speaker's older brother, Jason, while he was at university (54m10s).

The Scientific Formula to Be More Charismatic (54m15s)

Charisma is composed of two main components: warmth and competence, which signal trust, likeability, friendliness, power, reliability, and capability, making up 82% of impressions of people (55m15s).
Highly charismatic people are able to signal both high warmth and high competence simultaneously, making others trust and like them while also perceiving them as reliable and competent (55m25s).
Individuals can lean more towards either warmth or competence, and being aware of this can help them adjust their behavior to achieve their desired impression (55m38s).
Research by Dr. Susan Fisk in 2002 found that charisma is based on signaling high warmth and high competence (55m2s).
There are differences in how men and women are perceived, with men often defaulting to higher competence and women to higher warmth, but these are general trends and not absolute (56m8s).
To change how others perceive them, individuals can "dial up" either their warmth cues or competence cues, which can affect how people treat them (56m36s).
There are five power cues for competence and five warm cues for warmth that can be used to adjust one's behavior and impression (56m41s).

The Danger Zone of Being Too Warm or Competent (56m47s)

There is a "danger zone" where individuals are perceived as having low warmth and low competence, making it difficult for others to trust and work with them (56m54s).
People who are very smart and competent may rely too heavily on their ideas and book smarts, neglecting to send warmth cues, which can lead to difficulties in communicating and building trust with others (57m12s).
The example of Jamie Simmon from "The Tank" is given, where he failed to show enough warmth or competence cues, relying solely on his ideas and numbers, and was unable to secure a deal (57m22s).
Highly competent individuals who do not show enough warmth can come across as suspicious, leading others to be skeptical of their ideas (57m40s).
On the other hand, being too warm can also be detrimental, as excessive warmth cues such as nodding, laughing, or vocalizations can make a person appear incompetent or untrustworthy (58m16s).
Too much warmth can take away from a person's perceived competence, and finding a balance between warmth and competence is essential for effective communication and building trust with others (58m41s).

The Power Cues (58m45s)

The "steeple" hand gesture, where the hands are relaxed and form a triangle shape, is a power pose that conveys competence and confidence, as it shows the palms while keeping the hands together in a still position (58m59s).
This hand gesture was found to be the highest-rated hand gesture made by leaders in a study, but it's essential to avoid drumming fingers, which can give a negative impression (59m33s).
A picture of Vanessa, the author, on the cover of her book, showcases a perfect balance of power and warmth cues, including the steeple gesture, angled body, smoldering eye contact, and an upturned face (1h0m17s).
The distance between the earlobe and shoulder is a crucial measurement, as a smaller distance can make a person appear anxious and less confident, while a more relaxed distance conveys confidence and trustworthiness (1h0m56s).
Maintaining a relaxed distance between the earlobe and shoulder is essential for making a good first impression and in profile pictures, as it shows confidence and reduces the perception of anxiety (1h1m40s).
When sitting, having a table setup that allows for a maximum distance between the shoulders can make a person appear and feel more confident, as it enables them to steeple and roll their shoulders down and back (1h1m48s).
Maintaining a level chin and avoiding looking down at someone is recommended, as looking down can be perceived as scornful or judgmental (1h2m11s).
Maximizing the distance between the ears and shoulders can also contribute to a more confident appearance (1h2m24s).
Good eye contact is a power move, and highly competent people tend to make eye contact specifically at the end of their sentences to drill a point (1h2m59s).
The ideal amount of eye contact in Western culture is between 60 and 70% of the conversation, as making over 70% eye contact can be considered a territorial gesture (1h3m30s).
A lower lid Flex, where the lower eyelids are hardened, is a powerful cue that can be used to show focus and understanding, and is often utilized by people who are considered attractive or confident (1h4m0s).
The lower lid flex is a subtle body language cue that indicates focus and intensity, often making the person exhibiting this cue appear more attractive and engaged, particularly in situations where they are listening intently to someone else (1h5m1s).
The lower lid flex is not inherently positive, but rather a cue of focus, and can be an indicator that someone is interested in what is being said or is trying to understand the information being presented (1h5m22s).
Noticing the lower lid flex can be incredibly important in situations such as sales meetings or presentations, as it can provide a hint of skepticism or confusion that needs to be addressed before moving on (1h6m57s).
Failing to investigate the lower lid flex can lead to misinterpretation of the cue, potentially causing the presenter to lose confidence and become less effective (1h7m16s).
Oxytocin, often referred to as the hormone of love and connection, is also used in medical settings to induce labor in women, and understanding the context of this hormone is crucial to avoid confusion or skepticism (1h5m44s).
Recognizing and understanding body language cues like the lower lid flex can help individuals more deeply understand people, potentially leading to improved relationships and a more positive outlook on interactions with others (1h7m46s).

