Divorce Expert: Slippage Is Tearing Marriages Apart! If Kids Are Your Top Priority, You’ll Divorce!

Intro (0s)

• Every marriage ultimately ends in either death or divorce, with the majority ending due to a concept called "slippage." (0s)
• James Ston, a leading divorce lawyer with over two decades of experience, provides practical advice for maintaining healthy relationships. (6s)
• Society often assumes marriage is a good idea, despite its high failure rate, which is not necessarily related to love. (17s)
• Discussing a prenuptial agreement is advised, as getting married without one is considered risky. (28s)
• Having a child with someone is described as the riskiest activity in relationships, as it can lead to significant personal conflict. (37s)
• People who become overly focused on their children may neglect their partners, which can lead to marital issues. (46s)
• A core message for preventing relationship breakdowns is to maintain focus on the partner, not just the children. (57s)
• James Ston recalls a heartbreaking case where a woman lost in court due to financial disadvantage, highlighting issues in the legal system. (1m9s)

What Do People Say When They Reach Out To You? (2m5s)

• James received a significant increase in messages after a previous conversation, with topics expanding beyond just divorce to include love, marriage, and related subjects. (2m6s)
• Many people reach out to James seeking advice on relationship and divorce issues, even if he cannot represent them due to geographical constraints. (2m50s)
• The conversation also prompted discussions about broader themes such as loss, aging, and mortality, often related to personal experiences like the loss of pets. (3m12s)
• People often express gratitude to James for articulating feelings they have experienced, and he tries to respond briefly to acknowledge their messages. (3m33s)

James' One Message To The World (3m56s)

• A core truth emphasized is that the hard thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same, and individuals should consider what the hard thing is in their situation as it is likely the right choice. (4m24s)
• It is suggested that the wisdom or Zen people seek externally is often already within them, and hearing it articulated by others can resonate because it validates what they already know to be true. (4m52s)
• The idea is illustrated with a metaphor about seeking wisdom on mountaintops, implying that true wisdom is internal and not something that can be found externally, even though people often seek external validation for their internal truths. (5m20s)

Why You Can't Hide From Your Problems (6m23s)

• Many people believe that moving to a new location will solve their personal and relationship problems, but this is often not the case as they carry their issues with them wherever they go. (6m24s)
• A hairdresser observed that clients, particularly women, often request drastic changes to their hairstyles during times of personal crisis, reflecting a desire to change their identity or escape their current situation. (7m34s)
• The hairdresser learned to subtly alter clients' hairstyles rather than making extreme changes, as clients often regret drastic transformations. He enhances their satisfaction by positively reinforcing the new look. (9m6s)
• The desire to escape or change one's circumstances is a common human reaction to stress and overwhelming situations, as seen in both personal and professional contexts. (8m26s)
• Individuals often have a clear image of their identity and life path when they get married, symbolized by wearing a white dress or tuxedo and taking vows, which they believe defines them as a spouse and parent. (10m0s)
• Over time, this identity can be challenged, especially when significant life changes occur, such as children leaving for college, leading to a crisis of self-identity. (10m27s)
• During a divorce, people often struggle with redefining themselves beyond their previous roles, such as being someone's spouse, and this process can be both challenging and inspirational. (10m50s)
• The journey through divorce reveals the strength and resilience individuals possess, often more than they realize, as they navigate through personal crises. (11m3s)

The Case That Broke James' Heart (11m11s)

• The discussion involves a case where an experienced lawyer represented a client who was a pimp involved in illegal activities and had brutally abused a woman with whom he had children. (11m40s)
• The opposing lawyer, representing the victim, was inexperienced and assigned by the state, earning significantly less than the experienced lawyer. (12m28s)
• During the family court proceeding, the key piece of evidence was a photograph of the victim's face after the alleged abuse. However, the opposing lawyer struggled to get the photograph admitted into evidence due to her lack of experience and the judge's unhelpful demeanor. (12m57s)
• The experienced lawyer objected to the opposing lawyer's attempts to introduce the photograph, and the judge sustained these objections, which prevented the photograph from being admitted as evidence. (14m19s)
• The experienced lawyer internally wished the opposing lawyer would use the correct phrasing to admit the photograph, but the judge did not assist her, allowing the situation to unfold without intervention. (14m59s)
• A case is described where a woman lost in court because she could not afford a lawyer, while the opposing party won due to having legal representation. This situation highlights a flaw in the legal system where financial resources can heavily influence the outcome of a case. (15m17s)
• The lawyer involved reflects on the experience, expressing discomfort with winning a case that felt unjust. Despite representing the client, the lawyer also feels a responsibility to uphold the integrity of the legal system. (16m20s)
• When asked if the lawyer would take the same case again, they express uncertainty, noting that with hindsight, they might decline such cases. The lawyer mentions that they often turn down cases, especially when they suspect the client is guilty or when the client does not need legal representation. (16m55s)
• The lawyer explains that during initial consultations, it is difficult to fully understand a client's character or the truth of their claims. Over time, however, they may come to realize the client's guilt, which can influence their decision to continue representation. (18m0s)
• The lawyer states that they turn down cases where they feel the client does not need legal assistance or when they have ethical concerns about the client's actions. (18m29s)

What Type Of Cases Would You Refuse? (18m37s)

• The speaker describes themselves as a "chainsaw" in legal terms, indicating they are not suitable for cases that require a more delicate approach, like using a scalpel. They are honest with clients about not being the right tool for certain tasks. (18m37s)
• Many cases are turned down because clients want to use the legal system to punish their ex-spouses for real or perceived transgressions, such as infidelity, by making them spend excessive amounts on legal fees or restricting their access to children. (18m53s)
• The speaker is not interested in being used as a weapon in legal battles where the goal is to litigate an ex-spouse into submission or to make them fight for every hour of visitation with their children. (19m17s)
• The speaker acknowledges that their job sometimes involves getting custody of children, which can be seen as taking children away from a parent. They have a significant impact on people's access to their children, both positively and negatively. (19m27s)
• They help clients gain access to children when it is being unfairly withheld and address issues like parental alienation and negative gatekeeping, where children are used as weapons against an ex-spouse. (20m14s)
• Breakups are universally difficult, often involving hurt feelings and anger. The speaker reflects on the common emotional themes of breakups, such as feelings of resentment and questioning self-worth. (20m34s)

Is It Better To Be The One Hurt In A Breakup? (21m24s)

• When someone is broken up with, they often receive a lot of sympathy unless the breakup was due to clearly bad behavior, such as being caught cheating. (21m25s)
• If a person is dumped with a generic reason like "it's not you, it's me," they tend to get support from friends who empathize with their situation. (21m50s)
• Conversely, the person initiating the breakup typically receives less sympathy, as others may question why they ended the relationship if they are upset about it. (22m9s)
• Both parties in a breakup experience a form of loss, and the person who decides to end the relationship may deserve as much sympathy as the one who was dumped. (22m40s)
• The metaphor of a smoker developing lung cancer is used to illustrate that even if a situation is expected, it is still sad and challenging for the person involved. (22m50s)
• People often want to claim they initiated the breakup as it can be empowering, or they might express relief if the other person ended it, suggesting they were about to do the same. (23m28s)

Why People Want Control In A Breakup (23m45s)

• In some divorces, a spouse may end a heterosexual marriage because they come out as gay or lesbian, which can lead to complex emotional dynamics. (23m46s)
• The person being left might perceive the breakup as less of a personal rejection if their spouse is leaving to be with someone of the same gender, as it feels like a rejection of their gender rather than themselves personally. (24m40s)
• Despite this perception, such divorces can be extremely contentious and hostile, and have become more so over time. (25m23s)
• Historically, there was more societal acceptance of expressing homophobic sentiments in these situations, but societal attitudes have shifted significantly over the years. (25m39s)
• Currently, if a spouse leaves for someone of the same gender, expressing anger or upset can lead to accusations of homophobia, complicating the emotional response. (26m17s)
• The emotional turmoil in breakups often involves feelings of rejection, a blow to self-esteem, and the loss of a future that was envisioned with the partner. (27m2s)

Understanding Heartbreak (27m21s)

• Endings, such as breakups or losses, are challenging but necessary for new beginnings. This concept is illustrated through the personal experience of losing a pet, Buster, which made room for another pet, Cabba. (27m33s)
• It is important to honor and grieve the end of a relationship while recognizing it as a transition that allows for new opportunities. This cycle has been observed in many clients over 25 years, where their identities and lives change significantly after a divorce. (28m30s)
• The initial pain of loss can lead to a belief that one will never open up to love again, but over time, people often find joy in new relationships. This is similar to the experience of losing a beloved pet and eventually finding joy in a new one. (29m45s)
• Despite the pain of divorce, statistics show that 86% of people remarry within five years. Initially, individuals may feel they will never marry again, but they often change their minds as they heal and find new love. (31m3s)
• People often underestimate their capacity to love again after a painful breakup, and even those who have gone through difficult divorces may eventually remarry, believing the new relationship is different and real. (31m13s)
• The cycle of feeling pain and then forgetting it is seen as a positive aspect of life, allowing people to continue loving despite the inevitability of loss. Life is viewed as a game that cannot be won, but it should be played to the fullest. (32m13s)

Is Life Winnable? (32m37s)

• Life is framed as a game with two certainties: birth and death, with everything in between being uncertain and temporary. Material possessions and health are fleeting, and their value can diminish unexpectedly, as seen during events like lockdowns. (33m2s)
• People often overlook the fragility of life and focus on trivial concerns, forgetting to appreciate the absence of problems like illness or power outages. Stoic philosophy suggests keeping the inevitability of death in mind to maintain perspective on life's challenges. (34m32s)
• All relationships, including marriages and parent-child bonds, ultimately end in death or separation. Society tends to avoid discussing death, often portraying it unrealistically, which can lead to a lack of preparedness for the realities of dying. (34m51s)
• The speaker shares experiences as a hospice volunteer, emphasizing that death is often not as serene as depicted in media. Acknowledging the natural and sometimes unpleasant aspects of dying can help families cope better and avoid feelings of undignified loss. (35m30s)
• The discussion highlights a reluctance to talk about difficult topics like divorce and death, suggesting that people may avoid these subjects due to a belief that discussing them could make them happen, which is considered irrational since death is inevitable and divorce is highly likely. (36m41s)
• There is a suggestion that conversations about these topics are important and necessary, even though they are often avoided in casual settings like dinner conversations. (37m15s)
• The speaker mentions that their conversations on these topics have gained interest because people recognize their importance, even if they are uncomfortable discussing them openly. (37m11s)
• The speaker has a background in researching death, having written a Master's thesis on the semantics of death and dying, which was completed before attending law school. (37m31s)

James' Thesis On Death And His Mum's Cancer (37m45s)