How to Spot a Liar (1h7m55s)

Vocal cues, such as tone and inflection, play a significant role in conveying emotions and intentions, and can greatly impact how others perceive us (1h7m56s).
An "accidental question inflection" occurs when a statement sounds like a question due to a rising tone at the end, which can lead to the listener scrutinizing the speaker's intentions (1h8m11s).
Research has shown that people who use accidental question inflections are often perceived as less confident or even dishonest, as liars tend to use this inflection when telling a lie (1h8m35s).
A study found that people who told lies often used a question inflection when stating their false claim, as if asking the listener to believe them (1h9m4s).
Using a downward inflection, on the other hand, can convey confidence and authority, as seen in the speaking style of highly competent individuals like President Obama (1h10m5s).
When asking for something, such as a raise or a sale, using a question inflection can undermine one's confidence and invite negotiation, whereas a downward inflection can assert one's value (1h9m34s).
When introducing oneself, using a statement instead of a question can greatly impact how others perceive one's confidence and charisma, as demonstrated by the difference between saying "My name is Vanessa van Edwards" versus "My name is Vanessa van Edwards?" (1h11m0s).
A study on surgeons found that their vocal statements, including tone and inflection, can affect how others perceive their confidence and competence (1h11m17s).
Researchers recorded 10-second voice tone clips of surgeons introducing themselves, which included their name, specialty, and workplace, and then altered the clips to remove the actual words, leaving only the volume, pace, and cadence. (1h11m27s)
People were asked to rate these surgeons on warmth and competence based on the altered clips, and the results showed that the doctors with the lowest ratings had the highest rate of malpractice lawsuits. (1h11m57s)
This suggests that people's perception of a doctor's skills, rather than their actual skills, is what leads to lawsuits, and this perception is formed within the first few seconds of hearing them. (1h12m10s)
When introducing oneself, it's essential to practice and deliver the introduction with conviction, avoiding upward inflections that can make it sound like a question, as this can lead to people doubting one's confidence and competence. (1h12m53s)
Using downward inflection when speaking, except when asking questions, can help convey confidence and competence, and is a trait often found in people who are perceived as charismatic. (1h13m21s)
People often overassume that others can read their thoughts and feelings, a phenomenon known as signal amplification bias, and it's essential to explicitly express one's thoughts and feelings rather than relying on nonverbal cues. (1h14m7s)
Using phrases like "I was just thinking of you" or "You're always so " can be effective ways to assure someone that you value or appreciate them, but it's essential to be genuine and only use these phrases if they're true. (1h14m24s)
Giving someone a positive label is considered the best gift, as it counters the signal amplification bias. (1h14m44s)
People feel honored when they are given brain space and remembered, especially when something they previously lit up about is brought up again. (1h14m51s)
Three magic phrases can be used to fight signal implication bias, although the specific phrases are not mentioned in this segment. (1h15m6s)
Broadcasting positive signals and symbols can increase the likelihood that people will like you. (1h15m17s)

If You've Been Told You're Intimidating, Do This (1h15m23s)

Five warmth cues are recommended for individuals who have been told they are intimidating, hard to talk to, or cold, and often feel like people are holding back or not opening up to them, with the first cue being a triple nod, which can encourage the other person to speak 67% longer if done slowly (1h16m24s).
A triple nod should be done carefully, avoiding bobbleheading or doing it too fast, as this can convey impatience, and instead, it should be used as a non-verbal cue to encourage the other person to continue speaking (1h16m42s).
The second warmth cue is a head tilt, which is a universal sign of trying to hear something and can make the person delivering bad news more likable if done with a slight head tilt (1h17m23s).
A head tilt can also be used to add warmth to a conversation or interview, but it should be done subtly and not excessively, as this can look weird (1h17m58s).
For individuals who are "bobble headers" and tend to nod too much, replacing this behavior with a head tilt can be an effective way to train themselves to show they are listening without overdoing it (1h18m12s).

Don't Let Anyone Use This With You (1h18m37s)

A head tilt can signal that someone cares and is empathetic, and even a small gesture like this can make a big difference in how a message is received (1h18m37s).
Some people, including those in the NLP and pickup artist communities, use a manipulative technique where they move their hand in a nodding motion to get others to agree with them, and this can be done subtly to influence an entire audience (1h19m17s).
This technique works because when someone moves their hand in a nodding motion, the other person is likely to start nodding as well, which can make them feel like they agree with the person, even if they don't consciously realize it (1h19m25s).
To avoid being manipulated by this technique, it's essential to be aware of it and not let others use it on you, and it's also important not to use it on others yourself (1h19m51s).
A genuine smile that reaches the eyes is a sign of warmth and can make a person more likable, but a fake smile can have the opposite effect (1h20m23s).
Authentic body language, including a genuine smile, can make a person appear more trustworthy and likable, and it's essential to be authentic in your body language to build trust with others (1h20m29s).
Leaning in when speaking or listening to someone can show that you're interested and engaged, and it can help to build a connection with the other person (1h20m58s).
Highly charismatic people often use leaning in as a way to build rapport with others, and it can be an effective way to show that you're interested in what someone is saying (1h21m14s).
As a speaker, leaning in when making an important point can help to add emphasis and make the message more engaging, and as a listener, leaning in can show that you're interested and engaged (1h21m25s).

The 6 Questions to Connect With Someone (1h21m45s)

When around certain people, some individuals may experience discomfort or unease, causing them to overthink their body language and unintentionally display defensive or closed-off cues, such as crossing their legs or covering themselves, which can be an indication of underlying issues in the relationship (1h21m45s).
Gut feelings and subconscious cues can be important indicators of the dynamics at play in a relationship, and it may be necessary to do more research to understand the underlying causes of these feelings (1h22m32s).
It's possible that the discomfort or unease is a result of a loop where both parties are expecting a negative interaction, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and breaking this cycle may require a conscious effort to change one's approach (1h23m0s).
To break this cycle and build a more positive connection with someone, it can be helpful to ask questions that promote deeper understanding and commonality, rather than sticking to superficial small talk (1h23m29s).
Research suggests that finding commonalities with someone can increase compassion, understanding, and liking for that person, and asking the right questions can help to level up a relationship and build a stronger connection (1h23m41s).
A set of questions, categorized into levels, can be used to facilitate deeper connections with others, including questions such as "Are you working on anything exciting recently?" which can help to move beyond superficial conversations and build a more meaningful relationship (1h24m21s).
Asking someone "what do you do" can be perceived as rude, as it implies that a person's worth is defined by their job, and it's recommended to avoid this question for 30 days and replace it with more meaningful conversations (1h24m44s).
A better approach is to ask "working on anything exciting these days" or "working on anything exciting right now," which gives the other person permission to share something they're passionate about and provides a good conversation starter for future interactions (1h25m49s).
Asking someone about their biggest goal can elicit one of two responses: either they'll shut down the conversation or they'll open up and share their goals, which can be a great way to build a connection and follow up on their progress in the future (1h26m18s).
Asking about someone's goals can also be a useful interview question, as it can help identify people who are goal-oriented and motivated (1h26m59s).
Using "allergy questions" like "what's your biggest goal right now" can help quickly identify whether someone is a good fit for a particular group or community, and can create a sense of connection with like-minded individuals (1h27m17s).
Self-narrative questions can help take conversations to a deeper level, but they may be more challenging to ask and answer (1h27m33s).
Asking someone which book, movie, or TV character is most like them and why can provide insight into their values and personality, and how they see themselves, which can be incredibly important and sometimes shocking (1h27m52s).
People's answers to this question can reveal how they feel about their daily life, such as feeling scared, lonely, and fighting for survival, which can be different from how others perceive them (1h28m48s).
The answer to this question can change relationships with people based on how they see themselves, not how others see them, and can lead to a deeper understanding and connection (1h29m21s).
When considering TV characters, people may initially think of someone they resemble physically, but upon further reflection, they may identify with a character who has overcome challenges and achieved success, reflecting their own personality type and journey (1h29m59s).
Identifying with a character who has overcome obstacles can indicate a sense of being the hero of one's own journey, having overcome challenges and achieved happiness, but this can also raise questions about whether one has truly "made it" or if there is still more to achieve (1h30m12s).
The idea of being at the "end of the movie" can be complex, as it may imply a sense of completion or finality, which can be difficult to reconcile with the desire to continue growing and achieving in the future (1h30m41s).
The concept of feeling like one has "made it" in life is discussed, with the idea that even when one feels successful, there is always something more to pursue or strive for (1h31m0s).
The speaker reflects on their own life, feeling fortunate and privileged to have transitioned from working in call centers to having conversations with people and sharing their thoughts with a wider audience (1h31m20s).
The speaker notes that they never imagined their life would be like this, with people knowing who they are, and that this feeling is both interesting and suspicious (1h32m18s).
The idea of chasing something is discussed, with the speaker wondering what they are chasing and what others are chasing, and noting that this pursuit is a natural part of human nature (1h32m45s).
The speaker believes that by authentically searching for their own answers, they can also help others who may be struggling with the same questions and searching for the same answers (1h33m1s).
The idea of constantly searching and pursuing is discussed, with the speaker wondering if there is a point in life where one can stop the grind and simply share wisdom and knowledge (1h33m27s).
The speaker hopes that there is a stage in life where they can transition from pursuing goals and numbers to simply sharing wisdom and giving out public education (1h34m1s).
The topic of discussion is about body language mistakes that make people dislike others, specifically focusing on the fifth point, which is "Lean", and was previously mentioned as the fourth point (1h34m11s).
The fifth point, "Lean", is further emphasized and explored in more detail (1h34m14s).
A book is referenced as the source of information about the topic of "Lean" in body language (1h34m19s).
The discussion is paused to ask a question about the information read in the book regarding "Lean" (1h34m18s).

Leaning Too Much Towards Someone… (1h34m20s)

Peacocking is a concept where leaning in too much on a date or when showing interest in someone can signal low value and over-interest, making the other person feel uneasy and view the person as submissive rather than an equal (1h34m21s).
Leaning in too much can be seen as a bow or submissive behavior, which can make the other person feel uncomfortable and not want to be in an unequal relationship (1h35m24s).
It's essential to balance leaning in, as doing it the entire time can make a person look like a hunchback and distract from the conversation (1h35m57s).
Leaning in should be used as a highlight or emphasis, like a bold or italic font, to add power to a conversation, but not overused (1h36m5s).
Non-verbal bridges, such as leaning in, reaching out, hand gestures, nods, and foot movement, can help bridge the distance between people and create a more engaging conversation (1h37m10s).
In a speed networking experiment, it was found that people who used non-verbal bridges, such as leaning in and reaching out, had more successful conversations and were more likely to connect with others (1h36m40s).
Certain questions and conversation starters worked better than others in creating a positive and engaging conversation, and using non-verbal bridges was a key factor in these successful conversations (1h36m52s).
People in good relationships often use non-verbal bridges, such as light touches on the arms or shoulders, to show affection and closeness, especially on dates or in social settings (1h37m29s).
These subtle touches can be a way of saying "I'm going to reach into your intimate zone, but I'm not going to invade it," and are often used by people in warm and comfortable relationships (1h37m56s).
Non-verbal bridges can also be achieved without physical touch, such as by leaning in close to someone or making eye contact, and can be used to create a sense of closeness and intimacy (1h38m14s).
One way to create a non-verbal bridge without physical touch is to position one's arm or body close to someone else's, creating a sense of proximity and closeness without actually touching (1h38m23s).
Serving or giving people things, such as food or drinks, can also be a way of creating a non-verbal bridge and breaking social scripts, as it shows a desire to care for and serve the other person (1h38m46s).
The act of giving or serving can be a way of looking for reasons to connect with someone and create a sense of closeness and intimacy (1h38m58s).