• At a young age, the narrator's mother was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer called leiomyosarcoma, which is a type of soft tissue sarcoma. The narrator was too young to fully understand the situation but recalls the emotional impact it had on the family, particularly the sound of their mother crying. (38m8s)
• The narrator's mother was initially given six months to live, but the tumors encapsulated, preventing them from spreading. After surgery at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, she recovered, which was seen as either a miracle or a result of science. (39m16s)
• The cancer returned multiple times over the years, each time with a grim prognosis of six months to live. Despite this, the mother underwent several surgeries and procedures, surviving each time, which led the narrator to become somewhat desensitized to the dire predictions. (39m33s)
• The repeated cancer diagnoses and surgeries had significant physical consequences for the mother, including forced menopause and bowel resection, which resulted in a painful and challenging life. (40m40s)
• The narrator reflects on how these experiences forced them to confront the concept of death from a young age, making it a familiar presence in their life and home. Each recurrence of the cancer brought a sense of dread about whether it would be the final time. (40m58s)
• A woman experienced multiple recurrences of cancer, leading to a complex surgery that was ultimately unsuccessful. Her family was informed that nothing could be done, and she was placed on hospice care, where she remained for over a year before passing away surrounded by her family. (41m33s)
• The family had been able to discuss death openly for a long time, which brought them a sense of peace when the time came. The woman herself had accepted death as a part of life, contributing to her peaceful demeanor. (42m22s)
• In his late teens, the woman's child decided to confront his fear of death, similar to how he overcame his fear of spiders by keeping a tarantula. He chose to volunteer for hospice care, which was unusual for someone his age. (42m50s)
• The hospice volunteer training involved confronting the concept of death by writing one's own eulogy and obituary, helping participants to think about their own mortality and the mortality of those around them. (43m47s)
• After completing the training, the volunteer was assigned to families, initially intending to volunteer part-time. However, the experience became life-changing, as it involved providing various forms of support to families caring for terminally ill loved ones. (44m18s)
• The experience of visiting hospice homes provided a profound sense of awareness and appreciation for life, as it highlighted the inevitability of death and the importance of being present for others. This realization often comes during a self-centered phase in one's 20s, prompting reflection on life's ultimate end. (45m13s)
• The speaker was inspired by their fascination with death to pursue graduate studies in thanatology, the study of death and dying. However, due to the lack of specific programs, they attended New York University's Department of Culture and Communication, where they could create a personalized curriculum. (46m40s)
• The Master's thesis, titled "Metaphor and Mortality: The Semantics of Death and Dying," explored the language used to discuss death and how it reflects societal attitudes towards mortality. This work was published in the Journal of General Semantics. (47m24s)
• The study examined euphemisms and metaphors, such as "put to sleep" for euthanasia and "lost the patient" in medical contexts, to understand how language shapes perceptions of death. These expressions often soften the harsh reality of death, reflecting cultural and psychological coping mechanisms. (47m39s)
• The discussion highlights the inevitability of death and how people often avoid confronting it, using euphemisms like "pass on" to soften its reality. (48m39s)
• Despite death being the only certainty in life, there is a tendency to view it negatively, even though no one can definitively say what it entails or what happens afterward. (49m1s)
• Insights from conversations with individuals in their final days suggest that there is valuable wisdom to be gained about living life, particularly in terms of what to focus on and prioritize. (49m19s)

Lessons Learned From People On Their Deathbeds (49m27s)

• People on their deathbeds often focus on discussing their family, such as their children and grandchildren, as well as their life experiences and moments that brought them happiness. (49m28s)
• Reflecting on happy moments and feeling loved are common themes, and individuals often recall these experiences with fondness, even if they did not recognize their significance at the time. (50m9s)
• Hospice work reveals that people prioritize relationships and meaningful life experiences over material or seemingly important matters when facing the end of life. (50m48s)
• Personal experiences, such as spending time with a loved one before their passing, highlight the importance of sharing positive life updates and affirming the impact someone has had on their family. (51m7s)
• The inevitability of death encourages a focus on the meaningful aspects of life, suggesting that life is enriched by acknowledging its finite nature and the connections between people. (52m58s)

Are We Just Products Of Our Imagination? (53m28s)

• Early experiences with psychedelics led to a realization of interconnectedness and a belief in a benevolent force underlying everything, which alleviated fear and became a lasting perspective. (53m28s)
• Growing up in an environment where death was always present influenced these profound experiences and thoughts about consciousness and existence. (53m44s)
• There is a belief that humans are part of one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, and this view is reinforced by reflections on life and death. (54m4s)
• The idea is presented that believing in nothing is as unprovable as believing in God, and that the concept of nothing creating everything is impressive. (54m14s)
• Spending time with hospice patients has led to the belief that life is like drops of water returning to the sea upon death, merging with a creator, and that there is no fear of non-existence after death. (54m53s)
• There is a curiosity about what comes after life, with the possibility that it could be something fantastic, and a belief that the current life might be the challenging part, while before and after could be easier. (55m28s)
• The suffering from death is seen as affecting the living rather than the deceased, leading to a view against the death penalty, as death is not considered a punishment. (56m19s)
• There is an enjoyment of life and a curiosity about death, with a desire to face it with acceptance and an open heart. (56m51s)
• Acceptance is important in dealing with endings, and resistance to acceptance can contribute to suffering, as observed in clients dealing with divorce. (57m10s)

Can Acceptance Heal Suffering? (57m27s)

• Acceptance of a situation, such as a marriage ending, requires first acknowledging the reality of the situation. This involves adjusting one's emotional state and reactions to reduce tension. (57m28s)
• The process of acceptance is compared to experiences in Brazilian jiu-jitsu, where one learns to soften and yield rather than resist, trusting in the natural flow of events. (58m20s)
• A Zen parable is mentioned, emphasizing that finding joy in unavoidable circumstances, like snow, leads to more joy in life. This highlights the importance of accepting reality as it is. (59m3s)
• The concept of impermanence is discussed, noting that life, love, and relationships are not permanently gifted but are on loan, which requires acknowledgment and acceptance. (59m33s)
• The idea of yielding to change is further illustrated through a metaphor of surfing, where one does not fight the wave but uses technique and patience to navigate it, maintaining an active role while yielding to the natural flow. (1h0m54s)
• The process of dealing with the end of a relationship, whether through divorce or death, involves acknowledging the reality of what was and accepting the change. This acceptance allows for the possibility of new and potentially beautiful experiences, despite the initial uncertainty and fear. (1h1m28s)
• The metaphor of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly or a bird breaking out of an egg illustrates the idea that significant transitions, though challenging, can lead to growth and new opportunities. (1h2m11s)
• Divorce is likened to a major life transition where something that was once thought to be permanent comes to an end. This ending, while daunting, opens up the potential for a future that could be unexpectedly positive. (1h2m59s)
• Humans generally struggle with uncertainty, as demonstrated by the example of Uber Labs, which found that people appreciate Uber for reducing the uncertainty associated with waiting for a taxi. This analogy highlights the discomfort people feel with the unknown, similar to the uncertainty faced after a divorce. (1h3m37s)

Why Humans Struggle With Uncertainty (1h3m59s)

• Uncertainty, such as a flight being delayed without a specified time, can be mentally taxing because it leaves individuals without a clear plan or timeframe. (1h4m0s)
• An unexpected delay in Frankfurt due to snow led to a memorable experience, including discovering a favorite restaurant and hotel, which would not have happened without the initial frustration of the canceled flight. (1h4m30s)
• The experience in Frankfurt highlights the idea that unforeseen events can lead to positive outcomes and enrich life with new experiences, despite initial inconvenience. (1h5m52s)
• Reflecting on life, the narrative suggests that unexpected events can become cherished memories, emphasizing the unpredictability of life and the potential for positive experiences from seemingly negative situations. (1h6m20s)
• The discussion touches on the notion that while no one plans to end up in a divorce lawyer's office, some individuals might enter marriage with the intention of eventually divorcing. (1h6m39s)