How to Greet Someone (1h39m3s)

Awkward hugging can be a problem, and people often don't know how to react in such situations, leading to discomfort for both parties involved (1h39m17s).
To avoid awkward greetings, it's essential to signal what kind of greeting you want from the moment someone first sees you, using simple non-verbal cues (1h39m29s).
If you want a handshake, signal it from 10 feet away by saying "so good to see you" and angling your body forward with one hand out, a technique called "blading" (1h39m38s).
If you want a hug, signal it by saying "it's so good to see you" with arms out, which will also prevent awkward side hugs (1h40m2s).
Avoid using one arm up, as it can confuse the other person and make them unsure of how to react (1h40m11s).
If you want a fist bump, signal it by coming in with a fist bump from a distance (1h40m20s).
Being overly warm and eager to hug someone, especially when first meeting, can be off-putting and may not be well-received (1h41m6s).
Signaling too much warmth can make you appear as a people pleaser, overeager, and lonely, which may not be the impression you want to give (1h41m32s).
However, if you have built a connection with someone, such as through sharing personal stories, they may feel more comfortable hugging you (1h42m1s).
A good hug should be approached equally, with no asymmetry, and the taller person should try to angle down to meet the other person at torso level, with the lower person angling up, and the hug should last around 2 seconds (1h42m57s).
When hugging, avoid tapping on the back as it can be seen as a submissive cue, and instead, aim for a gentle and equal hug (1h42m40s).
When shaking hands, a good handshake should last between 1 and 3 seconds, with 1 second for people you already know and 3 seconds for new people, and avoid shaking hands for too long as it can be seen as awkward or even offensive (1h43m28s).
When offering a handshake, make sure to offer your thumb up, as this is a sign of confidence and equality, and avoid offering your hand in a way that makes you appear submissive (1h44m12s).
Some people, like Donald Trump, use manipulative handshake techniques, such as flipping the other person's hand and pulling them off balance, which can be seen as a sign of weakness rather than strength (1h44m23s).
When interacting with others, aim for equal and respectful body language, avoiding manipulative or submissive cues, and instead, focus on building equal and respectful relationships (1h45m2s).
Cupping hands together is a warm gesture, releasing double the oxytocin and warmth, often referred to as the politician's handshake; it should only be used when genuinely trying to show warmth, as it can come across as forced if not (1h45m15s).
Men often use different types of nods when greeting familiar or unfamiliar people; a nod upwards is typically used for people they know, while a nod downwards is used for strangers, as it is a way of acknowledging someone while keeping the chin down for protection (1h45m52s).
Women do not typically use this type of nod, instead using a downwards nod to acknowledge strangers (1h46m52s).
Purposeful movement is essential for public speakers and leaders on stage, as it helps to convey confidence and avoid appearing stiff or disorganized (1h47m21s).
A suggested approach for public speakers is to block their speeches by moving subtly around the stage, starting in the middle and moving to specific points to deliver different types of content (1h47m38s).
Advanced speakers can use stage movement to help their audience organize and categorize the content, such as moving to the left side of the stage for scientific or factual information and the right side for personal stories or anecdotes (1h48m16s).
When training people, it's noticed that highly warm individuals and highly competent individuals react differently to certain cues, and recognizing these cues can help them know when to pay the most attention (1h48m38s).
For talks, considering the audience's perspective and using the stage space effectively can be beneficial, such as using the left side of the stage for the beginning of a story and moving to the right side as the story progresses (1h48m50s).
In Western cultures, people read from left to right, so starting on the left-hand side of the stage or the audience's left can be effective for telling a chronological story (1h49m14s).
When telling a story, it can be helpful to start on the left side of the stage, share the beginning of the story, and then move to the middle and finally to the right side as the story progresses, using visual aids such as slides to support the narrative (1h49m21s).
The way a speaker uses the stage space can apply not just to being on stage, but also to the content of what they are saying, and can be used to convey their message more effectively (1h49m39s).

How to Master Messaging (1h49m42s)

Effective communication, whether in-person or online, involves considering the emotions one wants to evoke in their audience, and labeling oneself with the desired emotion to convey, such as confidence and presence, to help the audience feel heard, seen, and understood (1h50m2s).
To achieve this, one must identify the pain points they want their audience to resonate with and provide a solution or mechanism to address those pain points, such as blueprints, formulas, and hard skills (1h50m56s).
Imperfection can be an asset in communication, as people are more likely to relate to and trust individuals who are authentic and vulnerable, rather than trying to be perfect (1h51m9s).
Research by Dr. Richard Wiseman found that imperfection can actually increase sales and improve perceptions, as seen in an experiment where a model selling a blender in a mall sold more blenders when she spilled a smoothie during the pitch (1h51m45s).
This phenomenon is known as the "other shoe effect," where people are more likely to trust and relate to individuals who are imperfect, as it makes them more human and authentic (1h52m50s).
The other shoe effect also suggests that people are more likely to forgive and overlook imperfections, such as spilling coffee during a job interview, and may even view the individual more positively as a result (1h52m30s).
Embracing imperfection and authenticity can be a powerful tool in communication, as it allows individuals to build trust and rapport with their audience, and can ultimately lead to more effective and engaging communication (1h52m21s).
Sharing vulnerabilities or imperfections early on in interactions, such as interviews or dates, can help others get to know you better and alleviate their concerns about not seeing your true self (1h53m26s).
When writing the introduction to her book "Captivate", Vanessa initially tried to sound like an academic researcher, but her editor, Nikki, suggested she start with her true self, leading to the opening line "Hi, I'm Vanessa, I'm a recovering awkward person" (1h53m59s).
This approach of being vulnerable and authentic helped the book become a bestseller, as it allowed readers to connect with Vanessa on a more personal level (1h54m6s).
Despite teaching charisma and body language, Vanessa still experiences awkwardness and nervousness in social situations, but has learned to deal with it and make conversations (1h54m20s).
It's essential to plan to share imperfections and not try to hide them, as this can make interactions easier and more authentic (1h54m34s).

Personal Branding (1h54m40s)

Personal branding has become increasingly important due to social media, LinkedIn, and the opportunities that come with it, such as job offers, speaking appointments, and book deals (1h54m41s).
There's a spectrum of personal branding, ranging from "ideas promotion" (showcasing one's intelligence and ideas) to "deficiency promotion" (building a brand around one's imperfections and traumas) (1h55m12s).
It's essential to be intentional about how one shows up on this spectrum, as it can become self-reinforcing and attract followers who expect a certain image (1h55m37s).
Building a brand around imperfections can be inspiring if it shows a journey of overcoming challenges, but spending too long in this space can become monotonous and unappealing (1h56m10s).
Social media has shifted from showcasing perfection to embracing imperfections, with people sharing their authentic selves and gaining popularity (1h56m57s).
Personal branding involves visual cues, such as colors, backgrounds, and props, which trigger neural networks and can attract or repel people (1h57m20s).
It's crucial to consider what neural networks are being triggered by one's personal brand, as it can create strong associations and attract like-minded individuals (1h57m50s).
Profile pictures, for example, should trigger neural networks that align with one's interests and values, making it easier to attract compatible people (1h58m1s).
The goal is to create a personal brand that activates similar neural networks in like-minded individuals, making it easier to connect and build relationships (1h58m40s).

Improve Your Dating Life With These Tips (1h59m1s)

A friend, approaching their 40s, is looking for a partner and seeking advice on their Instagram profile, which currently features 80% of pictures with them holding a cocktail or drink, giving the impression of a "party girl" rather than someone looking to settle down and have a family (1h59m1s).
This type of profile is likely to attract the wrong type of men and create the wrong impression, so it's recommended to change the pictures to showcase the type of partner and life they want, such as pictures of them working hard, hiking, or biking (1h59m41s).
The goal is to create "allergies" for the wrong type of men and attract someone who is a hard worker, loves the outdoors, and can help with bills (1h59m50s).
The friend's body language is also an issue, as they tend to take up less space and have a contracted posture, which can give the impression of being anxious or nervous (2h0m32s).
To improve this, it's recommended to work on creating distance between the arm and torso, using hand gestures, and varying vocal tone to appear more confident and open (2h1m20s).
To attract the right partner, the friend's main profile pictures should showcase warm and competent body language, such as an authentic smile, head tilt, and hand gesture, with a lot of space between the arm and torso (2h1m54s).
A symmetrical smile is important in a profile picture, as it can help avoid giving the impression of contempt or fear, and it is considered the most important aspect of a profile picture (2h2m7s).
Interpersonal body language can be challenging to correct in someone, especially as a friend (2h2m29s).
Vocal fry, a speaking pattern characterized by a low, creaky voice, can be a sign of contracted body language and a lack of vocal power, and it often occurs when someone is not using their full voice (2h2m36s).
Vocal fry can be eliminated by speaking louder, as it is often caused by a lack of breath, which causes the vocal cords to rattle (2h3m8s).
To help someone overcome vocal fry, it can be suggested that they speak up a little bit, as this can help increase their breath and confidence (2h3m33s).
Activity dates, such as going on hikes or playing sports, can be helpful in encouraging someone to adopt more open and confident body language, as physical activities can make it easier to break out of old patterns (2h3m45s).
Simply telling someone to stand more broadly may not be effective, as old patterns can be triggered in familiar contexts, but being in a new context can help make it easier to adopt more open body language (2h4m18s).

Body Language and Brain Connection (2h4m27s)

A study used MRI machines to examine how men and women process body language differently, finding that women activated 14 to 16 areas of their brain while men activated about half that number when trying to read body language from pictures alone (2h4m41s).
Women made broader connections when reading body language, thinking about personality, emotions, clothes, and facial structure, whereas men focused on more specific cues such as broad shoulders, feet apart, and hands visible (2h5m2s).
Neither men's nor women's approaches to reading body language are inherently right or wrong, but rather they represent different ways of processing information (2h5m15s).
Men can sometimes be easier to teach about body language because they can focus on specific cues and understand them quickly, whereas women tend to create a narrative around the cues they observe (2h5m22s).
Women's tendency to create a narrative around body language cues can be both an advantage and a disadvantage, as it can lead to more nuanced understanding but also to making assumptions or jumping to conclusions (2h5m59s).
Women may "globalize" a cue, interpreting it as a sign of a person's overall character, whereas men may be more likely to give someone the benefit of the doubt and consider alternative explanations (2h6m12s).
It's essential to be aware of one's own biases and "lenses" when interpreting body language to avoid making incorrect assumptions or misjudging others (2h6m29s).