Have You Met Anyone Who Planned To Divorce? (1h6m57s)

• In high net worth and ultra high net worth spaces, some individuals marry wealthy partners for financial benefits, but most do not plan to divorce immediately, preferring to enjoy the financial advantages of the marriage for as long as possible. (1h6m58s)
• The vast majority of people do not intend to get divorced when they marry, although many later recognize signs of incompatibility that were present early on. Love can be intoxicating, leading people to overlook issues in the early stages of a relationship. (1h7m58s)
• The initial intense feelings in a romantic relationship tend to fade over time, which is necessary for productivity and allows partners to see each other more clearly, ideally with continued optimism. (1h8m20s)
• The shortest marriage represented lasted 72 hours, ending in annulment. In one case, the couple was drunk, and in another, it was a series of escalating dares that led to marriage, followed by the realization of fundamental incompatibility. (1h9m4s)

How Dating Length Impacts Marriage Success (1h10m24s)

• There is no clear pattern in marriages related to factors such as religion, age differences, cultural backgrounds, or generational status in the U.S. (1h10m25s)
• Substance use is identified as a significant factor that can lead to divorce, especially if one or both partners are heavy drinkers or drug users. (1h11m9s)
• Substance use issues often worsen over time, particularly when one partner reduces their usage due to life changes, such as having children, while the other maintains an unhealthy relationship with substances. (1h11m30s)
• The concept of "love is loaned" is mentioned, with an example of a friend who shared the news of his divorce in a heartbreaking manner. (1h12m4s)

Why Do People Fall Out Of Love? (1h12m18s)

• A couple, both CEOs, appeared to have a good relationship but became too busy with work and raising their child, neglecting their relationship, which is likened to forgetting to water a plant. (1h12m19s)
• In long-term relationships, it's common to "lose the plot," meaning partners may become so focused on other responsibilities, like work and children, that they forget to nurture their relationship. (1h12m42s)
• Acknowledging the issue of losing the plot is crucial, but when one partner expresses this concern, it can be misinterpreted as criticism rather than a desire to prioritize the relationship. (1h13m25s)
• The metaphor of a plant is used to illustrate how relationships require regular attention and care, similar to how a plant needs watering to survive. (1h14m33s)
• The concept of "slippage" is introduced, describing how small, seemingly insignificant choices can accumulate over time, leading to significant changes in a relationship, much like how small dietary choices can lead to weight gain. (1h15m19s)
• Relationships often deteriorate gradually, similar to the way Ernest Hemingway described going bankrupt: slowly at first, then suddenly. This process, referred to as "slippage," involves small, seemingly insignificant issues accumulating over time until they become overwhelming. (1h15m40s)
• Initially, finding a partner is a major life priority, and once achieved, it leads to a period of celebration and excitement. However, as the relationship progresses, the focus shifts to other life goals such as building a career or starting a family, which can lead to neglecting the relationship itself. (1h16m10s)
• In the early stages of love, people often gain "love weight" as they prioritize spending time together over activities like going to the gym. This phase is characterized by happiness and contentment, but as it fades, couples settle into a routine where small issues begin to arise. (1h16m51s)
• These minor issues are often overlooked or dismissed as unimportant, but over time, they can accumulate and lead to significant problems in the relationship. This gradual accumulation of unresolved issues is what often brings couples to seek professional help. (1h17m30s)
• A piece of advice from Jordan Peterson suggests that listening to one's spouse for at least 90 minutes a week is crucial for maintaining peace and harmony in a marriage. Failing to do so can result in unresolved issues that may eventually lead to divorce. (1h18m25s)
• The discussion addresses the concept of "happy wife, happy life," suggesting that it implies men should merely tolerate listening to their wives, which can feel burdensome. (1h18m53s)
• There is a critique of the idea that men are expected to listen to their wives for a set amount of time each week, as it can feel like an obligation rather than a genuine interest. (1h19m25s)
• The conversation highlights a shift from initial relationship dynamics, where partners were eager to listen to each other, to a more obligatory interaction. (1h19m34s)
• It questions whether women believe their husbands or boyfriends enjoy conversations that start with "we need to talk," as such phrases often precede serious discussions. (1h19m43s)

Do Men Struggle To Open Up? (1h20m0s)

• The text discusses the negative connotations associated with the phrase "we need to talk," suggesting it is not a good entry point for conversations as it often implies something is wrong. (1h20m0s)
• It highlights that many women might not want to engage in lengthy, structured conversations with their spouses, likening it to being in a "penalty box" for 90 minutes. (1h20m24s)
• The idea of enduring such conversations as a practice, with the expectation of a reward like sex, is described as unreasonable from the perspective of a divorce lawyer. (1h20m30s)
• The text questions whether couples who end up in divorce could have avoided it by spending 90 minutes a week being open and honest with each other. (1h20m50s)

Can 90 Minutes A Week Save A Relationship? (1h21m0s)

• A practice is suggested where partners share their feelings promptly when something bothers them, without initiating a formal discussion. This can be done via email to allow careful expression and avoid defensiveness. (1h21m19s)
• It is important for both partners to be open to receiving feedback in this manner, fostering a mutual understanding. (1h22m2s)
• An example is given of a couple who take a weekly walk to discuss things that were not perfect in their relationship, approaching the conversation with love and as a deliberate practice to maintain a strong relationship. (1h22m16s)
• The couple ends their walk by sharing positive things that made them feel loved, ensuring the conversation concludes on a positive note. (1h23m0s)
• The phrase "happy wife, happy life" is mentioned as a cliché that reflects a flawed model of relationships, contributing to a high divorce rate. (1h23m17s)

Happy Wife, Happy Life – Is It True? (1h23m32s)

• A significant portion of couples remain in unhappy marriages due to the reluctance to divide assets, leading to a culture where misery is normalized. (1h23m32s)
• The phrase "happy wife, happy life" is critiqued, with the suggestion that a truly happy marriage requires both partners to be content, emphasizing the importance of mutual happiness. (1h23m53s)
• Men are described as generally simpler in their needs, often focusing on basic desires, while women are seen as more nuanced, bringing different strengths to relationships. This is acknowledged as a generalization. (1h24m11s)
• The complexities of marriage are highlighted, noting that partners take on multiple roles beyond romantic ones, such as co-parents and roommates, which can lead to challenges. (1h25m33s)
• Affairs are described as appealing because they offer only the positive aspects of a relationship without the mundane responsibilities, but it is emphasized that relationships can be defined by the individuals involved. (1h25m53s)
• There is a critique of societal norms dictating relationship dynamics, with a call for couples to define their own relationships rather than conforming to external expectations. (1h26m21s)
• People often unintentionally harm their relationships despite having good intentions. (1h27m6s)
• In long-term relationships, sexual routines can become predictable and less novel over time. (1h27m20s)
• Initially, partners try various things to please each other and discover what the other likes, leading to a more efficient approach over time. (1h27m41s)
• This efficiency results in a routine where partners focus on the "greatest hits" or the most successful actions, which can lead to a lack of novelty. (1h28m21s)
• While routines can be comforting, introducing something new can cause suspicion or concern about the partner's motivations or fidelity. (1h29m1s)
• Despite the intention to make each other happy, these routines can inadvertently lead to relationship issues. (1h29m40s)
• To address issues in a marriage, it is important to openly communicate and discuss feelings and concerns. This involves asking if there is anything that can be done differently to improve the relationship. (1h29m50s)
• The conversation should be approached constructively, avoiding blame or accusations. Phrasing questions in a way that suggests blame, such as asking why a partner no longer does something or never tries something, is considered the worst approach. (1h30m9s)

Why Do Conversations About Sex Go Wrong? (1h30m23s)

• Conversations about sex often go wrong because they can quickly turn into defensive exchanges, with each person justifying their actions or questioning the other's behavior. (1h30m25s)
• There are more effective ways to approach discussions about sexual desires, such as using positive manipulation to create a safe and open environment for communication. (1h30m48s)
• One suggested method is to introduce new ideas by sharing a fictional dream about the partner, which can open up a dialogue about trying new things without direct confrontation. (1h31m18s)
• This approach allows for a playful and non-threatening way to gauge a partner's interest in exploring new experiences, providing an opportunity to back out if the reaction is negative. (1h32m0s)
• Issues in the bedroom, such as lack of communication or unmet desires, can contribute significantly to marital problems, with infidelity being a factor in at least 80% of divorce cases handled by the speaker's office. (1h32m32s)

Is Lack Of Intimacy A Major Cause Of Divorce? (1h32m40s)

• Individuals in genuinely satisfying sexual relationships with their partners are generally not seeking other sexual relationships, although some people may cheat due to sex addiction or trauma related to the pursuit of sex. (1h32m42s)
• The motivation for sex is deeply rooted in evolutionary biology, with sex being one of the primary motivators alongside food and survival. (1h33m36s)
• The prevalence of sexual content in modern society, particularly through social media and advertising, has created a sex-saturated environment that is significantly different from past generations. (1h33m58s)
• Over the past 25 years, the emergence of platforms like OnlyFans and the widespread availability of pornography have become common factors in discussions about divorce, whereas these topics were rarely mentioned at the start of this period. (1h34m32s)

Is Porn Causing More Relationship Issues? (1h34m51s)

• The proliferation of revenge porn and concerns about unauthorized audio, video, and photographs have increased due to the widespread availability of sophisticated cameras on smartphones. (1h34m51s)
• Cheating has become easier with modern technology, as people can connect with potential partners and engage in private conversations through social media and messaging apps, which were not possible in the past. (1h35m19s)
• The integration of devices, such as Apple's, has inadvertently facilitated the discovery of infidelity, as messages from a lover can appear on shared family devices, leading to evidence of cheating being accidentally revealed to partners. (1h36m31s)
• Modern technology provides neutral entry points for communication that can lead to infidelity, and there is now a significant evidentiary trail that makes it easier for people to get caught. (1h37m4s)
• Despite the new outlets like OnlyFans and pornography, the underlying issues in relationships remain the same, with different technologies and manifestations but ultimately resulting in heartbreak. (1h37m30s)

Does Marriage Equal Love? (1h38m20s)

• The discussion highlights the stress and lengthy process involved in traditional weddings, which can lead to significant stress and arguments over a long period, sometimes lasting 12 to 24 months. (1h38m35s)
• There is a perspective that the legal institution of marriage is largely performative and does not necessarily correlate with love, suggesting that being in love does not require marriage to validate it. (1h38m56s)
• Despite skepticism about the institution of marriage, there is an appreciation for weddings as joyful gatherings where people celebrate the union of two individuals, emphasizing the communal support and enjoyment of the event. (1h39m21s)
• Weddings are seen as rare opportunities to gather loved ones, creating lasting memories, such as cherished photographs of family members, which can be especially meaningful after they have passed away. (1h40m18s)
• Personal anecdotes illustrate the emotional significance of weddings, such as a memorable moment involving a mother participating in a dance, which becomes a treasured memory. (1h40m53s)
• The idea is proposed that one can have a wedding to celebrate love without necessarily getting legally married, as the two are not inherently connected. (1h41m13s)
• The discussion emphasizes the importance of personalizing marriage and relationship experiences, suggesting that individuals should not feel compelled to follow traditional or prescribed methods that often lead to failure. (1h41m54s)
• It is noted that many people attempt to adhere to conventional approaches to relationships, which have a high failure rate, and are encouraged to explore different, personalized ways that suit them best. (1h42m9s)
• The idea is presented that the only people qualified to decide how a relationship should be conducted are the individuals involved, and they should feel free to celebrate their union in a way that reflects their unique personalities and preferences. (1h42m22s)
• The narrative includes a personal anecdote about planning a wedding, highlighting the stress and sacrifices often involved, and suggests that couples should focus on what truly makes them happy rather than conforming to societal expectations. (1h42m46s)

Who Is The Wedding Really For? (1h42m57s)