Are You Awkward? Watch This (2h6m33s)

There may be something deeper within individuals that affects their ability to connect with others, beyond just learning tips and tactics, as some people naturally possess charisma and social skills, such as Dan Capon, who was good with the opposite sex in school (2h7m15s).
Anyone can learn and improve their social skills, regardless of their initial awkwardness or discomfort, and it's possible for people to transform and become more confident and charismatic over time (2h7m53s).
Simple tactics like avoiding boring questions, making eye contact, and asking better questions can help people build friendships and potentially find a romantic partner or get a job (2h8m24s).
There is a relationship between learning tactics and tips and building confidence, as using these tools can give people the confidence to try new things and break out of their patterns (2h9m0s).
Building confidence is a self-reinforcing process, where using certain tools and tactics can give people the confidence to take action and try new things, leading to further growth and improvement (2h9m3s).
Using different body language cues and asking different kinds of questions can help people break out of their patterns and try new things, leading to positive changes in their lives (2h9m48s).
Body language cues and social skills are important for both genders, and research has not found any significant differences in their importance for men and women (2h10m2s).

How to Get Someone to Approach You (2h10m14s)

Research by Monica Moore found that people who signaled availability were more likely to be approached in social settings, regardless of their physical attractiveness, as those with closed body language were less likely to receive attention or dates (2h10m23s).
Signaling availability can be achieved through open body language, such as not blocking the torso with objects like arms, cups, or electronic devices (2h11m2s).
Keeping the torso open and angled towards the room, along with "croissant feet" (feet angled towards the biggest part of the room), can signal openness to approaching others (2h11m17s).
Making small, darting glances around the room, specifically towards people of interest, can also signal availability, with research suggesting it may take around eight glances to prompt someone to approach (2h11m49s).
Quick, short glances, often accompanied by a smile or a subtle gesture like flipping hair, can be effective in signaling interest (2h12m12s).
Gesturing in the direction of someone of interest, while maintaining open body language, can be a subtle yet effective way to invite them to approach (2h12m25s).
If someone is attracted to the person signaling availability, they are likely to approach, and if not, it may be best to try signaling to someone else (2h13m11s).
In a crowded environment, it is culturally less accepted for women to approach men, making it harder for men to initiate interactions, but using quick glances, open gestures, and angling feet towards the woman can help warm her up before approaching (2h13m18s).
These non-verbal cues can test the waters and gauge the woman's receptiveness to an approach, as her responses to the gestures and glances can indicate her interest or lack thereof (2h13m46s).
In today's society, it can be challenging to know if someone is open to being approached due to the prevalence of people appearing "too cool for school" and the culture of inappropriate advances (2h14m1s).
Despite these challenges, people are often lonely and eager to meet others, making it a gift to approach someone in person and express genuine interest (2h14m23s).
Many individuals, especially in the current world, desire to form connections and make friends, and taking the initiative to approach others can be a valuable step in building relationships (2h14m47s).
A personal anecdote about a young man who stood up at a talk in Canary Wharf, London, and expressed his desire for friendship, highlights the importance of taking the initiative to connect with others and the potential for meaningful relationships that can arise from it (2h15m1s).

How to Make Friends as an Adult (2h15m8s)

Making friends as an adult can be challenging, but it's essential for one's health, happiness, and success, and it's acceptable to approach friendship like dating, where meeting two or three amazing people is crucial (2h15m44s).
To make friends, one should change their mindset and look for a "friend soulmate" with similar values, someone who activates the same neural networks, and enjoys the same activities (2h16m25s).
Approaching friends like potential partners involves testing them out, just like on a date, and not getting too close too fast, which is why going on "friendship dates" is highly recommended (2h16m51s).
Friendship dates should be different every time, taking the person to places you love, and trying to make them a little bit uncomfortable to see how they react (2h16m54s).
An example of a unique friendship date is taking someone to a place like Casa Delo in Austin, a vegan hippie spot where you can't customize your meal, to see how they handle the situation (2h17m4s).
The goal is to find people who are cool with trying new things and going with the flow, which can be a great way to see into their personality (2h17m46s).
If you don't have friends, think about activities or places where you can test out values or things you appreciate in friends, and consider joining groups or clubs that align with your interests (2h18m1s).
For men, who often struggle with making friends, it can be helpful to have a partner or friend set up "friend dates" and to focus on shared activities or hobbies (2h18m18s).
Finding activities you love, such as axe throwing, soccer games, or hiking, and slowly meeting new people through those activities can be a great way to make friends (2h18m37s).
Asking questions like "What's your big goal for 2025?" or "What's exciting you these days?" can help build connections and friendships (2h18m45s).
By living in an activity or community for long enough, you'll likely find your people and make meaningful connections (2h18m54s).

AirPods Are Killing Friendships (2h18m57s)

Over the past 18 years, there have been significant shifts in interpersonal relationships and friendships, with the rise of AirPods being a contributing factor to this change (2h18m58s).
In the past, people were more likely to engage in micro-moments of connection, such as saying hello to someone on the subway or in a hallway, which helped build relationships and friendships (2h19m31s).
A study by Van Sloan found that the most likable kids had the longest list of people they liked, and they were often observed engaging in small conversations and interactions with others (2h19m49s).
AirPods have made it more difficult for people to engage in these micro-moments of connection, as they often have their ears closed off to the world around them (2h20m15s).
This is particularly true for younger people, who often wear AirPods while commuting, walking, jogging, or working out, making it harder for them to interact with others (2h20m18s).
The gym used to be a place where people would often strike up conversations with others, but now it's common to see people working out with AirPods, making it intimidating for others to approach them (2h20m46s).
Weak ties, or casual connections with people, are important for our happiness and can lead to bigger friendships, finding a soulmate, and making good business contacts (2h21m7s).
However, the rise of AirPods and hybrid work has led to fewer opportunities for these micro-moments of connection, making it harder for people to build relationships and friendships (2h21m36s).
The lack of these micro-moments can also affect career success, as small talk and interactions with colleagues and bosses are important for building relationships and advancing in one's career (2h21m45s).