• Couples often save large amounts of money for weddings, which can lead to cutting back on personal activities like date nights, suggesting that the wedding is more for the audience than for the couple themselves. (1h42m57s)
• There is a cultural trend of prioritizing appearances over genuine experiences, leading to a focus on how things look rather than their true nature. This is compared to having "white teeth and rotting gums." (1h43m46s)
• Many people, including celebrities, present a facade of happiness in public while privately dealing with relationship issues, such as affairs or separations. (1h44m2s)
• Some celebrities maintain fake relationships for public appearances, often living separately while projecting an image of togetherness. (1h44m25s)
• The idea is proposed that starting a relationship with authenticity and genuine expression is more valuable than adhering to societal expectations or creating a false image. (1h44m50s)

Do Celebrities Fake Their Relationships? (1h45m27s)

• Celebrity relationships are often portrayed as perfect on social media, but this can be misleading, as seen in the example of Rosie O'Donnell, who publicly denied being a lesbian for years before eventually confirming it. (1h45m28s)
• Celebrities may gaslight the public by presenting an idealized image of their relationships, while in reality, the relationship may be deteriorating. (1h46m2s)
• This phenomenon is not exclusive to celebrities, but they have the advantage of owning multiple homes in different locations, allowing them to maintain distance and privacy. (1h46m16s)
• The public portrayal of a perfect relationship, such as elaborate Valentine's Day displays, may actually correlate with underlying issues in the relationship. (1h46m44s)

Are Perfect Relationships Just A Facade? (1h47m1s)

• The discussion highlights how people often portray perfect relationships on social media, which may be a sign of insecurity. This behavior is reinforced by a flawed reward system that encourages such portrayals. (1h47m4s)
• An example is given of tourists taking staged photos at The Vessel in Manhattan, where people pretend to be candidly photographed, reflecting a broader trend of performative displays on social media. (1h47m46s)
• The tendency to stage and share idealized images is compared to high fashion photography, where poses are unnatural but visually appealing, suggesting that people mimic what they see in media. (1h48m48s)
• The desire to believe in fairy tale relationships is driven by a need to counteract negative statistics about divorce and personal experiences of heartbreak, similar to how people are drawn to idealized portrayals in pornography. (1h49m41s)
• The comparison to pornography emphasizes that these portrayals are stylized and not reflective of reality, leading to unrealistic expectations and misunderstandings about relationships and intimacy. (1h50m6s)
• The discussion highlights how society often avoids discussing death, despite its inevitability and significance as a life milestone. This avoidance does not prevent death from occurring, and there is a call for more honest conversations about such topics. (1h50m43s)
• An anecdote is shared about a past relationship where social media comparisons led to conflict. The speaker's ex-girlfriend was upset on Valentine's Day because she compared their relationship to an idealized Instagram post of another couple. This incident illustrates the pervasive issue of comparison in relationships. (1h51m40s)
• There is a broader observation that people frequently compare themselves to idealized versions of others' lives, not just in romantic relationships but also in personal achievements and parenting. This constant comparison to stylized portrayals on social media can lead to dissatisfaction with one's own life and relationships. (1h52m11s)
• The phenomenon of people posting curated versions of their lives, such as workout routines or parenting achievements, creates unrealistic standards. This can result in individuals feeling unhappy with themselves and their partners because they are measuring against fictionalized standards. (1h52m37s)
• It is noted that while comparison can sometimes be beneficial by highlighting areas for improvement, it often leads to unhappiness when based on unrealistic portrayals. The narrative includes a story about a visit to a theme park, where observing an idyllic couple prompted reflection on personal relationship satisfaction. (1h53m44s)
• The speaker reflects on a past experience at a theme park with their ex-wife, young children, and college friends, noting that they and their ex-wife were college sweethearts. (1h54m5s)
• The speaker describes their ex-wife as a lovely person and suggests that she would likely say nice things about them as well, although they acknowledge being a better ex-husband than a husband. (1h54m19s)
• The speaker mentions that there are many people they love but would not want to be married to, including their ex-wife, who is now happily remarried to a great guy. (1h54m34s)
• The group at the theme park included friends who had been married for a similar number of years as the speaker and their ex-wife had been at the time. (1h54m44s)

The Moment I Realised The "Magic" Was Gone (1h54m52s)

• During a visit to a theme park, a couple observed another couple holding hands and realized they no longer felt the same romantic connection with each other. This moment was significant in their decision to eventually divorce, although they remained friends and had honest conversations about their marriage. (1h54m53s)
• Both individuals in the couple independently recognized the absence of a certain "magic" or deep romantic connection in their relationship, which they could not explain but acknowledged as important. (1h56m14s)
• The discussion reflects on the nature of love and attraction, emphasizing that it is a mysterious and unexplainable force that varies for each person. The speaker mentions their acceptance of different forms of love, including same-sex relationships, as they believe love is a personal and magical experience. (1h56m22s)
• The couple admired another couple who had been married for 28 years and still maintained a strong, genuine affection for each other. This couple referred to each other with endearing terms like "boyfriend" and "my girl," demonstrating a deep and lasting connection. (1h56m56s)
• The enduring love and connection of the admired couple is described as beautiful and inspiring, creating a warm and positive environment for those around them. Their relationship is seen as a model of a successful and loving marriage. (1h57m47s)

How Do Happy Couples Argue? (1h58m24s)

• The couple discussed is described as playing fair and never losing their composure, indicating a balanced and respectful dynamic in their relationship. (1h58m32s)
• They prioritize each other as the most important aspect of their lives, with both partners focusing on each other's happiness equally. (1h58m51s)
• The couple has faced significant challenges, such as the wife's metastatic breast cancer, which they overcame with grace, humor, and a deeper connection. (1h59m15s)
• Their relationship is characterized by mutual attention and care, suggesting that these elements are crucial to their successful partnership. (1h59m37s)
• The speaker expresses a personal view that marriage is not important to them, describing it as a contract. (1h59m51s)

Will James Remarry? (2h0m0s)

• The discussion explores the concept of marriage and the involvement of government in defining and regulating relationships, suggesting that the idea of needing government involvement in personal relationships seems absurd. (2h0m2s)
• Marriage is viewed as a cultural and performative practice, influenced by societal norms and historical institutions, including land ownership and religious concepts. (2h0m51s)
• The idea of marriage is linked to the structuring of society to prevent conflict over mates and is seen as a healthy way to raise children, aligning with human biology. (2h1m23s)
• There is a belief that society is following a pre-existing program regarding marriage, which is taught as the norm. (2h1m44s)
• Marriage is considered not just a bad idea but a dangerous one, similar to the risks associated with skydiving, highlighting the potential dangers rather than outright negativity. (2h1m57s)

Is Getting Married A Mistake? (2h2m13s)

• The comparison is made between the joy and danger of activities like skydiving and marriage, suggesting that marriage is more dangerous due to its high failure rate. (2h2m13s)
• Statistics are presented indicating that marriage has a 56% divorce rate, and many couples remain together unhappily for reasons such as financial concerns or religious beliefs. (2h2m43s)
• It is argued that marriage can lead to a loss of personal identity and fulfillment, as people may live inauthentic lives due to their marital choices. (2h3m22s)
• The question of why people choose to marry is raised, challenging the notion that marriage is necessary to avoid loneliness or to have regular intimacy. Alternatives like joining social groups are suggested. (2h3m43s)
• The societal expectation to celebrate marriage without questioning its purpose is critiqued, and the idea that marriage is beneficial for children is questioned. (2h4m32s)

Is Marriage Good For Kids? (2h4m59s)

• The discussion highlights that a two-parent family structure is beneficial for raising children, regardless of whether the parents are of the same or different genders. (2h5m6s)
• The necessity of a marriage license and government involvement in relationships is questioned, with skepticism about the security it supposedly provides, given the high failure rate of marriages. (2h5m12s)
• An analogy is made comparing the reliability of marriage to an airbag that fails to deploy most of the time, suggesting that relying on marriage for security is like participating in a risky lottery. (2h5m24s)
• There is a reflection on the speaker's job security in the context of divorce, expressing mixed feelings about having a stable career due to the persistent issues in marriages. (2h5m47s)
• The speaker expresses doubt that society will improve in handling marriages to the extent that their job as a divorce expert would become obsolete before retirement. (2h6m0s)

Ad Break (2h6m29s)

• The launch of D Co conversation cards faced challenges such as managing inventory, ensuring a seamless checkout process, and reaching the target audience. Shopify provided solutions that made these tasks straightforward and efficient, effectively acting as an expert team. (2h6m30s)
• Shopify's platform allows businesses to focus on content creation and audience connection by providing tools to control and grow the business, regardless of its size. (2h6m44s)
• A special offer is available for listeners, providing a trial of Shopify for $1 a month, with sign-up details available at shopify.com Bartlet. (2h6m55s)
• There is an increasing trend of people seeking prenuptial agreements, with many reaching out for assistance in this area. (2h7m6s)
• Discussing prenuptial agreements with a partner can be uncomfortable, and the approach to initiating this conversation is important. (2h7m13s)

How To Bring Up A Prenup (2h7m23s)

• Discussing a prenuptial agreement is about how the conversation is initiated, emphasizing that every marriage has a prenup, either set by the government or by the couple themselves. It is suggested that the couple is better suited to create their own rules rather than relying on government-imposed ones, which can change and are created by people who do not know them personally. (2h7m24s)
• A prenup is seen as a healthy exercise for couples, encouraging them to have important conversations about their future together. Many people have reported having meaningful discussions about prenups and marriage after being inspired by similar conversations. (2h9m2s)
• Engaging in difficult conversations within a relationship, such as discussing a prenup, can be challenging but ultimately rewarding. Successfully navigating these discussions can lead to a sense of accomplishment and strengthen the relationship, as it demonstrates the couple's ability to resolve conflicts without resentment. (2h10m1s)

Embracing Imperfections In Relationships (2h11m5s)

• The discussion highlights the idea that relationships are inherently imperfect, and this imperfection is what makes them authentic and beautiful. The notion of being "perfectly imperfect" is emphasized as a realistic and positive perspective on relationships. (2h12m18s)
• In the United States, wedding expos or fairs are events where various vendors related to the wedding industry, such as photographers, bakers, and travel agents, showcase their services. These events are part of a multi-billion dollar industry. (2h12m30s)
• An attempt was made to secure a booth at several wedding expos to promote prenups in a positive and non-offensive manner. Despite assurances that the presentation would be respectful and not negative towards marriage, all requests for a booth were denied, and the expos refused to accept payment for a table. (2h14m4s)
• Nearly 60% of marriages end in divorce, making it a common outcome alongside death as the end of a marriage. This reality suggests the importance of discussing prenuptial agreements, although such discussions are often avoided because they challenge romantic ideals. (2h14m32s)
• Discussing a prenuptial agreement can be seen as pessimistic, but it can also be viewed as a realistic approach to marriage, similar to taking precautions like wearing a seatbelt or having an airbag in a car. (2h16m4s)
• There is a belief that people prefer to approach marriage with optimism and avoid thinking about potential negative outcomes like divorce. However, being realistic about the possibility of divorce does not mean one cannot enjoy life and its positive aspects. (2h16m15s)
• Divorce experiences can vary significantly between countries, such as the US and the UK, with different legal and social implications. An example is mentioned of a black actor publicly discussing his wife's pursuit of child support on social media. (2h17m23s)

Divorce And Child Support Explained (2h17m42s)

• A celebrity discussed how his ex-wife, who currently has minimal income, is demanding to see his bank statements to adjust child support based on his recent financial success. Child support is modifiable every three years if there is a 30% change in income. (2h17m43s)
• In New York, child support percentages are based on gross income: 17% for one child, 25% for two, 29% for three, and 31% for four children. There are caps on combined parental income, but judges have discretion based on factors like the children's lifestyle during the marriage and their reasonable needs. (2h18m38s)
• High-profile cases can involve substantial child support payments, such as Diddy paying $20,000 a month. In one case, a client received $65,000 a month, covering expenses like private school tuition and security. The parent with primary custody receives the money and can spend it as they choose. (2h19m26s)
• The system is complex, and requiring receipts for child support spending would add more complications. Entering a marriage without a prenup or having a child with someone can be risky due to potential emotional and financial damage. (2h20m9s)
• Legal battles over children can be costly and emotionally draining, with some clients spending large sums on seemingly minor disputes. The two main reasons for divorce are infidelity and financial issues, including loss of money through gambling or poor business decisions. (2h21m17s)