Ads (2h22m16s)

A company called Flight Group is constantly looking for ways to build deeper connections with its audiences, whether through a new show, product, or project, which is why the conversation cards were launched (2h22m16s).
Shopify is a sponsor of the podcast and has been used before due to its ease in setting up an online store that can reach a global audience, making it suitable for businesses of all sizes (2h22m27s).
Shopify offers a trial for $1 a month, and listeners can sign up by going to shopify.com/Bartlet or finding the link in the description below (2h22m53s).
LinkedIn is another sponsor of the podcast, and as an entrepreneur, it's essential to focus on hiring the right people, with the definition of a company being a group of people (2h23m10s).
About 80% of the team has been hired from LinkedIn, which offers a diverse range of candidates with detailed information and data on their profiles (2h23m41s).
Entrepreneurs can post a free job ad on LinkedIn by going to linkedin.com/doac, with terms and conditions applying (2h23m54s).

How to Spot a Liar (2h24m8s)

Most people are interested in learning how to spot a liar, but research shows that the average person can only spot a lie with 54% accuracy, making it better to give someone the benefit of the doubt rather than overestimating one's ability to spot lies (2h24m11s).
There are certain statistical cues to deceit that liars typically exhibit, but not always, such as question inflection, where someone asks a question that is not actually a question, often indicating a need to double-click and dig deeper (2h25m15s).
A volume drop is another vocal cue of deception, where someone loses volume and breath when anxious or nervous, often heard in situations like sales calls (2h25m56s).
Non-verbal cues, such as incongruences between verbal and body language, can also indicate deception, with the most obvious example being when someone says yes but shakes their head no, or says no but shakes their head yes (2h27m6s).
Cultural exceptions to non-verbal cues exist, such as in India, Bulgaria, and Pakistan, where the usual rules may not apply (2h27m31s).
In countries outside of India, Bulgaria, and Pakistan, people typically nod their heads when agreeing with someone or telling the truth, and shake their heads when disagreeing or disliking something, which can also be a sign of disbelief (2h27m36s).
When people are asked if they like someone or something, they may verbally agree but subconsciously shake their head in disagreement, indicating their true feelings (2h27m56s).
Mismatched facial expressions, particularly disgust, can be a sign of dishonesty, as people may unknowingly display this emotion when lying or disliking something (2h28m17s).
Disgust is a universal expression across cultures, characterized by crinkling one's nose, flashing the upper whites of their teeth, and making a particular sound (2h28m21s).
Liars may exhibit disgust towards themselves for lying, which can manifest in subtle facial expressions or actions, such as sniffing or showing a slight nasal dilation (2h28m36s).
Sniffing can be a sign of disgust, as it is a natural response to close one's nasal cavities when encountering something unpleasant, and liars may display this behavior when lying (2h28m55s).
Nasal dilation, or the dilation of the nasal wings, can also be a sign of disgust, as people tend to scrunch up their noses when they dislike something (2h29m21s).
Observing these subtle signs of disgust can help identify when someone is not being truthful or is disliking something, and can be used to double-check their opinions or feelings (2h29m33s).

Toxic Relationships (2h30m5s)

Ambivalent relationships are considered the most toxic and damaging relationships in one's life, characterized by uncertainty and mixed feelings towards the other person, leaving one wondering if they like or dislike them, or if the other person likes or dislikes them in return (2h30m5s).
Ambivalent relationships are energetically draining because they create uncertainty and make a person question their feelings and actions towards the other person, unlike toxic relationships where the toxicity is clear and boundaries can be set (2h30m44s).
In ambivalent relationships, a person may feel obligated to check in with the other person, attend social events, or maintain a connection out of uncertainty or a sense of duty, rather than genuine interest or affection (2h30m57s).
Research has shown that people with ambivalent relationships in their workplace are more unhappy, have less work-life balance, and experience more workplace stress than those with toxic relationships (2h31m34s).
Police officers with ambivalent ties in their precinct reported being more unhappy and having less work-life balance than those who had toxic relationships, highlighting the negative impact of ambivalent relationships (2h31m40s).
To address ambivalent relationships, it is essential to ask questions and seek clarity about the other person's feelings and intentions, and to either move them up or out of one's life to avoid the mental drain of uncertainty (2h32m6s).
Asking questions like "What's your biggest goal right now?" or "What are you working on that's exciting?" can help determine if a person is a good fit for one's life and if the relationship is worth maintaining (2h32m20s).
It is crucial to prioritize one's emotional well-being by either nurturing or ending ambivalent relationships, rather than letting them continue to cause uncertainty and mental drain (2h32m31s).

How to Start a Conversation With a Stranger (2h32m34s)