Why Do People Divorce Over Money? (2h22m46s)

• During a certain period, many divorces occurred because individuals attempted to become day traders, leading to financial losses as they borrowed against retirement accounts and faced the risks of shorting stocks. (2h22m46s)
• Cryptocurrency has become a significant factor in divorces, with issues arising around hiding money in crypto and the challenges of explaining cryptocurrency to judges unfamiliar with the technology. (2h22m58s)
• Divorce lawyers often need to educate themselves on various professions and financial systems, such as understanding how surgeons and hedge fund partners earn and potentially hide money. (2h23m41s)
• There are cases where individuals publicly perceived as wealthy manage to hide their assets, resulting in them appearing financially broke during divorce proceedings. (2h24m14s)

Have You Helped Wealthy People Who Went Broke? (2h24m31s)

• Many celebrities appear wealthy but are often financially over-leveraged, relying on loans and leasing luxury items like cars, which can lead to financial difficulties. This situation often surprises spouses during divorce proceedings when they discover the true financial state. (2h24m33s)
• Some individuals, particularly those with significant wealth, create complex financial structures to hide assets, making it difficult for spouses to claim anything during a divorce. These structures are often designed for tax avoidance and generational wealth preservation. (2h25m52s)
• Wealthy individuals often do not directly own assets; instead, they have interests in trusts or companies that own properties. This setup complicates divorce proceedings as the assets are not considered marital property, benefiting from tax advantages but complicating asset division. (2h26m36s)
• Forensic accountants play a crucial role in divorce cases involving complex financial structures, determining whether asset transfers were fraudulent or legitimate, and whether they were intended to benefit the marriage or as part of divorce planning. (2h27m35s)
• The discussion highlights the issue of women paying alimony to their ex-husbands, which is often seen as a feminist taboo. Many women, even those with strong feminist beliefs, are surprised and resistant when they are required to pay alimony, despite earning significantly more than their spouses. This situation is described as gender-blind and based purely on financial calculations. (2h28m17s)
• Alimony is explained as spousal support intended to maintain the marital lifestyle and help the lower-earning spouse rehabilitate their earnings. An example is given of a woman who moves to the United States and loses her medical license due to different regulations, necessitating financial support after a divorce to regain her earning capacity. (2h29m22s)
• The potential financial outcomes of divorcing a wealthy spouse, such as a celebrity, are discussed. It is noted that if significant wealth is acquired during the marriage, the lower-earning spouse may be entitled to a substantial portion. Examples include the ex-husbands of Adele and Kelly Clarkson, who received significant settlements. The financial outcome depends on the timing of the marriage in relation to the spouse's career success. (2h30m48s)
• The largest divorce settlement in history was paid to a woman because she was present for the entire development of Amazon, which was not a significant entity when she and her ex-husband got together. If he remarried, the new spouse would not receive half due to the premarital component. (2h31m21s)
• Lawyers in divorce cases are paid by the hour and are prohibited from taking a commission or percentage of the settlement to avoid creating an incentive to maximize recovery for themselves rather than what makes sense for the client. (2h31m46s)
• In some cases, lawyers may negotiate for more child or spousal support or real estate for their clients rather than a larger cash payout, as their role is to focus on the client's best interests rather than the percentage of the result. (2h32m10s)
• Personal injury lawyers operate differently from divorce lawyers, as they may work on a contingency basis, such as in slip and fall cases. (2h32m33s)
• When asked for advice to prevent a couple from needing divorce consultation, the response was not provided in the text. (2h32m53s)

One Tip To Avoid Divorce (2h32m55s)

• The key advice to avoid divorce is to pay attention to three aspects: the individual self ('you'), the partner ('me'), and the relationship ('we'). (2h32m57s)
• It is important for each person to remain true to themselves, as that is who their partner initially fell in love with. (2h33m13s)
• Allowing each partner to have space to be themselves and acknowledging changes in each other is crucial. (2h33m38s)
• Paying attention to the relationship ('we') involves nurturing it and recognizing its value, as it provides mutual support and helps identify each other's blind spots. (2h34m4s)
• The advice emphasizes that maintaining connection and love is more important than the institution of marriage itself. (2h34m15s)
• It is suggested that the difficult conversations and actions are often the right ones to pursue in a relationship. (2h34m50s)

Final Question (2h35m21s)

• The opinion is expressed that the greatest accomplishment in life should not be having children, as this perspective is seen as limiting and akin to a biological imperative rather than a higher purpose. (2h35m30s)
• It is suggested that while reproduction is a fundamental aspect of life on a cellular level, humans should aspire to higher goals beyond just having children. (2h36m30s)
• The speaker acknowledges the personal value and joy of having children, including learning about oneself and life, but argues that it should not be considered the ultimate achievement in life. (2h37m5s)
• There are two schools of thought regarding the role of children in one's identity: one that cautions against losing personal identity to parenthood, and another that fully embraces it as a life purpose. (2h37m42s)
• A balanced approach is advocated, where children are important but not the sole focus of one's identity, allowing for other aspects of life and relationships to hold value. (2h38m12s)
• Individuals who become overly obsessed with their children often neglect their own needs and the needs of their partner. This obsession can lead to a lack of attention to the marital relationship, which is crucial for long-term partnership stability. (2h38m47s)
• While it is important to prioritize children, an excessive focus on them can result in the partner feeling neglected. A healthy balance involves nurturing the relationship with the spouse, which also benefits the children by modeling positive relationship behaviors. (2h39m44s)
• Making children the absolute top priority, to the detriment of the marital relationship, can increase the likelihood of divorce. Maintaining a strong partnership is essential for a stable family environment. (2h40m17s)
• The discussion highlights the importance of common sense in relationships, which is often overlooked. The insights shared are based on experience and are considered valuable for understanding love and relationships. (2h41m1s)
• A book titled "How to Stay in Love" is recommended as a resource for those interested in learning more about maintaining healthy relationships. (2h41m21s)
• Limited edition conversation cards have been released and have sold out twice immediately. (2h42m28s)
• Those interested in purchasing these conversation cards are advised to act quickly due to their high demand. (2h42m36s)