Starting a conversation can be as simple as saying "hello" or introducing oneself, as it allows the other person's brain to process the interaction and feel safe, and overthinking the opener can be counterproductive (2h32m52s).
A person's body language, brain, and voice tone convey a lot of information, and a basic opener gives the other person a chance to respond and build a connection (2h33m12s).
When meeting someone new, it's better to ask open-ended questions that spark interesting conversations, such as "Do you have any exciting plans coming up this weekend?" or "Did you do anything fun this past weekend?" instead of asking autopilot questions like "What do you do?" (2h33m57s).
Harry S. Truman, a former US president, was severely introverted and used one-on-one conversations to win people over with his arguments, which ultimately helped him gain votes and win the Democratic National Convention in 1944 (2h34m27s).
Truman's strategy was to focus on his strengths in one-on-one conversations, rather than trying to compete with more charismatic public speakers, and he was able to win over people by telling them his story and points in a personal setting (2h35m12s).
Truman's team would invite people to meet with him in an air-conditioned room, where he would have one-on-one conversations and build connections with them, which ultimately helped him gain votes and win the convention (2h35m27s).
A politician won a National Convention without having to speak on stage by creating a space where people could discuss their concerns and he could explain why they should vote for him, ultimately winning vote by vote (2h35m43s).
This approach is suggested as a way to stop competing in situations where one cannot be their best and instead create spaces where they can utilize their social strengths (2h35m59s).
Identifying one's social strengths is crucial, whether it be storytelling, being funny, listening, being empathetic, being a decoder, or being persuasive, and creating spaces to exercise those strengths (2h36m7s).
It is better to focus on what one is actually good at and attract the right people, rather than pretending to be something they are not (2h36m29s).
Social strengths may not be limited to in-person interactions, as some people excel at texting, sending voice notes, or broadcasting and then connecting with like-minded individuals (2h36m36s).
Thinking outside the box and considering various ways to utilize social strengths, such as broadcasting, can be an effective way to connect with others and build relationships (2h36m53s).

How to Get Started With All This Knowledge (2h37m0s)

To start becoming more charismatic, step one is to break autopilot in conversations by making a commitment for 30 days to not trigger autopilot and instead ask better questions, such as "What's your biggest goal?" or "What's something exciting?" (2h37m15s)
Challenge number two is to find out where you fall in the warmth and competence scale by taking a quiz, doing an email audit, and possibly sending the Charisma quiz to someone who knows you well to get their perspective on your warmth and competence (2h37m39s)
The warmth and competence scale is important because being highly warm but lacking competence can make you seem less serious, while being highly confident but lacking warmth can make you seem less friendly and trustworthy (2h37m41s)
The Charisma quiz can provide critical feedback on how others perceive your warmth and competence, which may differ from your own perception (2h38m2s)
The guest was asked a question about when they tried to outrun their pain and what the consequence was, and when they turned and faced their pain and what the consequence was (2h38m26s)
The guest shared a personal experience of trying to outrun their pain after their traditionally published book failed in 2011, but eventually turned and faced their pain by continuing to write and starting the website Science of People (2h38m47s)
The guest was encouraged by their husband to keep writing and eventually started creating content that went viral, but still struggled with the idea of writing another book due to the painful memory of their previous failure (2h39m18s)
The guest was approached to write the book "Captivate" but initially refused due to fear of failure, but eventually agreed after being convinced that it would be a different kind of book that allowed them to express themselves authentically (2h39m41s)
The guest credited Nikki with convincing them to write "Captivate" and helping them to face their pain and create something successful (2h40m8s)
The current societal climate is characterized by increased loneliness and struggles with connection, making it more important than ever to educate people on building relationships and communication skills (2h40m54s).
Many people are seeking advice on how to make friends, show up in social situations, and build connections, highlighting the importance of this subject matter (2h41m18s).
The work being done in this area is crucial, with a significant impact on the 400,000 people who have been taught and the millions who have consumed related books, videos, and content (2h41m33s).
It's essential to be authentic and true to oneself when applying skills and knowledge related to building relationships and communication, rather than building a facade (2h41m57s).
Self-reflection is necessary to determine who one wants to be and how they want to show up in conversations, relationships, and as a friend or partner (2h42m1s).
When it comes to food and nutrition, it's essential to trust reliable sources, such as Zoe, which provides scientifically-backed information and personalized nutrition programs to support gut health (2h42m22s).
Many nutritionists agree that information on food packaging can be misleading, and it's crucial to be aware of this when making food choices (2h42m28s).
Zoe offers a scientifically-advanced gut health test and personalized nutrition program to help individuals make informed food choices (2h42m54s).

Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes!

Intro (0s)

The Crucial Role of Cues for Success (2m13s)

I'm a Recovered Awkward Person (3m45s)

What's an Ambivert (5m36s)

One Word Can Change the Way People Think (7m28s)

The Most Fundamental Skill to Invest In (9m39s)

The Resting B*tch Face Effect (12m41s)

Do Not Fake Smile! (16m1s)

The 97 Cues to Be Warm & Competent (18m29s)

The Formula to a Perfect Conversation (21m44s)

Science Reveals Why Some People Are Extremely Popular (24m37s)

Message People Telling Them This… (28m34s)

The Luck Experiment (33m22s)

Being Around Successful People Is Contagious (35m5s)

The Importance of Hand Gestures (41m55s)

Hand Tricks to Be Liked (43m38s)

The Scientific Formula to Be More Charismatic (54m15s)

The Danger Zone of Being Too Warm or Competent (56m47s)

The Power Cues (58m45s)

How to Spot a Liar (1h7m55s)

If You've Been Told You're Intimidating, Do This (1h15m23s)

Don't Let Anyone Use This With You (1h18m37s)

The 6 Questions to Connect With Someone (1h21m45s)

Leaning Too Much Towards Someone… (1h34m20s)

How to Greet Someone (1h39m3s)

How to Master Messaging (1h49m42s)

Personal Branding (1h54m40s)

Improve Your Dating Life With These Tips (1h59m1s)

Body Language and Brain Connection (2h4m27s)

Are You Awkward? Watch This (2h6m33s)

How to Get Someone to Approach You (2h10m14s)

How to Make Friends as an Adult (2h15m8s)

AirPods Are Killing Friendships (2h18m57s)

Ads (2h22m16s)

How to Spot a Liar (2h24m8s)

Toxic Relationships (2h30m5s)

How to Start a Conversation With a Stranger (2h32m34s)

How to Get Started With All This Knowledge (2h37m0s)

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